Blessed Death boy (Nico di Angelo)

12: Nico Gets the Wind Knocked Out of Him

12: Nico Gets the Wind Knocked Out of Him

"Lauren if you died, I would legit die too," Eris said between sobs.
"I already did though😭." Lauren had expressed interest in a fictional murderer and told Eris that they could kill her any day, accidentally throwing him into a mental spiral about what might happen if Lauren died and stayed dead for more than a few days. "I have cramps from the large quantities of shit in my body. I can't hold your scream pillow anymore baby, I need to release my feces."
"P-p-p-please d-don't clog the tuh-tuh-toilet," Eris said, stuttering more than a wattpad protagonist.
"Yeah, seriously," Nico chimed in. "I'm usually the only one living here and every time you do that, I have to unclog it. It's fucked up."
"Hahaha. I forgot you were here too," Lauren told him passive-aggressively, without smiling, before leaving to obliterate his bathroom.
Nico scooted closer to Eris. He'd been forced to the edge of his own bed when Lauren decided to crash their little love affair; it was almost embarrassing how easily he'd been pushed to the corner, now that Lauren's muscles weren't actively decaying.
"...Do you want me to take a turn holding the pillow?" Nico asked.
"NAUR," Eris yelled, snatching the pillow away from Nico's outstretched hand offering support. "That's kitten's job."
"I'm just trying to help, babe."
Eris flinched at his words. "...What the fuck did you just say to me?" she asked, offended.
"You seem upset... and I'd rather that you weren't?"
Eris gagged loudly and dramatically. "You're giving me the ick. You're icking me so hard."
"What the fuck is an ick."
"Doesn't matter. Because I NEED you to tell me why the fuck you'd EVER think that's it's okay to say something like that to me."
"Say what, that I care about your feelings? I thought you liked it when I broke character to show empathy."
"I do. But ZONT you DARE call me the...." Eris shudders. "...The 'B' word. Fucker."
"If you have a problem with being called a bitch, it's a little late to mention that. Besides, I haven't called you a bitch since we started dating." Awwww, he's written by a woman 🥺.
"Do NAWT play dumb with me, Nico Di Angelo. You KNOW that's not the word I'm talking about."
He racks his brain for what he could've possibly said to upset his beloved this much. He thinks for a few seconds, and rolls his eyes when he's realized. "Babe?"
"EUGH," they yell, gagging harshly. "Knock it AWF."
"Fine. Jeez, I'll never be affectionate again."
"Thank you. That's all I ask."
There's a brief silence, before Nico says, "...You let Lauren call you babe."
"And princess. Oh, and pookie," Eris adds.
"And kitten... and boo-bear...."
"And schnookums."
"Then why do you get... 'icked' when I say any of those?"
"Because I don't like Lauren💀 so it's easy to pretend I do as a joke."
Nico furrows his brow in thought. "So... the more you like me, the more disgusted you are by terms of endearment?"
"Yaaaass, king."
He's breifly insecure, worried that Laurens fucking company is preferred over his, before hearing the toilet flush, and remembering how fucking insufferable Lauren is, and he drops the issue.
Lauren walks back towards Nico's bed, and sees that he's taken her spot. "Move," she says.
"No."
"I was there first, fugly. And I need to keep holding the pillow."
"It's my bed, stupid. You move your feet, you lose your seat."
"Moooooom, Nico won't make room on the bed!"
"Maybe you'd fit better if you weren't so fat."
Me, an empath, knowing he won't eat for a week after this😢, Eris thinks to himself.
"Move or I'll sit on you."
Nico glares, calling her bluff. "You wouldn't."
Lauren turns around and prepares to sit on Nico's lap in a nonsexy way, before Nico chickens out and quickly wiggles out of the way.
"Guess he can't handle all this woman," Lauren says.
"Dyke."
"That's one of the slurs you're not allowed to say, fag." He shoves Nico off the bed aggressively. Lauren and Eris laugh at the silly way he fell, before they hear him gasping for air.
"OMG king are you okay🥺??" Eris asks to seem like a good person for attention.
Nico is writhing around and moaning in pain and Eris is trying to talk him through it, even as he insists that he's definitely broken all of his ribs at once. Lauren flips through the channels on Nico's fancy new flatscreen TV.
"This was a really solid investment from this year's camp budget," Lauren says as Nico trembles on the floor, now sitting upright while Eris rubs circles on his back. "Good quality."
"...Kill yourself...." Nico mutters.
"Don't tell me what to do. I'm doing you a favor right now."
He's barely able to speak in between sporadic breaths. "You a-almost kuh-killed muh-muh-me."
"Whatever. You tried to kill me first, without asking, when you KNEW I wouldn't want to become Gaidan Allagher, even if it would've been funny."
"You-"
"Shut up Nico, I recorded Saving Private Ryan. I figured out that historical fiction gets your gears grinding, you little pervert." Nico blushes and doesn't say jack shit, because he knows Lauren is right. Fucker.
When he's recovered they have a threesome on his bed and Nico moans every time the war effort is mentioned in the movie because it makes him nostalgic haha. Happy birthday Eris.
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