Blessed Death boy (Nico di Angelo)

11: Rotten Zombie Bitch Juices

11: Rotten Zombie Bitch Juices

"You're so fucking gross and ugly."
"You're anorexic."
"Fucking cunt."
"Go eat a hamburger you fucking twink."
Lauren had gotten some of her rotten zombie bitch juices on his aviator jacket. She'd been cuddling with Eris while they had it on, and one of Lauren's perpetually rotten holes had started leaking a gross brown mystery fluid in her sleep. Nico was kneeling in front of the river trying to scrub it out, but it wasn't helping much.
"It's not coming out you stupid asshole."
"It's involuntary, dick. It's like a period but there's no schedule for it."
"It's disgusting, gaybo. Why haven't you been wearing the bandages Will keeps giving you?"
"I ran out. And they usually leak anyways. I swear to gods it wasn't this bad when you first resurrected me."
Nico felt a little bad for grilling him (it's not really his fault that he'd been brought back a  little too late after he'd accidentally choked himself to death), but he'd never admit that because all emotions other than anger are a weakness. Also Lauren is really annoying.
"Ugh, it's so gross."
"And inconvenient," she said as she lifted her prosthetic arm. "This thing is heavy as balls. It's better than missing a limb, but having to use it every day is ass." Leo had built it himself out of scrap metal when her original arm had finally rotted away beyond functionability. He'd measured out every centimeter of her remaining arm to replicate it, and it took forever, but Lauren hadn't complained. Leo did, though, silently, with his nose scrunched as he breathed through his mouth. He tried not to be rude, but it was nearly unbearable. Lauren smells, BAD, and even the powerful and perfect vanilla cupcake perfume homemade from the Aphrodite kids couldn't properly mask the smell of her rotting flesh.
Nico groaned, and briefly considered killing him again so that he could just be fertilizer for the Dionysus kid's fruit garden. He'd probably be more fucking useful that way. Too bad Eris would never let him. He suggested it once, but all Eris said or needed to say about it was "I'll kill myself."
"Maybe one of the Gods could fix it if we asked nicely."
"Could your dad do something about it? Preferably just make me alive again; I don't want to secrete funky fluids for the rest of my life."
"Probably... but that should be a last resort."
"Well... what if we just replaced my body. Can we do that?"
"...Maybe, actually. I've never thought of it before."
Later that night, Lauren and Eris were singing "She" by Aidan Gallagher in cursive by the campfire. And Nico, filled with rage, had a horrible idea.
After staying in bed for the entire next day, (pretending to be sick) he'd developed a plan and stored enough energy to put it into action. Nico waited until midnight, when everyone was in bed, and it was only about nine o'clock in Los Angeles. He found the address online from an #AidansArmy reddit group, and shadow traveled into Aidan Gallagher's backyard. He climbed the vine lattice to Aidan's window like in one of those romance movies Eris made him watch to see if he'd get horny from it; the school shooter movies never seemed to turn him on, so they were trying every movie genre until he got hard.
Nico peers through Aidan's window, and watches in disgusted silence as Aidan ends his patreon livestream with a cover of a Harry Styles song. When Aidan thinks nobody is watching, he logs into a secret anonymous account and starts cyberbullying kids cancelling him on twitter with death threats.
This is his chance; he pulls his hand gun out of his inner coat pocket, and as Aidan hits send on a tweet that says "meat eaters should be skinned alive," Nico aims and pulls the trigger at his stupid fucking face before breaking the window. He climbs through the window and it takes an embarrassing amount of effort to throw Aidan's skinny little body over his shoulder.
Everything was going according to plan; who knew murder was this easy? Shadow traveling back to cabin #13 was a breeze, and so was transporting Lauren's fat lazy ass out from under Eris' bed without waking him up. As Nico begins focusing on transferring her consciousness into Aidan's freshly dead body, there's a knock on the door that he thinks about ignoring before hearing his silly partner yell. "Open up, babe. I know you have Lauren in there."
He sighs loudly and dramatically before begrudgingly getting up off the pentagram he's drawn on the floor and goes to open the door. There's another impatient knock. "I'm coming!!" he yells, and walks intentionally slower out of spite. Nico cracks the door open, but not enough so that Eris could see the mess inside.
They have their hands on their hips like a confrontational six-year-old "Where is he?"
"What makes you think she's in here?"
"I couldn't hear his labored breathing coming from his decaying lungs, or the moaning when he's having a weird dream, and if he'd gone out on a midnight walk there would've been a trail of rotten goo."
Someone else from behind the door clears their throat. Nico opens the door a bit more to see Chiron standing there. "We can smell Ms. Guttie from outside your cabin. Care to tell us why she's in there?"
     Nico glares at Eris. "Snitch."
"He was missing!!"
"So you woke up Chiron?!"
Someone else chimes in, "And me, so this better be important."
Nico opens up the door all the way, and Mr. D is there too, drinking a coke.
"Do you mind if we come in and discuss this?" Chiron asks.
Before he could say Why yes, I DO mind, Eris pushes past him and the two staff follow suit.
They quickly stumble upon Aidan Gallagher's body. Eris kicks Lauren awake. "Get up, fatass." She sits up, drowsy.
Chiron takes in the scenario. "Care to explain yourself, Mr. Di Angelo?"
"No."
Mr. D sips his soda. "Seriously, what the shit kid. Like I know death is your thing or whatever, emo boy, but c'mon."
"I was killing two birds with one stone. I hate Lauren's corpse and I hate Aidan Gallgher's existence."
Chiron was in slight shock. "This... is very irresponsible of you."
Dionysus runs out of soda and crumples up the can. "No kidding; that's the understatement of the century."
As he aims to toss his garbage into the trash can across the room, Lauren yells "Kobe!" as he lands it. She tries to high-five him, but Mr. D leans away from her disgusting gray flesh.
"Nicoooo," Eris whines. "Were you jealous of Aidaaan?"
He glares back at her. "How did you know it was him? I shot him in the face."
"I recognized his dumb fucking hair and unflattering button-up on his skinny little body."
Keeping his composure, Chiron says, "Nico Di Angelo, what you've done tonight is very serious, and there will be major consequences."
Nico groans and rolls his eyes. "Ughhhh. What's my punishment?"
"...I'm going to have to tell your father about this."

