Break In My Heart

50. Crying In The Dave and Buster's

You know the feeling when you know that something bad is about to happen but you can't do anything to stop it? You're helpless and weak against Fate and her plans. You feel like a blip on the universe's radar. Prayers and begs and screams and pleas feel like they fall upon deaf ears.

That's how I felt when that simple sentence left his lips. I leave in one week.

Though it was selfish, I let myself cry. I sobbed and did all I could to keep the screams and curses from slipping past my quivering lips. I knew that the time was nearing, good God I knew. But hearing him say the words and feeling the pain in his voice really made it sink in. This was really happening. He was going to be taken away from me. He was going to face the monster disguised as his mother. That just made me cry even more. And he just held me and let me cry and he apologized profusely as tears of his own slid down his cheeks. I tried to reassure him that he had nothing to apologize for, but instead, all my words were viciously silenced by the sobs that relentlessly tore through me like a hurricane.

I didn't remember falling asleep, but I woke up a bit past six in the morning. I was still in Tyler's arms. Even in his sleep, he held me like he was protecting me from the world. A cruel vicious world that I couldn't protect him from. In his slumber, he looked almost peaceful, as if we weren't being ripped apart by the cruel hands of time.

I couldn't go back to sleep after I'd woken up. Sleep seemed like a sin at this point. No, I had to stay with him. Make every moment count because these could very well be our last. We both knew that fathers getting full custody of their children was rather rare unless they were wealthy or had some connection to the judge (though oftentimes those two were one and the same). Tyler's dad was neither. What if the courts down there thought that the trauma his mother had put him through was justifiable? What if they too saw his existence as a sin? The very thoughts made my throat constrict as tears blurred my vision.

I stayed laying there until the sun rose, listening to every breath and heartbeat. It wasn't until a bit after nine that he stirred. First a little groan, then a furrow of the eyebrows, then finally, his dark eyes cracked open. For a few moments, he looked around confused before his eyes landed on me. The corners of his lips tugged up a bit, but his grin didn't contain its normal cheeriness. Instead, it was full of grief and regret, the kind of grin you get at a funeral or before a bad diagnosis. "Good morning, baby," I whispered before I placed a kiss on his cheek.

"Good morning." His voice was soft and scratchy as it traveled up his throat. I reached out and gently caressed his cheek in an effort to permanently engrave the feeling into every cell on the pad of my thumb. I wanted to remember what he felt like so I could hold onto it when he was gone. I needed to. He gingerly held onto my wrist as his tired eyes bore into mine. I knew what he was going to say before the simple two-word sentence formed on his tongue.

"I'm sorry," he said, barely above a whisper.

I shook my head. "There's nothing for you to be sorry for," I quickly said, not wanting him to think I was upset with him in the slightest.

"I just...I wanted to make our last few days count. I wanted to create a ton of good memories to hold onto while I go through the shit show down there and...I don't know. A juvenile part of me was trying to bury myself in you in order to forget what was going on, and that's not fair to you, especially not the way I sprung it onto you. That's not fair either."

"I understand, Ty. I have no ill feelings toward you about any of this. I promise."

He offered me a sad grin before he broke eye contact.

We laid in silence simply holding each other. With every moment that passed, the feeling of impending doom settled deeper and deeper into my bones. So, to distract myself I sat up before gently nudging Tyler. "Come on, sleepyhead. Do you feel up to a shower?"