Break In My Heart

4. Lifted Spirits

Sweat beaded the back of my neck as I looked him in the eyes. There was a glint of determination and a look that said "I'm going to rip you apart". His shoulders were broad and strong, something only endless hours of hard work and sweat could sculpt, and his body was lean as he approached me with an unearthly speed. I wasn't ready. I needed to move.

I heard my heart hammering in my ears as I tried to analyze him, find the best point for me to attack, but my fight or flight senses were triggered and I messily side stepped as he passed me, causing my teammates to yell and for couch to curse at me. "Addy, what are you doing, man?" Ian asked as he slowed down and made his way back toward me, the ball tucked under his arm and his eyebrows furrowed. I don't know was the only answer that came to mind. Ever since this morning I'd just felt off. Off in my writing, off in my playing. I just couldn't seem to pull my head out of my- "You never let me get through you. Ever," Ian said as he took his helmet off with his free hand. "Are you sure you're ready to be here, causing if not I-"

"I'm fine," I snapped, my words coming out more harshly than I'd anticipated. I sighed and took my helmet off. "Sorry man, it's just...I don't know what's going on with me. I just need to get back into the rhythm of it."

"You better get back into the rhythm of it in the next five seconds because couch is coming over to chew you out," he said with a chuckle before he hurried away, making sure to avoid coach's heated gaze that was burning into the back of my head.

"Williams, what the hell are you doing? My grandma could've done that better than you and she's been dead for damn near thirty years!You know what that means? She's dust! Dust could've played better than you!"

Ah, I didn't miss couch's...creative insults.

He sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Look, I know that you're going through a tough time right now and I'm sorry for your loss. But if you're going to be here, I need one hundred percent. How about this: you can go to the locker room for a bit, five-ten minutes or so. If you think you can come back then you're welcome to, but know if you do I will be riding your back like I do every other practice. But if you don't think you can, which is okay, you can go home and take the next one or two practices off, 'kay?"

I looked past Coach to my teammates clustered together trying to hide their prying, sympathetic glances between drinks of water and shallow conversations. I hated sympathy. I didn't even need it, I hadn't even known the man. Not really. But I would rather walk away than deal with sad glances or unneeded pats on the back. "Yeah, I'll just...yeah." I quickly turned around and hurried off the field, peeling away each layer of my uniform as I made my way to the locker room until I was in the showers with cold water washing over me.

I let out a huff as I pressed my forehead against the cold tile and closed my eyes. "Come on, Addy. Rilassare (Relax)." I stayed there for a while before I pulled myself out and dried off  then put my pants on, opting to wait on my shirt since it was a bit hot. As soon as I threw my uniform into my locker, I heard the locker room door creak open. I huffed, slightly irritated. "Look, Ian, I know you care and everything, and trust me I appreciate it, but I honestly don't think I can handle a heart-to-heart right now, 'kay man?"

"Well, luckily I'm not Ian so those rules don't apply to me," a deep, definitely-not-Ian voice said, causing me to jump and turn around, showing Tyler with an amused eyebrow. He chuckled. "You good man?"

"Yeah, I just wasn't expecting you...obviously," I said, breaking eye contact though I could still see the rest of his sweat-defined nobody. I forced my eyes back to his.

"So you're leaving?" He asked, motioning to the balled up shirt in my fist with his head and I followed his gaze.

"Yeah, I uh, I just can't today."