A silent cry

39

I smiled because the man got a bad beating. his whole face is probably rearranged looking at the blood on Hamza's knuckles.

"what are you doing fighting with a big man?" I lied that he stole something from me. "I would have believed you more if you said you stole something from him" I try to laugh and it hurts and Hamza doesn't ask me after that.

he places one of my arms around his shoulder and carries me to the hospital and I felt my eyes closing on the way "only quitters are losers" he said trying to push me up each time. "you can't quit you're a man" he would tell me over and over again on the way. for the first time, I hear his voice tremble it was so weird coming from a man like Hamza I thought nothing could really shake him like that. I try to tease him that he encourages me like a mother but I could hardly stand to even try and talk. He takes me to the hospital and they bandage it for me there but we told them we only had fifty bucks so they treated it in the waiting room.

he carries me on his shoulder again halfway until I told him to stop. "it's alright I can walk from here"

"alright but I'll walk with you," he says and I take my arm off his shoulder, I sway a little dizzy but he holds me back up and we continue walking. I felt like my whole stomach was being cut with a machete every step I took but I was a man so I sucked in the pain.

"so what did that man actually do?" Hamza asks more curious this time

"he was staring at Marwa in a perverted way," I said and I leave it at that. i didn't even want to mention Marwa, it's not fair to her. 

"so you were protecting her" I don't answer 

"... because you like her" he grins 

"i don't like her, you protect girls all the time i don't think you like them"

"but i think you like her" 

"i don't"

"yeah sure" 

i don't answer because it felt like i was exerting too much energy arguing with him. 

" i knew it, that's why you're not arguing"

I fix my hair and posture in front of my house door. "normal?" i ask hamza  before going in 

"like you just rolled in the dirt, normal," he says and that was good enough that gave me an excuse on what to say if my mom did see the scar. There's no way I can hide it from her for long anyways. she always seems to catch on to my lies. It's as if mothers have a sixth sense or something. I hug hamza goodbye and go inside. I walk inside and everything was quiet except the food on the oven. I look inside and turn off the fire. I leave to find my mother and I spot the notes she said baba wrote.

I pick one of them up and I see how much my mother's handwriting is an attempted imitation of his.

"When we have our kid, I will be the happiest man alive. I already am but I will be happier

-my Hadiya"

well, you have a kid now although I'm not sure if you're happier. you never even found out. asgfar'Allah it was never your fault. May Allah have mercy on your soul baba. I open the second note

"this time I actually do want assed

-my Hadiya"

I almost laugh, who leaves a note asking for what dinner they want, and who asks for it like that?i flip over the third note to read it

"I will always love you sunset, please don't forget me

-my Hadiya "

it was kind of cringe. He probably didn't need to beg her or even write it on paper. There's no way mama would forget him. He was not only on her mind but probably somewhere deep in her heart. What's with "my Hadiya" though couldn't he have just said Hadiya or to Hadiya? such a weird way to address a note to someone.

I look for my mama or my dad's Hadiya because apparently, she's only his. At least he made that clear in every note. The roof door was open and I was worried about her. I find her making dua while under the moon. I lean on the door and listen

"Allah protect him wherever he is"
She still has faith that he's still alive. I hear the confidence in her voice when she makes that dua. I hear the longing to be reunited with him as well. It's really unbelievable and somewhat crazy to think he's still alive but maybe she wouldn't be able to live without believing that he is still alive too.

I pat her shoulder and remain standing until she reminds me to pray. She walks into my room after I prayed and tried to Bandage the wound again because I got my shirt wet while changing and the wound cloth got wet too.

I watch concern fill her face and I hate that she is so worried and I hate that I have to lie to her. Well, really not all of it is a lie everything I said wallah I didn't do is true. I just didn't say wallah to the part about falling onto a rock.

She helps lay me down on my bed.
"Good night  Abbas's Hadiya," I said  jokingly and looked up at her while she left, she tries to repress her laugh 
"You're not going to school or work tomorrow," she says and leaves. I have to go through or who else will walk Marwa? The guy is still out there somewhere he might attack her.

In the morning I try to leave my bed quietly before my mother hears anything but my whole torso felt heavy. I turn to my left side and find her lying near the bed with a blanket under her. I feel so bad. She had so much she needs to deal with and I just seem to burden her with more. I really am trying to be a good son and every wrong that I committed or commit is never her fault. I put my blanket over her gently so as to not wake her.

 I take deep breaths with each step while walking near the street walls to hold my body upright. If I had known how to fight this wouldn't have happened. I envy Hamza for his strength, he seemed so capable of so many things and no one can really stop him. I stand in front of Marwa's house.