Break In My Heart

27. Damage

Warning: this chapter contains mentions of conversion therapy and attempted suicide. If you get triggered by those topics, please skip the chapter. Also, above is the song "The Village" by Wrabel. I think I put this in "Tear In My Heart" as well, but it really fits this chapter so get the tissues ready folks, it's about to be a doozy. 

***

I sat with Tyler on the roof of his building. Much like our date, Tyler had brought up pillows and blankets so we could get comfortable, but unlike our date, there was a thick feeling of dread in the air.

Tyler's jaw had an endless stream of tension coursing through it and his gaze had been fixed on the stars as he laid next to me, one hand behind his head for support and the other tightly gripping mine. I could see the conflict raging in his eyes as he tried to piece together what he was going to say to me.

I pulled my knees closer to my chest and held myself tighter with my free hand as ants of anxiety marched up my back, my mind spinning with the endless possibilities of what he was going to tell me. He could say that this was all an experiment and he wasn't really into guys. He could say that he'd lost his feelings for me. He could tell me he found someone else. All the possibilities were equally as heartbreaking, thus making me more scared.

"I...I felt so guilty when I first liked you," he suddenly said as he used his thumb to gently stroke my knuckles, his gaze still transfixed on the glowing stars above us. "Not just because you were already taken but because of...my mom."

My eyebrows furrowed at the revelation as I looked down at him. "Your mom?"

He nodded, his eyes flickering to mine before returning to the stars. "It's a long story, but, uh, you deserve to know. It's a long and messy one, Addi, and I don't want you to feel any kind of obligation to me for it, okay?"

I swallowed and mutely nodded before I laid down next to him, my back to the ground, and my gaze to the stars just like him. I didn't want him to feel any pressure from me staring at him.

He sighed. "So, my mom and I aren't on good terms. We don't even speak to each other, and that's because I'm bi. I've known for a long time but I never acted on it because my mom's super religious and at the time, I lived with her. She thought that LGBT people were abominations or whatever, you know, the usual stuff, and remember, I lived in Louisiana at the time which doesn't view kindly on gay folks. It created an identity crisis within me: who I really was versus who I was supposed to me. The constant battle tore me up inside and created a lot of internalized homophobia despite me already knowing that I was bi.

"Early in high school, I met this guy that I really liked. We started off as friends and then slowly became something more. He helped me navigate who I am and accept myself for it. He...He was my everything at the time– my rock, my smile, my laugh. Everything. And I know that sounds super overdramatic, especially since I was only a freshman at the time, but I was convinced that I was going to marry Jaden–that was his name. At the time we just felt so...final, you know?"

I mutely nodded as a weird feeling stirred in my chest hearing him speak of someone else so foundly, even if it was in the past tense.

He sighed. "Well, he was out to his parents who one-hundred percent supported him, but I wasn't out to my mom, mind you my father wasn't really in the picture. I honestly didn't have a real relationship with him until after this all went down, but I'll get to that in a sec. I really wanted to come out to my mom because I hated keeping secrets from her but, as I said, it was easier said than done. Instead, I slowly started coming out to people I trusted: close friends of mine, friends of his– and he was a theater kid so you know they didn't mind, as cliche as it sounds. So, long story short, we went to this party together and got like super drunk, right? It was my first time at a party party and I was a lightweight so it didn't take much to get me drunk, and before the thought crosses your mind, no he didn't roofie me or anything like that. But we ended up making out in the pool and a couple of his friends took pictures, not meaning anything by it.