Blessed Death boy (Nico di Angelo)

4: Either a Starburst or a Condom (noin)

4: Either a Starburst or a Condom (noin)

Nico was walking Eris to the bathroom. Seems unnecessary and a little inappropriate? Well it kinda was, as she already knew how to do an Iris message, she was just a broke ass bicth with no drachmas. So she let him think she was clueless and stupid so that she'd A) get him to pay for it, and B) get him alone with her in a small room.
"Okay, so first we have to run the water and let it fill enough," he began telling her as he turned the bathwater on.
"Mhm, right."
The water ran for a minute or so before he stopped it and said, "So now that it's full, you toss this coin in, it's called a drachma," and held up a small golden coin. "Here, toss it in."
She was bored out of her mind, she knew this shit already. But she took it and tossed it in.
"Now to 'call' your friend, you have to say, 'O Iris Goddess of the rainbow, accept my offering. Show me,' then say their name and where they live . . ."
This was fuckin lame. I. Know. This. Shit. You. Sexy. Tard.
"Mhm, mhm, okay."
"You got it?"
"Yep. O Iris Goddess of the rainbow, accept my offering. Show me Lauren Guttie in Placerville, California."
They waited for a moment. "Sometimes it takes a sec," Nico reassured her.
She leaned over and looked into the tub. The coin was still there.
He noticed and checked too. "That's weird, maybe we did something wrong, the coin should be gone."
No shit Sherlock.
"Let's try it again," he told her.
She did it again. Nothing. And the coin stayed there.
"I'm not messing with you I swear, something's wrong," he said, panicking slightly at her silence.
Eris ignored him, and yelled, "O Fleecey do me a fuckin solid and show me my bestie!"
He looked at her in surprise. "How did you-"
"Percy told me."
He was still skeptical. "No, we agreed not to tell anyone, I've been very fond of inside jokes since I found out what they were and-"
"Shut up Nico, something's up, why isn't it working!?"
"I don't know, maybe they're on vacation."
"HER FATASS DOESN'T GO ON VACATION, SHE SITS ALONE IN HER ROOM WRITING YOUR FANFICTION AND PLAYING ANIMAL JAM TO RELAX."
"What the fuck is fanfiction?"
"Doesn't matter, we need to find out if she's okay!"
"Do you wanna try calling your legal guardian? Just to ask if everything's okay?"
"Ahaha, oh Nico. Sweet, sweet Nico. You crack me up sometimes."
His resting bitch face came back on. "Well what the hell else are we supposed to do if you don't want to call anyone else?"
She sat for a moment, just looking at the drachma sitting in the water. She remembered that they were also used to pay for trips to the underworld. The underworld...
With slight fear and panic in her voice, she asked, "Nico . . . you can sense the dead right? Like, if you focus on someone, you can sense their soul in the underworld once they've died?"
"Eris, I don't think-"
"Please? She shouldn't be dead but if she is... I just have to know." She gave some sad puppy dog eyes. They worked just as well (if not better) than her staring contests of submission.
"You know I can't . . ."
"Pwease, Nico . . ." She started fake crying, which she didn't expect to actually work, because it never worked on her asshole brother or mom, even when she was actually crying.
He looked conflicted. Then he sighed. "Okay, I'll check."
"Thank you..." (UwU face)
She watched him as he closed his eyes and focused. "What was her name again?"
"Lauren Guttie."
"It would help if you told me what she looked like."
"Sexy as fuck. That's all you need to know."
His signature sigh again, which only seemed to happen around Eris.
Eyes still closed, he half-whispered a slight, "Oh . . ."
"What? What is it?"
He opened his eyes and looked at her with no response.
"Nico, I swear to the fucking gods."
". . . She's gone, Eris."
"Lying whore."
"I'm serious. She's in the underworld."
Tears, real ones, leaked out of her eyes. "But you can bring her back."
"No, I can't."
"You're the fucking antichrist, you can do whatever you want."
"I can't do that."
"You can't or you won't? You've done it before, I know you have. You told me you brought back a cat in its skeleton."
"Animals are different, it's not the same with a person, and you don't know, what if her body's deteriorated?"
"Even if it is, the bones are still there, you can do it."
"I... I won't do it, it's inhumane."
"Bitch please, if this is inhumane the cat was inhumane."
"Again, that was just a cat."
