Is This Even Worth Fighting For?

twentyseven

"Take a seat" Miss Kate said as I got to the office, Phoebe and Miss Kate perched on the desk in front of me looking at me with a mixture of annoyance and concern
"What happened Riley?" Miss Kate asked and I shook my head
"Talk to us" Phoebe said and I tried my best not to break down
"Out of all of the people, I thought you two would have understood. Why the hell did you let her on the team? I'm pretty certain everyone would have prefered to go to Nationals one person down" I said 
"Riley, we were doing what was best for the team" Miss Kate explained and I shook my head
"Best for the team? How is that working out?" I asked and they both sighed
"We understand you have a problem with Beth but you need to think about the team" Phoebe said and I looked at both of them and shook my head, I looked between the two for a minute

"All I've ever done is put this team first. I've let myself get beaten down, I've let myself spend nights in tears wondering my worth from the team and the nature of this environment. At what point do I get to put myself first?" I asked, neither of them had an answer
"Exactly" I said getting up from my seat and walking out
"Riley!" I heard Miss Kate call after me but it was no use. I had no intention to turn back just yet  

--

I'm not going to play the victim card, I couldn't get a rat's ass about Beth or any of that. I really couldn't, but what I care about is how people perceive me 
I'm not one for confrontations, hell I hate when any form of attention is on me let alone the shit show that's happened recently
I've been struggling a lot with myself, with my anxiety the whole nine yards
Just imagine, being scared and tired at the same time
the fear of failure but no energy to be productive
it's wanting to be around friends but not having the mentality for socialising
it's wanting to be alone but not lonely
it's about caring about everything and then caring about nothing
Feeling everything all at once then suddenly feeling so alone and numb that you can't even fathom how to make a comeback

The hardest part of waking up every morning isn't trying to get out of bed. It's remembering everything bad that you were trying to forget
Nobody knows how much I push myself just to be as open and talkative as I have been
Nobody will ever understand
"5 things" I hear a familiar voice say, my head snaps around to see James stood there
"5 things you can see Ri" He repeated, I sighed knowing what he was doing
"A tree, a car, a bag, a leave and a helmet" I whispered making him smile
"4 things you can touch" He continued
"the grass, the tree, the leaves, the bench" I said looking around
"3 things you hear" He said taking a step closer
"the cars on the main road, the birds and some alarm" I replied making him smile again
"2 things you can smell" He whispered 
"your aftershave, and wet grass" I smiled looking up at him as he got closer
"And one thing you can taste" He asked 
"the mint from my chewing gum" I replied making him smile now standing straight in front of me

"Come here" He ordered and honestly he didn't have to ask my twice
I fell into his arms as he picked me up allowing my legs to wrap around his torso as I clung tight too him, I soon felt him sit on the bench next to us making it more comfortable for him
"talk to me Riley" He whispered holding me tight
"I can't" I whispered
"I'm here when you are ready. Just know I'm not going to push you" He whispered moving my hair away from my cheek to place his lips against it gently

"Does everyone hate me?" I whispered leaning back so I could look at James
"Nobody hates you Riley" He replied cupping my cheek
"Are you sure? I wouldn't blame them if they did" I whispered, James chuckled placing his lips against mine
"I promise you. Nobody hates you" He whispered placing our foreheads together
"I love you" He continued making me look at him with a smile
"I love you" I replied as he placed his lips on mine again 

How on earth that boy manages to pull me back every damn time, I don't think I'll ever understand or and I'll never be able to thank him as much as I should. I'll forever be thankful for him