"I don't know, I was hoping I get to see him today, I missed him so much" I couldn't help myself the second I heard the door knock the first time, I missed him so much.
"look at the bright side he's still alive and the moon is in the sky," she says elbowing me, she was teasing me. it was clear through the grinning expression she wore.
I wanted to laugh and see the bright side, but I just couldn't, I thought that finally the war was over but now I don't even know how long he would remain there, I couldn't change the dim expression that had taken over my face. I was upset, yes he was alive and alhamdiluha for that but now he was further than before and heading straight into the hadids territory. what if he gets ambushed, he doesn't think once about his life. if only I could tell him that I might be pregnant maybe then he would take more care and return faster. no, no I'm lying to myself, it wouldn't change a thing, it's abbas he would want his child to know his father fought in such a battle.
"Hadiya, distress is written all over your face, that's not good for the baby, I wouldn't be a good caretaker if I let your thoughts pull you like that, and plus he did say in the letter that you take care of yourself, he's very lucky you know, he doesn't know what a good caretaker you have just gotten yourself"
"Please don't start, I'm not even sure I'm pregnant yet"
"then we'll have to settle this and make sure that you are"
'no, don't say it" I knew who she had in mind, I was praying, holding my breath that it wouldn't be the women she's thinking of
"don't give me that look, if we have to make sure, helima is the only one experienced in the whole town"
I knew it, helima, as experienced as she was, she never stops gossiping, spreading news was her second job. if there was anything you wanted to know about anyone, all you had to do was serve her some tea and food and prepare yourself to be filled with every detail, it was like a background report. Even when women wanted to get married, she was the one they sought to find out more about the man. I knew that if I was pregnant in a day the whole town would know and if I wasn't she would let the whole town know that I was foolish enough to assume I was pregnant.
I look down and put my arm over my belly "do you really think I'm pregnant" I was confused, the last person I would want to find about this was helima. I felt unease about the whole situation.
"I really do, but we can wait a few more days if you want" she looks at me sincerely and nods
"let's wait just until I make sure I don't get my menses"
"Whatever makes you comfortable"
***
after isha, I walk out to watch the moon, everyone was happy again, of course, some people might have been lied to, that their kids had died or weren't found maybe that was the excuse used to keep them fighting with Abbas. yet there was laughter as well, and an echo of the Yemeni anthem from how loud it had been chanted in the morning. I could still hear it replying in my head.
yet when I look at the moon, this time it didn't seem to shine as bright as it always did. it looked a little dull as if it was lowering its light and sympathizing with me. I think about how somewhere, right now abbas is watching the same moon, and it's as if he's right next to me, watching it with me. I try to force a smile onto my face, I should be grateful why wasn't I happy, why was I still upset. I'm sorry ya Rab. I felt a sting in my heart, I should be thanking Allah for at least knowing he's alive, for the thought of being pregnant but for some reason I can't help but apologize because I know Allah knows what's in my heart, he knows exactly what I feel and it was mostly greed. greed to have more of those I love around me. They made up for the empty space my parents left in my heart. I didn't want to lose abbas.
I walk back inside and hear a little sob in the room I gave to Maryam. I make a little dua for her asking Allah to lighten the weight of her sadness and worry and head to my room. I hesitate thinking if I should go in or not but I knew Maryam she would swallow her tears the second I walk in. She would pretend to be fine that's how she is, she jokes around to make up for the pain she feels. I make wudu and pack the letters abbas left me. one after another my hand embraced each one, remembering each day for each letter, letting the memories flow freely with each letter, and feeling my heartbeat louder to each word written.
I lay in bed and tell myself today I received great news, one was that abbas is alive, two was that I might be pregnant, and three that Maryam would be staying with me. I try to let that sink in, and I feel the tears run down my face,
I can't help it.
damn it.
I'm so worried, I can't help but anticipate that something terrible might occur.
***
BAM!
I wake up to a loud sound in the kitchen of pots and pans hitting the floor. I run outside to see what happened.
"Maryam?"
she looks up at me , having a remorseful look on her face like that of a little kid.
"what are you doing?"
"will, I thought since I'm staying here, I might as well make myself useful and cook something up"
"this early in the morning, there's two of us we can make food quickly later"
"I can't remember, it takes me hours and I can't even make roti yet" Maryam replies with disappointment
"you still don't know how to make roti?" I asked shocked
"uff no I don't, I just don't understand how you flip it from one arm to another and it doesn't get ripped apart, it frustrates me," she says irritated
"you know, I can try to teach you it, maybe you just need to work on it a little more"
"really Hadiya, I've been working on it for eight years now, I don't think I'll be getting any better any day now, these hands only rip dough not make it"
"say insha'Allah, I'll make it with you today and for the first three just watch and then join me"
"no, I'll do something else"
"why come on I'm a pregnant lady now, I'm going to need your help," I say pouting and putting one arm on my side to make me look like I'm in pain.
"that's exactly why I said no, I'm only going to hinder you" she replies paying no attention to my joke. how cold of her, not even a slight smile.
"you haven't changed at all you know that" I let out a sigh, it's true. She's always been like this, she can't accept the help of anyone unless she can offer them something in return, she didn't enjoy people helping her out of goodwill, I never really understood why.
"what do you mean by that?" she stops picking up the pans and focuses intensely on what my reply is going to be.
I didn't know how to answer but I knew that if I made a deal with her she would accept my help. hmm, what could I ask her that wouldn't be too much of a burden for her and that would allow her to accept my help. a great idea comes to mind "I mean let's make a deal, ill teach you how to make roti if you teach me how to read, because trust me I will also hinder you when it comes to reading" this time I use the word hinder because I liked how it sounded, I had no clue what it meant but it sounded cool hearing her say it. hopefully, that would be one of the words I learn to read and write.
"okay deal then," she says after giving it a brief moment of thought. I gave her a satisfied smile, this was a tiny victory for me. I could take my mind off of abbas. I feel like it only saddens me to think of him, he's all that runs through my mind, I have to find something else to occupy my mind, or else I might just go crazy.
YOU ARE READING
A silent cry
Historical Fiction"and after all this time of waiting the devil would reach out to me and whisper, he's dead and you are here, how much longer will you wait, how much longer would you deny the truth, at some point, I was afraid that he would unlock my ribcage and sen...