"Just fucking do it, and if she hates it you can send her ass right back." She was crying really hard now, but her facial expression remained stone-cold and determined.
"Eris . . ."
"Nico, you don't understand. She's my main bitch, my hoe, my ride-or-die thot. And if you don't bring her back I'll kill you and put you down in the underworld with her you little fucker." She was breaking down, crying harder.
"I..."
"Nico, please..."
He sat there for a moment and just looked at her. "Are you sure you want me to do this?"
"Yes, one-hundred percent, YES."
Another Nico sigh. He closed his eyes. "Okay."
"EEEEEEEEEEE MI FAMILIA'S COMING BAAAAAACK!!! FUCKING SCORE DUDE!!!"
"Oh my gods."
She jumped up and wrapped her arms around his neck, hugging him. "YESYESYESYESYES THANKYOUSOMUCHNICO AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!"
He hugged her back for a minute while she cried tears of joy. "Okay, you gotta get off, I'll do it."
Hype as fuck, she asks, "Okay, what do we have to do to bring her back?"
Nico pauses. "I think...." He shudders. "I think we have to find her body."
"Bet she's still sexy."
They formulated a plan. After their last quest, it wouldn't be too hard to convince Chiron and Mr. D to let them go out into the world, as a break. They'd both been stuck at camp for months since the quest, and they were getting tired of it anyway. The plan was called Operation Poot, as they came up with it in the bathroom.
Once the convincing had been done, they said goodbye to their friends, again, and left for California. The deal was that they could leave as long as two weeks, with regular Iris updates, of course. Traveling across the country would've been rough, if Nico didn't have shadow travel. Soon after leaving camp, he took himself and Eris to California. They were somewhere in Sacramento, and once they got a hold of a map, Nico managed to get them close to the cemetery Lauren was buried at. They found her gravestone, with the exact date of her death on it: only about 5-6 days ago. So by now, her body was likely smelling, pale and gross, but not rotten.
They found shovels and got to digging. After a while, Eris's shovel hit wood. And it probably sounds super fucked, but she smiled, knowing she was one step closer to seeing the fams again. The two of them tried pulling the coffin out, but Lauren was too fucking fat so they just opened it while it was still in the hole. Talk about dead weight.
"Okay, now what," Eris asked Nico.
"Well you were wondering what the 100 chicken nuggets still warm were for right?"
"I didn't ask, so not really, but I just assumed you were hungry. We don't judge here."
"I'll be sprinkling them all over her body to help bring her back, it helps me focus. Like the french-fry thing I told you about."
"Let's wake this skank up already."
They both got down in the hole and opened the coffin, the pair immediately repulsed by her nastiness.
"UGHHHHH GIRL. YOU NEED A SHOWER, SIS," she yelled.
"Shut the fuck up," Nico told her. "People live in this neighborhood."
"Oops."
He took out his plastic shopping bag full of nuggets and evenly spread them on and around Lauren's body. He stayed as far away from her nasty-ass face as possible, and sat down on the corner of the coffin. Nico sat and relaxed as much as possible, focusing his energy on the corpse. It took about five minutes of frustrated sitting and thinking before Nico opened his eyes, looking defeated.
"...I'm sorry, Eris," he said, looking up at her, as she'd climbed out and waited for him to do his thing.
Eris jumped down into the coffin. "It's not your fault, it's this stupid bicth's fault. Dumbass has always been prone to sleeping in." She yelled at the face: "NAP TIME'S OVER, WHORE, YOU NEVER SAID HENTAI." She slapped it.
She continued slapping and hitting the corpse while yelling various made-up slurs (boob punches, sexy thigh-slaps, you name it) until she finally throat-punched Lauren. There was a sudden jerk and a kick, and she heard Nico say "OW, WHAT THE FUCK." She coughed something up.
"Took you long enough, slut," Eris said to her.
Lauren's eyes opened. They were a dull, milky-white grey from days of decomposition. She looked right at Eris and yelled, "MI FAMILIA!!"
"YESSSSS HOE IT'S MEEEEE!!"
"I'm bleeding, you asshole. I brought you back and this is the thanks I get?" Nico said, covering his nose, which may now be broken.
"Fam," Lauren said.
"Yes," Eris replied.
"Is THAT. Fucking. Nico."
"Yes fam."
"Holy shit it worked."
"I know."
"We went to another dimension."
"I fucking know."
"And I died."
