Is this the final stop? (Toni Shalifoe)

Chapter 42

Warning: Internalized homophobia, and some externalized, one mention of a camp, pain

Toni shifts and sits up in her seat, attentive. She mumbles to herself for Shelby to be strong. She sees the girl freeze for a moment, her body going rigid, eyes stuck on the host. As if his question about same sex marriages didn't hit her ears properly. Toni looks out at the crowd, sees parents are leaning in, and young girls watching on with wide, innocent eyes.

Shelby sees the same from the stage, the parishioners she recognizes from every Sunday mass, the little girls she tutors in bible study. She catches Toni's eyes, and the brunette nods at her from the audience. It seems to travel into her bloodstream, bolstering her spirits, filling in the gaps and cracks in her strength.

Shelby, no longer missing a beat, says right to Toni with her whole chest, "My beliefs have nothin' to do with what is considered law or what the government says." Shelby looks back out into the audience, shining her pearly whites to them.

Toni beams with pride. And relaxes. And smiles the widest she ever has. She nods back at Shelby approvingly.

In the pause, Shelby sees audience members look away from her, their eyes dropping to their programs. Her own eyes shift to the judge's table. They are scribbling some notes, shaking their heads and leaning into each other, whispering. Shelby grips the microphone tighter and adds, "It's not about bein' politically correct. It's about bein' biblically correct."

One of the judges, a balding, overweight man, raises his eyebrows and nods. Marking something in the rubric. The other judges rearrange in their seats, one even slurps her drink. But Shelby is no longer looking at them. Her eyes flash back to the audience for help.

She is looking at Dave.

Her gaze falls to his squinting eyes. He lifts head, jutting his chin out and pursing his lips into a thin line. She can see his throat move as he swallows, his Adam's apple bobbing.

Her eyes widen like a child. Her hand trembles holding the microphone. She brings it up closer to her mouth, he lowers his head at her, like he knows what she's going to say. Speaking directly to her father, Shelby whispers into the mic, "The homosexual way of life is an inappropriate, unChristian choice, and the Supreme Court was misguided for recognizin' it as marriage." His mouth matches hers, saying the rehearsed line together.

Toni feels like she's underwater. Like she's drowning underwater. The sounds are muffled. Her sight is hazy, all the images unfocused. Her senses seem to be playing tricks on her. Because she swears her ears just heard Shelby spew venom. She swears her eyes just saw Shelby beam a smile to the judges after letting those words come out of her mouth.

Her eyes become glassy. And now she knows she didn't imagine it.

Inappropriate. UnChristian. Misguided.

Toni sinks into the chair, the weight of all this shame crushing her. The next moments Toni only experiences in blurs. Dave cheering, following behind Melody and Spencer. Toni whips her head to little Melody and feels so betrayed. Her eyes flick back up to Dave, he's cupping his mouth to holler support. But Jobeth sits still. Even covers her hands over Spencer's and Melody's.

Toni turns in her seat, and sees the audience react. And that's when she notices it. The nuclear families. Husbands and wives. Two sets of kids. Sometimes three. Older women buttoned up to the collars, adorning necklaces, and heavy diamond rings. Young mothers with not a single dark circle under their eyes. Makeup hiding any flaw, any indication of not being perfect.

She does not belong here.

Toni sees some men kiss their women on their cheek. As if this answer was romantic. Encouraged. Like a drug eliciting a high. Like a cult finding their muse. She sees bright eyes and wide smiles. She sees manicured hands clapping. Her eyes land onto the program and in the logo is a big cross. She reads the main sponsor: Camps for Conflicted Christians.