Perfectly Ourselves

Chapter 11

I shut my apartment door, and sigh heavily. I've just kicked off my shoes and slumped onto my couch when there's a knock at my front door.

I groan and get off my couch and go to the door and open it. I was expecting it to just be Noah, who probably already lost his key, but instead it's my dad.

"Dad what are you doing here?" I ask letting him in.

Frick! Frick! Frick! He's gonna know something's wrong. I mean, it's not a bad thing, but is it a good thing?

"I came because someone was worried about you. Know tell me what's wrong or I'll go therapist on you and figure it out myself."

My jaw drops. The only person I can think that knew I was upset was Riley. And he literally just said how he'd respect how I didn't want to tell him what was wrong.

"Oh that little traitor!" I yell looking to the wall that Riley and I share.

"Keely, baby what's wrong?" Dad asks seriously.

I shrug and start myself a cup of coffee.

"Nothing really. I just didn't sleep well last night."

I glance over at my dad, and his arms are crossed while he's watching me very closely.

"Cut the crap Keels."

I sigh heavily. "I just... I realized that once Riley finds out how dirty I am from Kai he's gonna leave. I can't go through that again dad. Kai was right. No one will ever want to love me."

Dad sighs and sits at the kitchen table, patting the seat next to him, so I go and sit.

"You are not dirty Keely. And someone will love you, even if you think they won't."

I shake my head. "I moved on from this dad. Been through all the therapy. I was just fine! Why is all of this resurfacing now?"

Dad rubs his chin, then looks right into my eyes. "Maybe it's because you're developing feelings for someone. Sometimes a rape victim can move on from it, seem perfectly fine, but the moment they involve themselves in a relationship the past pains resurface. Like for some people, psychical touch will trigger their past memories because they were touched by their rapist. For others it's not until they've started kissing someone, or having sex, that those memories become live in their minds. It's like a form of ptsd. For you Keely, maybe it's because you've been getting closer to a guy, holding hands, kissing, more then just kissing. Those are all reasons for your past emotional trauma and physical trauma to come back."

Hm... it does make sense. I mean, it wasn't until I kissed Riley that the same intrusive thoughts I had 6 years ago came back to mind. So maybe it's not really true, and it's just because I'm remembering what it was like with Kai.

"I mean, Riley and I did kiss, and that's when I remembered all that."

My dad nods. "Then that's definitely what it is. There's really no way to make your memories disappear. All you can do is remind yourself that no one is leaving because of what you've been through. You are definitely not dirty from Kai. And just take it slow with Riley."

I nod, taking all of my dad's information in.

"Maybe, if you think Riley is trustworthy enough, and you're comfortable with it, tell Riley. When the person knows what you've been through, it better helps them be aware of how to act in the relationship. But you don't have to tell Riley. It's only if you think he could help you."

"I dunno. Maybe? I mean, he's already been asking permission before holding my hand and stuff."

Dad nods. "Good. Anyone should do that, even if the other person wasn't sexually hurt."

I look down at my folded hands. "So, when will I be back to how I was? When will it stop hurting?"

Dad sighs. "Never. You'll never go back to how you were, and it might stop hurting, but it will never go completely away."

"That's what I thought. I think I'm gonna go paint some. Could tell Zoey I said hi, and that I love her?"

Dad nods as he stands up. "Of course. I love you hunny."

I wave bye to dad. And go to my bedroom and grab my art notebook.

Using art as a way to show our emotions and coping with tough things is a thing my family is big on. I've been using this method of releasing my emotions since I can remember.

I roll up my sleeves of my hoodie, and begin painting. I have no idea what I'm painting, but I usually don't. It's mostly just abstract paintings that I do, and I love the idea of have no plans, just letting my emotions lead my paint brush.