A silent cry

34

"What happened?" Marwa asked 

"Hamza hit him because he picked on a girl" i said and started walking away. 

"What happened with you?" I said pretending not to care much so it wouldn't get to her head that i noticed 

"what do you mean?" she said confused 

"in class, you weren't happy when you stood up for honors"

i look back to see her reaction andshe walks slouched looking at her feet as she drags them slowly in the sand. "it's my dad, he said I can't go to the 9th grade. I've gotten enough education. what's the point of all those good grades if I have to quit now." her tone gets louder and she grits her teeth. 

"it's not fair you boys can go for as long as you want and most of the time you choose not to. I don't want to stop now, I've come so far" 

"Are you throwing shade at me? " I said because she was right i didn't want to go to school. 

"yes, yes i am. you're not even planning on finishing school. i want to be a doctor how does it make sense that when women go to the hospital they want female doctors but yet they don't allow females to finish school to become those female doctors"

I liked seeing her riled up about something she cares about so much. something about passionate people that makes them so much better looking. I smile without realizing it.

"Are you smiling?! Jabil there's nothing to smile about. everything I've ever known is about to go to waste and all this hard work and sleepless nights are going to be exactly like this dirt here". she kicks the sand under her feet and it dissipates into the air

"gone forever," she says

"why does he suddenly want you to stop school?" I said taking the water bottle from her bag and   drinking

"what other reason than to get married to a wealthy man"

i almost choke on the water. Marriage but she's only 13. 

"but you're only 13," I said trying to sound calmer

"yeah well I'm going to sit home until i'm 15 and then we're going to get engaged and then the marriage will be when I turn 17. I just have to stop school after this year because people are talking about me"

for someone who didnt want to get married she already had the whole thing planned. i knew what they were saying. they were talking about her and me. it's the exact reason why I kept a gap between her and me when we walked. she would walk behind me and I would walk a few feet in front of her. Sometimes we got so carried away in the conversation and the gap lessened but i know how embarrassing it must be for her to be rumored dating the maid's son.  people joked about my mother being in and out of people's houses. Hamza broke a boy's jaw when he heard him say that in front of me. i fought too but not as much anymore because i know my mother well. 

i don't want her to stop though. she shouldn't have to stop. how can i help her? 

"what are you going to do?" i said walking a little slower so we can talk a little more. 

"pray to Allah that the guy I marry would allow me to continue school because I don't think there's anything else I could do to convince my dad."

my feet stop walking on their own. "that's it, you're giving up that easily?" I said stopping and looking back at her. 

"Why are you so mad? if there was anything else I could do, don't you think I would've done it already"

why am i mad? how can she ask that when she already agreed to marry someone and give up on her dream. "because this is your dream and you're actually smart, you can't quit that's what losers do"

she takes out the water bottle I placed in my bags side pocket and pushes the cap side of the bottle between my brows. "first  unfurrow your brows idiot" she said

"whatever Allah plans happens, I'm not saying I'm giving up I just need a new plan"

"you have to tell me when you have one, okay"

"no" she says. i turn around and continue walking because that means yes. 

i looked forward to working. There was a fully black horse. it was one of the wild ones, so no one really wanted to ride it and if they did the results were always detrimental. it was my favorite horse. it would calm down when I pat the top of its head between its eyes. i was the only one trusted with taking care of it and so the other stable boy was kicked out and now I get double the payment I got before. i called him Bullhead and when the boss was busy I would take it for a ride, he didn't respond to demands only when talked to kindly. it was like he can understand everything and didn't want to ever be commanded of something, He kind of reminds me of Marwa. 

I wonder what plan Marwa is going to come up with but somehow I'm not worried. she always figures things out. The only thing about her is she always needs someone to help her carry out her plan and that someone is always me. 

"faster bullhead" he halts and I almost fall "please" I added. He dashes faster. The wind flows through my hair and it's one of the greatest feelings ever. My mind goes blank. 

i fix everything up before leaving and head to the mosque for the maghrib prayer. I noticed one of the guys next to me was a worker in one of the stores that i see walking home from school. He tells me to stay for the lecture the sheikh will give.I hesitate but he insists. I stay. 

when the lecture begins I realize exactly why the guy insisted. The shiekh spoke on haram relationships.i undersatnd that the guy next to me did it out of sincerity but i really don't need the lecture. i was never going to be in a realtionship. It's too much work, i stick around anyways out of respect and  catch a few things 

"when a man and a woman are alone the third of them is shaytan" 

.. "the Zina of the eyes is a lustful glance" 

have I ever looked at Marwa lustfully? I don't think I have. I don't see Marwa like that and plus I made a vow to myself that I would never fall in love, after seeing the damage it brings I couldn't. My mother still reads the notes my father left for her and I see how she yearns for any new letter from him. she still hasn't accepted his death. why would anyone ever put themselves through that much worry and sadness? I am never going to fall in love! I am certain of that.