Perfectly Ourselves

Chapter 10

Riley and I walk side by side to our next class. And as we're walking, I remember how I'll eventually have to tell Riley how I was raped. My mind starts imagining how Riley left me because he couldn't be near someone as dirty as me. And tears start to pool in my eyes.

I'm so dirty. Tainted. Disgusting. Who would ever want to love me? Who would ever want to be with someone who was used the way I was? The second Riley finds out what happened to me he's going to leave. I know it. Anyone who's sane would leave. Why would someone stay? I'm worthless. I'm nothing.

I can't stop my tears from falling. I quickly wipe them away, only for them to come back.

Riley notices I'm crying, which makes me cry harder. He might care now, but he'll leave later. He doesn't know how disgusting I am yet.

I stop walking, and so does Riley. "Keely what's wrong?"

I just shrug.

"Do you want a hug?" Riley asks.

Before I can stop myself, I wrap my arms around Riley. Even if he'll leave me, I might as well take advantage of him being here just for the moment.

Riley just lets me cry into his chest as we stand on a deserted sidewalk. Riley doesn't seem to care how we'll be late to our class because of me. Riley doesn't seem to care about how I'm getting his shirt wet with my tears. Riley doesn't seem to care how I refuse to tell him what's wrong.

I have no idea how long we stay hugging for, and I really don't care. I really did just need a hug, even if Riley will be gone soon enough he's here for the moment.

After my tears have stopped falling, Riley pulls me away from him and holds me an arms length away as looks me over, then nods to himself. "I respect you don't want to tell me what's wrong, but I just want you to know you can always talk to me. You can always talk to me."

I nod. I trust Riley. I've always trusted him. I trusted him back when we were just kids, so why wouldn't I trust him now? Sure he ditched me back in high school, but I've realized that was just us being stupid teenagers. I still trust Riley. I never stopped trusting him.

"Let's go get some food and just skip this class ok?" Riley suggests, and I agree. We'd already be really late for the class, so might as well not even show up.

Riley and I walk hand in hand to the bus stop, and sit right next to each other, our knees so close they touch slightly.

"I really need to get a car so I can drive you to your house whenever we both visit." Riley says randomly. "There's some weird people on the public bus."

Memories of being stuck in a burning car with a rod sticking through my skull flash through my mind, and I shake my head to rid the memories. Never again. I will never go in a car again.

"The bus is just fine." I say quietly.

I was stuck in the burning car for hours, with a literal metal rod sticking through my skull.

Our brain has no nociceptors - the nerves that detect damage or threat of damage to our body, and our bones have no nerves, meaning bones don't feel pain. The skin surrounding your head does, and that's why we feel pain, but once something is past the skin, we can't register pain. That's why during brain surgeries sometimes the patient will be kept awake once the doctors are in the brain. That's why I sat there for hours chatting with a emergency paramedic as my skin burned and I had a metal rod impaling my head.

That's why I'm deaf. When I was in the car crash, and a part of the 18-wheeler that crashed into me got lodged into my skull, it grazed the part of my brain that registers sound. My hearing loss wasn't immediate. Once the metal rod was removed from my skull and brain, that's when I lost my hearing.

I was only 16yrs. old at the time of the car crash. And just a few months after I had recovered from the car accident, Kai, my ex boyfriend, had raped me. Gosh that was one tough year for me. I lost my hearing, I was raped, I found my rapist got me pregnant, and before all of that Riley had ditched me.

"You know, I've always wondered why you stopped coming to school for like a year and a half." Riley says randomly as we board the bus.

"I was homeschooled." I say shrugging. Not only was I still adjusting to loosing my hearing, but I was also dealing with the aftermath of the rape and I was pregnant. So my parents decided it was best to just homeschool me. Which was definitely the right choice.

"Why?"

Instead of answering Riley, I just take out my hearing aid. If I can't hear him ask these questions, I don't have to answer them. Each question he asks will get him all the more closer to finding out how I was raped, and then he'll leave.

I can't loose my best friend again.

...

After Riley and I got food, we headed back to campus for our last class of the day. Thankfully, I can't wait to be at home and just lay in bed. I never put my hearing aid back in, because I didn't want to have to hear Riley asking all those intrusive questions.

It's not until we've sat down in the auditorium when I put it back in.

"Can I hold your ha-"

"You don't have to ask anymore Riley. It's fine if you hold my hand." I say holding out my hand for Riley to take.

Riley flashes me a huge grin and takes my hand. I love how he asks to hold my hand, instead of just holding my hand without asking if I was ok with it first. Especially considering how I was abused and raped. Psychical touch isn't really my thing, but from Riley I'll except it.