its you | hyunlix

{t w e l v e - unworthy}

a week passed by with a snap of the fingers, felix was home with his grandmother. the two decided to muster up lunch with what they could find in the pantry and the fridge.

"so, yongbok... i hear that the hyunbitch confessed why he left." felix looked at her, "who told you that?" he immediately asked. she smiled, "changbin and chan."

felix looked down at the organic salad he made for her grandmother and himself. hoping that someone would come over on this day, the day his father sent him here because he was mentally ill. and since that day, he felt unworthy to his father.

felix felt as if his father didn't want him anymore, and that his father would replace him if it meant for her to come back, running into his arms. he always wondered why did she have to leave them all to be in pain. he wondered if she would've been happier and alive if jaehwa wasn't sick. 

felix knew changbin and hyunjin knew of this day, well, also chan because he and chan grew up together and moved together to seoul. well, chan convinced his parents to move back. he reasoned why they should move back here.

after being in his own mind, he went to get himself something to drink. "mimi, want anything to drink?" he had shouted, unknowing of his grandmother standing next to him. "quiet down son." with that felix twitched hard, forgetting he had a glass cup full of water and not it had been on his grandmother.

"im so sorry mimi!" he got a towel, started wiping up the water splashed onto her. "it's ok bokkie." she took the towel from him, "go take a nap, you look tired." he looked at his grandmother and shook his head, "but—" she cut him off, "go rest." sternly she had said.

the young man looked down and nodded, obliged to his grandmother's words. not wanting to argue more, slumped up he walked up to his room and entered. if only i could disappear into thin air. he thought, i feel so worthless. unworthy to deserve the love given to me.

the teenage boy laid himself down, looking at the ceiling. why does everyone look at me and notice it isn't the felix they know. it isn't the yongbok they know. it's a mask. hot tears fell as so much was on his mind. unnoticeable tears felix had shed.

well, to him they were unnoticed as he was thinking. they all knew deep down that felix was just putting up a mask. he would try so much to get over the pain, he tried so much to gbnumb himself more and more. 

chan especially knew what changed with felix. they grew up together, chan knew his pain. what he held in, scared to speak up with what was going on, scared the past is going to eat him up more and more. everything came crashing down, felix cried hard and silently.

***

felix blankly stared at the ceiling for many hours, his grandmother never knew he didn't take a nap like she had said he should. his mind wondering off many times, it all went unnoticed. his body was telling him to sleep, but all he could think of was all the solutions to everything. or more like the supposed solutions to end his pain.

"i'm unworthy of this life...." he whispered to himself, tears unknowingly strolled down his temples. he couldn't save his sister, save them the pain of everything. his promise to himself was already broken. everything he promised to his dead sister, all broken. 

in which he learned, the word promise was to be broken. and if a promise is made it usually gets broken every time. now, instead of saying the phrase, 'i promise' he told himself to use the phrase, 'because i said i would' instead. that phrase would mean so much more than the phrase, 'i promise'.

he decided to get out his notebook chan had bought him just recently. he looked up at his cross that sat above his desk. he then turned to it and sat in front of it, he took out his bible and started reading, "so do not live in fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10".

felix had written what he wanted to to make the verse make sense. 

4/12/19. Isaiah 41:10

Never live in fear for I am with you at all times, don't be distressed, I am your God. I will strengthen you and guide you. I will hold you with my righteous right hand.

he then looked at the other notebook he used to write down whatever thought had stuck out to him. felix's eyes were puffy and red, "when was the last time i have written in this?" he questioned himself.

he then opened it and looked for the last journal prompt and it was a week ago. 

"dear diary, i know i have been neglecting you and never writing in you but here's the thing, as always, i miss my mom, my sister and hyunjin. as much as i don't want to miss him, i do miss him. he still has a place in my heart. but changbin, i love him so much. or well, i tell myself that every other day. i do love him but i don't know if i truly love him..."

2023: a bit longer than the last time and much more better than the first.