A silent cry

33

sultana had enough of me and so did my uncle. They talked to my mother privately while I eavesdropped leaning behind the door. words like "too out of control, possessed, ill" were thrown around and I stopped listening and left. I already knew the result was good. we were finally leaving. 

I tried my best to not talk about Sultana. My mother sometimes would talk bad about her but then say "astgfarallah, tell me to stop if I ever talk badly about anyone" i knew it was haram but i loved hearing my mother rant to me. i loved when she talked about how her khidab is becoming better, and how she can't wait to start. she was tired it was obvious but she never quit or talked about being tired. my mother was so strong which only means that if I'm going to be taking care of her i need to be stronger. 

i head to the mosque and recite Quran. i felt sick and terrible for all the things we've stolen. Zakriya started coming to the mosque too. he was against stealing before i was. 

Hamza felt like we were betraying him and leaving him behind. "you think if you work or stop stealing the world will look at you any differently.! we will never change in people's eyes we're the burdens on our mother's backs and nothing will ever change that." he said walking away and lighting a cigarette. 

 Zakariya and I don't speak about this. only because he's right the world will always see us as lowlifes. he was his stepfather's burden. they always fought I guess that's why he was stronger than us, he takes the hardest hits and learned to return some. Zakariya's mother had high expectations of him to help support his other 4 sisters. she also got married to another man to help support her kids. Zakriya never talked about the type of relationship between them. i felt bad for him because even I was smarter than him.

we were in the 8th grade now. how have I made it this far? i have no clue. no one picks on us like they used to. my mother made sure my uniform was clean every day. she never made me feel like I'd missed out on having a father. she was more than enough. 

i look back at the test paper laid on my desk. i lean back on my chair and look around the room. i had two questions left but I was going to guess because i didn't know the answer. my eye shifted to Marwa who wouldn't stop writing. she seemed so focused, so determined. i liked this side of people. their ambitious side prevailed in school, i couldn't bring myself to be ambitious here. i just don't understand the fuss. i looked over at Zakariya who seemed to break into a sweat answering the questions. that boy might die from dehydration.  yet he never cheated, it was haram, no matter how bad it was he would never cheat. 

i on the other hand had the worst eyesight in the world. i can't cheat even if I wanted to. i never told my mother because i know how expensive glasses are and she would work night and day to get them. during lunch, Zakariya is called to the teacher's office, Hamza and i go after him and stand behind the door. we hear the teacher make fun of him. "with grades like these you won't make it anywhere." Hamza tried to barge in and i hold him back. "you have to do better than this or else there's no way you can be a doctor it would be nothing but a delusional dream. 

Zakriya takes the criticism quietly and comes out. hamza and i look at each other and wrap our arms around his shoulders. we sit down near some rocks in the schoolyard. Zakriya doesn't choose to walk out he sits there and a second later says "damn it, I'm going to have to try harder! I have to" 

"Yeah, you know we're poor, we need a good doctor," hamza says 

"not to mention Hamza already smokes he might have a lung problem by the time you become a doctor," i said

we laugh patting him on the back. he was going to become a doctor insha'Allah.

***

Marwa stands in front of the class with three other boys. they had the top grades. i look over to Zakariya who wouldnt look up from his paper. I wasn't worried about him though, he never quits. "only quitters are losers" he would repeat. that became our chant when we used to steal things. how ironic, neither one of us got mad at how Hamza reacted because all we ever knew was stealing but I can't bring myself to ever do it again not after hearing the mosque's imam lecture us about stealing. 

i focus back on Marwa who wasn't smiling this time. she always smiled when she got a high grade. we walk out to the schoolyard and i wait for Marwa to come then I hear a crowd gathering and go see what's happening. Hamza was standing in the middle about to punch a boy when the girl behind him steps in and kicks the boy in the chest. Hamza smirks and the boy in his hand looks terrified for his life. the girl leaves and Hamza punches the boy in the gut until he falls down grasping in pain and clenching his stomach. "don't ever touch a woman you have no right over"

that explains it. i didn't need to know more than that. some girls walk by shaking their heads at the boy on the floor. Marwa as always slow like a turtle comes when everything is over.