𝔖𝔥𝔬𝔯𝔱 𝔖𝔱𝔬𝔯𝔦𝔢𝔰

Songs That Remind Me Of You

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Songs That Remind Me Of You

I reach into the glovebox of my car to find my road trip CD that will get me to any long-distance destination. I flick through the plastic casings scanning the words; 'peaceful', 'rock', 'love', 'road trip' is near the bottom, second to last. I lift it out and the final package beneath catches my eye: 'songs that remind me of you'.

My breath catches as memories rush into my mind. We made this CD together, adding songs that would remind us of each other, no matter where or when we listened to it.

I drop the CD I was going to listen to on the empty passenger seat and seize the one that I can't peel my eyes from. It feels heavy in my hand, unwelcome like it is not supposed to be there. I tell myself I shouldn't play it but my hands move on their own accord.

I open the box and pop the disk out of its holding and into the slot in the dashboard. It processes and a song begins to play.

My head rocks back into the headrest and I close my eyes. Visions of you and me dance in the darkness. Bright flashes of smiles and the echoes of laughter. Funny how a song can bring back happiness when all you expect is sadness.

I have always wondered if what you did to me would ever heal. If what happened would affect me and prevent me from loving again. But now I hear this, and I realize, that maybe I am better.

I don't see images of your fury that day. I don't see the blurs of my vision as I shout at you through choked words.

All I see is the happy times. Feel the sensations I felt every time your body touched mine. When our hips fitted perfectly together like the missing pieces of a jigsaw.

The first song finishes and the next song begins to play. I sigh and remember the conversations we used to have and what your friends said about us being old-fashioned and making a CD.

Their voices echo in my mind:

"A CD?" One of them says.

"Yeah, what's wrong with that?" You reply, defending us. Our relationship.

I remember the smirks on their faces. It was just banter and I loved them for it. The subtle piss-taking I once longed to have with my own friends. Of course, I'd never experienced a friendship as you had. 'The boys', you used to call yourselves. Then I came along and it would be 'the boys' because they saw me as their own and I loved that. I was proud of you all. Proud to call you my own. My friends. And you, my lover.

Suddenly I feel a sadness wash over me like waves of water over rocks. It soaks every inch of me, filling cracks and voids and leaving a shine on the surface. A constant reminder of what happened. I open my eyes and stare straight ahead out of the windscreen. The sun somehow no longer reflects my mood. It did, before, because I am going away. But now...

I was leaving this place to find myself. To find new happiness and forget you and everything that happened because of you. But with these songs playing through my ears and beckoning the memories out of the chambers I'd locked them away in, I feel like I've taken a step back. Can I forget you?

I have to forget you. You're gone. You left me. You're the one who messed up and I shouldn't want you for that. But I do. No matter what you did, what your friends got you into, I would always accept that that was what you were like; a troublemaker but a kind one. Someone who never meant to harm but ended up causing the most pain to the girl you loved.

But I still love you. I never stopped loving you. Even after everything that happened, I want you back.

I need you back.

I feel tears roll down my cheeks.

"Where are you?" I whisper, too quiet for anyone to hear over the beat of the drums. The thrumming in my ears. "Where are you?"

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Thanks for reading!

Love, Amelia <3

☺