When There Is Hope

(16) Hope Is Headache

Liza^^

School

A place for which i have mixed feelings. Earlier it was nothing but a safe haven from my stepdad and a breath of fresh air. But it was also a place where I was verbally abused and also pressurized to be the best so that Erick is happy with my performance.

I have a feeling it can change for me now.
For better or worse i am still contemplating.

The best thing about this is i can choose my own subjects which earlier was not the case curtsey to Erick. Elio asked me which subjects i wanted to study and i was glad I was given a chance to choose. It felt good and empowering.

One thing that i observed about myself is that it's been almost a month and i am not scared anymore. Not more than earlier atleast. My brother's are scary but their presence provide me with a sense of safety even I didn't knew i needed. At first it felt surreal that Erick was dead but now i don't hesitate to call him by his name instead of dad that he made me call him. I don't follow all the rules he used to give me. It's like i am slowly liberating into a better version of myself.

The part where my mom died to protect me linger in my head along with the guilt. She deserved to live. And she died protecting me. But later that night Alonzo came in my room and told me how mamma wanted all of us to outlive her and live for her in the best way possible. He asked me to be selfish for my happiness and live the life because with my eyes like my mother's she can always take a peak in the living world through my eyes.

That did it for me. I don't know what I will do in future or what I want in my life but I want to be contented with beautiful memories.

My mamma had that. She had beautiful memories with all of us and she died protecting her only daughter. As a women i can feel the contentment she would have felt. She sacrificed so that her youngest child could live.

But that costed her her life. Was it worth it?
I don't think so. As a 3 year old child i didn't even have some sort of self consciousness but she thought I did have something to offer to this world. So for her i promised myself to be better.

I have started to improve and discover myself. I am also starting to understand my brother's more but I am still curious about what Riccardo said. I started learning Italian from Alonzo from the last few days so that i feel connected with my family and also to understand what they are hiding from me.

I am not going out of my way to get to know what is happening but I am still trying to subtly understand it ? I guess.

Back to the topic. School i going to school and that to a private one. Write now i am wearing a white shirt and a maroon checked skirt which almost reached my knees. Along with that i am wearing a tie and knee length stockings.

It felt weird to look myself in the mirror with these expensive clothing. I still have some doubts that they might regret taking my Custody after all. But the way they accepted me gave me hope to be a better sister or sorella for them.

After going down and greeting everyone i quickly ate the delicious pancakes in front of me.
When Nicòlo, Ezio and Elio looked at me they all gave me an approving look.

"Thank God you are wearing your uniform perfectly or else I would have to beat all the boys, left and right" Alonzo said jokingly.

"Shut up Alonzo. Hope come here." Nicòlo said gruffly.

I came closer to him. He slightly opened my top button of shirt and folded the sleeves of my shirt.
"Don't be insecure of your scars. Wear them proudly. You look even more beautiful like a knight. Moreover it's hot."  he said.