separated by the stars

11

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"I love what you've done with the place."

I don't flinch as I hear her voice. If I'm being completely honest, I was expecting her to show up. It would be unlike her to just leave me alone after the way I practically ran out of the ceremony hall. 

I had originally planned to leave this evening, when everyone was asleep and wouldn't notice as much, but I couldn't stand seeing them together. Finally tied to each other in an everlasting bond, something we couldn't share in the end. I swallow hard at the memory of the two of them dancing amid the dance floor.

"How long have you been standing there?" I ask her, resuming my task as a means to distract myself. Everything makes sense but doesn't at the same time. Without him by my side, I find myself to be distant, almost lost. 

It's infuriating.

"Are you going somewhere?" she asks me, subtly trying to ease the reason behind my absence. I know what she's trying to do, but I don't want to bother with any explanations. So I don't respond, I just continue to pack my bag, struggling as I try to swallow the overwhelming lump deep in my throat. My silence is enough for her to understand, however, and she asks no further questions as she regards me with a studious expression.

My mother is very intuitive, even for a mellow child such as me, she was always able to tell how I felt with one flicker of my eyes or a soft change in my demeanor. I would even say that she knows me better than Sana does, maybe even better than Bangchan.

"This is about Christopher isn't it?"

I nearly choke at the sentence, which doesn't help my case, before turning to her silently. She smiles from where she perches on the edge of my bed, and pats the spot next to her, inviting me to join her. I know it's less of an invitation and more of a command, so I dutifully yet reluctantly sit beside her. I want to ask her how she knew, how long she knew, if she hated me for how I was; if she was disappointed. But all my words fall short in my throat.

I wonder if it's because I'm afraid, or because she already knows every question lying deep within my heart.

"When you were younger, it was hard to miss the attraction between you two. I remember thinking to myself, 'It's a childhood crush, it'll soon pass,'" She chuckles at the foolish thought. "But as soon as we returned, I could see that it was more than that."

Turning to me, she smiles kindly, only love and the affection of a mother reflected in her eyes. For some reason, it makes me want to cry. She takes my hand within hers, a comforting warmth exploding within me. I feel the sudden urge to just fall apart in her arms, release all my anguish and hurt from deep inside, confide in her until I feel better. Almost as though I were a small child once again.

But in reality, things aren't that easy.

"Do you love him?" she asks me, her voice soft and tentative, building a key and opening the door to my closed-off heart. I smile sadly at the question before looking down at our interlocked hands. I know she can see the pain behind it, I spy the way her eyes well with unspoken words of sorrow and loss and note the way her hand tightens significantly around mine.

"Does it matter who I love?"

Though I know it pains her to hear the words released from my lips, she nods, understanding the sacrifice I have to give. It's the first time someone else has accepted my choice rather than trying to make it for me. Maybe I'm supposed to feel offended, maybe I should want her to beg me to stay, but instead, I am thankful for it. She knows what I must do to move on, and though it pains her to let me go, she's willing to do it if it means I'll be okay.

"Where will you go?"

I know she will prefer me to stay with her, maybe help me find a way to heal, but I need to figure that out on my own. I need to find a way to live on my own, without relying on anyone else anymore. Besides, everything around me reminds me of him, and when I'm reminded of him, I'm reminded of them and everything that I have lost.

The room that used to give me a taste of freedom has now become a room that is suffocating and cold.

"I don't know."

And though I try to ignore it, I know the real place I want to be is by his side.

A place where I am no longer welcome to stay. 

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