"Yeah, how did you die by the way?"
"Well after YOUR HOE ASS ran away, detectives said the evidence all pointed to your bitch-ass being dead. So I said 'fuck it.' Long story short, I'm pretty sure I died by erotic strangulation. Also I split my tongue in half." She stuck out her tongue and wiggled each side individually. "Dope, right?"
"OMG SO DOPE!!"
"I have a broken nose-" Nico started to say.
"AND I FUCKING DIED BUT YOU DON'T SEE ME BITCHING ABOUT IT, DO YOU?"
"Ewwww, what the hell is that?" Eris asked, pointing at something in the coffin. Lauren sat up and looked at the nasty purple-ish pink thing.
"Oh, that." She picked it up and tossed it out of the coffin into the dirt.
"What was it?"
"It's hard to say. Maybe a Starburst, maybe a condom."
"Girlllll I brought some deodorant and new clothes for yo stank-ass."
"Thank you so much bb!!"
The three of them climbed out of the coffin, and as Lauren and Eris got distracted talking about Nico and death and monsters and really kinky sex, Nico asked the obvious question. "Guys, how are we getting back to camp?"
"Can't you darkness-morph or whatever and bring us there?" Lauren asked.
"I would, but Eris won't let me. Since she heard it takes a lot of energy, she won't let me do it again," he replied.
"So how do we get back?"
"That's the problem. We'll have to hitchhike or something, I guess-"
"I HAVE AN IDEA," Eris said suddenly.
"What is it?" Lauren asked. She leaned over and whispered it in her ear. They burst out laughing.
"Omg that would actually work, he's pretty enough."
"Yes."
"Yes."
Although Nico was VERY against it at first, he finally said yes when the girls argued that they were too ugly to get the job done, and he agreed. He stood on  the side of the road, appearing to be alone. But whenever a car stopped next to him and the person inside asked his prices, he'd say, "fifty for a blowie." As soon as they started started digging through their wallet, Nico whipped out a sword (which appeared to them as a gun) and mugged their ass. It was genius, and after only about four days they had more than enough to get them back to Long Island.
The three nights they were stuck, however, they all slept in a rather large cardboard box together, Lauren on one side and Nico on the other, sandwiching Eris. And even though Lauren was disgusting now, Eris wouldn't have been happier, with the two hottest people ever taking turns spooning her. The box was very comfortable, but sadly, they only had Lauren's nasty coffin pillow.
"Stop it, it's my turn tonight."
"Fuck you she's my fam."
"She's my girlfriend."
"SHE'S MY FAM."
"We agreed to switch."
"I don't give a shit."
"It's our last night in the box, and you got her the first night."
"But I haven't seen my bb in so wong UwU."
"Finders keepers. I found her alone, now she's mine."
"But I saw her first."
"Well where were you the last couple of months?"
"Dyeing my hair, piercing everything and making offerings to your daddy to bring a fictional character to life to fuck the hell out of him."
"And I was spooning Eris."
"Right, now it's my turn. You move your feet, you lose your seat, bucko."
"How did I move my feet?"
"You looked away for two seconds and I stole yo gurl."
"Bet."
"Bet, let's ask her who'd she like to fuck more."
"Fine. Hey, girlfriend, who would you like to fuck more? Me, a fucking 10, or this dead whore?"
"Your mom was a whore last night. Boom, owned."
"My mom is dead, asshole."
"I know, and I was pounding her in the Underworld."
This was entertaining and all, but Eris was tired and wanted to sleep, so she yelled, "SHUT THE FUCK UP AND BOTH OF YOU CUDDLE ME YOU SLUTS."
Lauren immediately responded to the harsh tone, (abuse kink) and Nico agreed to spoon her while Lauren snuggled with her from the front, mainly because he was afraid that if he kept arguing, NOBODY would get to cuddle her.
The morning after, the three of them got plane tickets back to Long Island, and Eris was thoroughly enjoying herself.
But when they got back, there wasa y a problem that needed solving: what the fuck are we gonna do with this dead skankfsutdsi?
They figured out a sleeping arrangement at Camp Half-Blood, as she couldn't go back home; she was dead. And since she'd died, the regular half-blood rules didn't apply anymore. She could see monsters now, and she was basically a half-blood but not cool. And ugly. And gross. And pale. So nothing had really changed.
But the Fam was back together, and that made it okay.

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