Descend - Wolfstar + Marauders

Insurmountable

He imagined that if the world ended, it would have to feel something like this.

Sirius had come back for the funeral, but he had to leave again right after. He hadn’t wanted to go. He hadn’t wanted to do anything. Poor James and Lily couldn’t even attend in the first place. All any of them wanted was to be together.

Remus had remained alone back at the apartment after Sirius left again. Harry’s first birthday came so soon after and he couldn’t bring himself to go. He just dropped Sirius’ gift at the door along with his own and left. He’d received a letter from Lily that afternoon with a picture enclosed of Harry cuddling up with their new cat, the gift Remus had given after obtaining Lily and James’ full permission nearly a month ago. Apparently, he’d also loved the broomstick Sirius had got him. He was glad.

He’d spent a lot of time with James and Lily since it happened, but this was supposed to be a day with the slightest glimmer of hope and he just couldn’t bring himself to taint it. He certainly couldn’t bring himself to feel anything so unattainable as hopefulness.

It just wasn’t fair. None of it was fair. They were all holding it together, even him, because the enormity of it was just so much that nobody even knew how to go about falling apart.

Almost nobody actually knew that Marlene and her family were involved with the Order. They had only ever attended meetings sparingly, and only with core Order members. The legal work they did was vital and the secrecy of it was utmost. Even Remus didn't really know the full extent of it. Marlene always talked about her studies with him, not her work. Death Eaters had swarmed their offices. Marlene and her family never stood a chance.

Somebody leaked it. They always knew it was an Order member, but somebody in that core group was a traitor. It was unthinkable. At the funeral, nobody could quite meet anybody else’s eyes. The Marauders and Lily knew they could trust each other. Everyone else was suspect. Sirius had been so angry Remus was genuinely afraid he would start a fight right there in front of the graves. Didn’t matter with who.

It was bad enough, but then days after Harry’s birthday they finally got the word. Dorcas had been missing since right after the attack. The slaughter. They had all been hoping for some miracle, but as had been drilled into them again and again by this fucking nightmare, there were no miracles.

She had gone after them. They always knew that she was a powerful witch. There were really no areas in which she did not excel, but she chose to channel it all into healing.

She got through a lot of Death Eaters before Voldemort decided to deal with her himself.

Sirius came home again after that. He’d taken a week off work after getting back from the mission and had stayed in his Animagus form almost the entire time. Him and Remus spent most of their days laying in bed together, though sometimes they took long, aimless walks through the city. Remus was up to smoking nearly two packs a day. Sirius never commented.

Somehow, he’d managed to avoid relapse, though he hardly knew how long he could keep it up. It just felt wrong. Too wrong even for his worst instincts to convince him to give in. They were in it together. Himself, Sirius, Lily, James and Peter. He couldn’t be the one to fall apart and make it all about his drama. He wouldn’t do that to them. He wouldn’t put them through all that again when they were in the middle of the worst moment the fucking war had yet to lay at their feet.

He wouldn’t do that to Marlene and Dorcas.

It had been six weeks and he still hadn’t really accepted that they were gone. He’d been volunteering a lot since Sirius went back to work, and it helped him feel slightly more grounded. Still, the grief was almost overwhelming.