separated by the stars

9

⪦⁝⋌⋄◌⋄⋋⁝⪧

When I enter my chambers that night, I know I'll find him there.

He stands on the balcony, staring up at the stars once again. He looks almost ethereal, the thin curtains concealing the glass door to the balcony billowing around him, and the moon casting a pale lit hue to his face. At this moment he is so dreadfully beautiful that I find it hard to look away. I want to walk up to him, wrap my arms around him and bask in his love, but I stay back. I notice the distance between us, the space that must be kept after tonight.

Not too close, but not too far.

He's the moon, and I'm an orbiting star. I was never meant to complete him as the Sun does, all I can do is watch from afar. I always knew this was my truth. I was always aware of this ultimatum, I always knew that our time was limited.

But I've already had a taste of blissful happiness.

How am I supposed to let that go? After everything, how can I let him go?

Bangchan knows I'm here, he feels the distance between us almost as though it were slowly tearing his heart apart piece by piece. I know this because I feel the same pain. I recognize it within him because it is so present in myself. Perhaps this is the worst form of agony. Knowing that if you had the choice there would be no distance at all.

It's Bangchan who breaks the silence, the howl of the wind a feeble whimper.

"Did you talk to her?"

I've never heard his voice so hoarse, so fragile. Resisting the urge to run to his side, I take a deep breath before I answer him.

"Yes."

"I'm sorry." He seems to deflate with melancholy, running his hands through his hair as though that would ease the guilt. "I couldn't lie to her."

In the back of my mind, I wonder if he's worried about hurting me or hurting her. Swallowing hard, I hate myself for the covetous feeling erupting in my gut at the thought.

"I know."

Bangchan swallows hard, looking back at the stars. When he speaks next, his voice is breaking.

"I'm sorry."

It takes all I have not to run to him and erase the tears that are stuck in his throat.

"I know."

Bowing his head, he places his hands on the railing, leaning against it with despair. It hurts me, and I'm thankful that his back is turned to me. If he saw the way I'm trembling, the way I struggle to keep the tears from spilling over, he would hold onto me forever. If he saw how the mere thought of being apart from him practically destroys me in its wake, he would never let me go.

He has to let me go.

"I couldn't find a way out for us."

My heart breaks into a million wretched pieces.

Though we both knew the consequences, though we understood our fate, though this was always the outcome of our relationship...

If we're being honest, we were still looking for a chance.

We were praying that the stars would take pity on us.

"I understand."

Bangchan finally turns to me.

There is a sort of beauty in the misery he wears so wretchedly on his face. A different kind of beauty. A beauty that breaks you when you get close enough, that destroys you just as quickly as it embraces you. And in the back of my mind, I realize something.