Teeth (READ DISCLAIMER)

Chapter 14: Then you turn into somebody I don't know

Natasha fired the gun rapidly, ten bullet holes appearing in the red circle in the middle of the target.

She had been coming to the range every day since the incident in the mountains that had occurred over two weeks ago. Her daily routine had shifted slightly; she would complete her usual 10k run, skip breakfast, train weights and combat alone, head to the range, eat and then repeat. She interacted with the rest of the team as little as possible and spent no time eating or watching movies with them.

Other habits had crept into her routine as well; she locked her bedroom door now, and was prone to handcuffing herself to her bed at night to lull herself to sleep. Her nightmares had returned with a vengeance, some of them were memories and some were fears yet to occur. Some days she saw Wanda sprawled in front of her in a pool of blood, a gun in her hand. Other days she woke herself up sobbing, soaked in her own sweat.

The team had noticed the shift in her demeanour but mainly left her alone. They knew Natasha and thought she would figure it out on her own in time. They accepted she was a private person. Unfortunately for Natasha they were unable to tell the difference between being private and completely isolating yourself due to obvious PTSD and self-loathing.

Wanda had tried to talk to her, her eyes hurt and confused, but Natasha had cut her off before she could even begin.

Natasha didn't care, couldn't care. Because if she allowed herself one inch of feeling she knew she would latch onto Wanda and never let her go. Natasha was a weapon, as deadly as a gun or a knife. She wasn't made to love, to feel, to be happy. She wrestled with her conflict over Wanda each night, wondering if she should have at least given the girl some closure and explained the reasons she couldn't continue with their friendship anymore. But this way was better; this way, Wanda would quickly stop trying to engage her and would be able to move on with her life.

Natasha had felt something snap inside of her when Wanda confessed her love. On one hand she was overwhelmed with a feeling of completeness, a deep well of happiness flooding her body. On the other hand, she felt undeserving and unworthy. Wanda knew nothing of her past or the atrocities she had committed. Sure, she had seen parts of it in her memories but the Little Witch seemed to separate that person from the Natasha she knew today. Natasha knew that Wanda was young and naive, blinded by misplaced admiration and trust. As far as Natasha was concerned, she and Natalia were one.

There were multiple reasons she had pushed Wanda away, all of them to protect the Sokovian in some way, whether Natasha realised that or not. She wanted Wanda to have someone who could love her completely, who she could have a life and a family with and be happy. That was not her. She wanted Wanda to have someone who could communicate with her and express their feelings to her; to tell her how precious and treasured she was. Again, not her. She needed Wanda to be with someone who was worthy of her, who had soul, who was not a mindless killing machine like her. She needed to ensure Wanda was with someone who would never ever hurt her and after the girl in Poland, Natasha knew it was a real possibility that she could also hurt the younger woman.

Somewhere deep in Natasha's psyche a voice told her she was sacrificing the best thing in her life but Natalia forcefully pushed the thought away. It was irrelevant.

"Hey" Clint hadn't snuck up on Natasha, but he had managed to enter the range without being heard due to her safety ear defenders.

She turned and eyed him, taking her equipment off and laying her gun down.

"What’s up?" She said, irritated that her training was being interrupted.

"Nothing. Just haven't seen you in a while and Steve said you'd be in here" he shrugged.