One Step Ahead Part II | Sirius Black

Chapter 206

Sirius always liked black.

The color, not his surname. For as dark as his parents were in character, they didn't stray far from deep plums and jewel tones. Colors of their prized Slytherin background, silvers and emeralds and colors that whispered of royalty. But black was part of his rebellion. He would dress the part, wear the shadowy colors that his parents approved of only to throw his ideals and opinions in their faces. Opinions that weren't nearly dark as the color he wore today.

But on this day, black held none of the secretive mischief and mystery he'd always enjoyed.

On this day...black was despair.

Despair. Painful, soul wrenching despair. He remembers feeling it so intensely he thought he may be ill. He remembers Gwen shaking him awake in the night and staring at him until he'd panicked and asked what was wrong.

Wrong. It was wrong that Euphemia and Fleamont Potter were dead.

It was wrong.

Despair tears open his chest, exposes his heart when he watches Lily pull James into a comforting hug as best she can with the growing belly between them.

Despair takes root in his head, shoots pain through his skull when he hears the phantom laughs of excitement when he'd confessed to Fleamont and Mia that he'd proposed to the love of his life...only for the Veela to confess that she'd told them a few weeks prior.

Despair. It eats away at him. How could he have missed it? He recognized the signs of aging. Greying hair, wrinkled skin. The weight loss was subtle, forced to be inconsequential in his mind until Gwen had shaken him awake a few nights ago and had finally said the thing that everyone was avoiding.

Something was wrong. This was wrong. It's wrong, it's wrong, it's wrong.

It's wrong that he'd failed once again as a son, failed to notice that his parents were sick. Merlin, they'd gotten so sick so fast. And in the end, it had been him and James in the room with them. Sirius tried to fight it, tried to ignite the flames of self preservation. In the end James had asked that he stay, asked that they said goodbye to their parents as brothers.

It had killed a piece of him. A piece that he wrestled with in his nightmares. A piece of him that convinced himself he hadn't deserved Fleamont's fatherly love or Mia's motherly advice. A piece of him that aches at the thought that the pair wouldn't be at his wedding, wouldn't get to meet their grandson. It hurt. Fuck. It hurts.

"Sirius,"

He stares at a pice of lint on the rug of the Potter's living room, eyes stinging with unshed tears. They hadn't been able to have a funeral. It was too risky with the increased attacks from death eaters. Lily and Gwen had planned everything, had cooked and arranged flowers for the people to come by and offer their condolences. It hurt every time someone greeted him by name, told him how proud Mia and Monty were of him.

He glances sideways and smiles tiredly at his little brother, seeing his own pain reflected in the grey of Reggie's eyes.

"Where's Moony?" His voice is far more gruff than he means it to be. He quickly clears his throat, rolls his shoulders back to stand up straighter. Regulus just stares at him, looking as if he has something he wants to say. That was the difference between the stoic nature of Regulus and Gwen. Reggie always looked like he wanted to say something, say everything.

Gwen looked like she could say nothing at all. She looked like she could say anything. A puzzle. One he needs like he needs air.

Sirius glances away from his brother, searching for his next breath, searching for pearly hair and blue eyes. His heart starts the arduous process of knitting back together when he finally sees her.