***
   
That's how Eris, Lauren and Nico ended up in the Underworld talking to Hades. Nico was being scolded. Just fucking GRILLED, honestly.
"Seriously Nico, you're my only son. You could have just asked me to fix up your friend."
"Yeah, 'last resort' my ass, Nico," Lauren chimed in.
"Yeah yeah, I got it, I shouldn't have committed first degree murder. So... how much trouble am I in?" he asked.
"None. At least not this time. Just...." Hades pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed. "Don't kill anyone else, son. I'll resurrect this boy, as his death is causing a lot of unneeded turmoil amongst thirteen-year-old performative activists, and I can sense that they are considering suicide because of this."
"Thanks, dad. I'm getting tired of hearing his shitty new cursive single on the radio because people think that death makes you talented."
"Of course. And it only seems appropriate to address the source of this issue." Hades looks at Lauren.
"...What??" Lauren has a look of realization. "Oh my god, you're gonna kill me aren't you." Eris immediately starts screaming and crying and clinging to her.
"Of course not," Hades says, interrupting the dramatic wailing. "You look... well, you look like death. And you're dripping... something on my nice palace floors. I'll reverse your mortal state of being to something less disgusting."
"Ohmigosh... thanks Hades. I was starting to lose my sense of touch. And my left ear fell off on the ride over here, so-"
"You can just say thank you and be done with it."
Hades gives Nico a funny look, that he somehow understands. "Yes, he's always this annoying. You can see why I was trying to give him one less thing to complain about."
"I fully understand why you were driven to murder now, son."

***

Lauren, not being completely fucking disgusting anymore, had finally met Leo's unfathomably low standards for flirting.
"I have to admit, with regular skin, you're pretty easy on the eyes," he said with a wink, trying to be casual as he sat down at the Apollo table during dinner. (Now that she was fully alive again, she could be claimed.)
"Thanks, I guess." Lauren tried to play hard-to-get, but it wasn't going to last for very long. Now that her nose didn't have to be super glued back on every few minutes, she could properly smell the motor oil somehow smeared all over him, and he was even more irresistible. But it would've been easier to flirt if Eris wasn't sitting directly on her lap.
"You know, now that you can walk around and do stuff without worrying about body parts falling off and everything, I was wondering if you and I could-"
"He's busy," Eris interrupted. "We're gonna be having a ton of sex all day every day alllll week now that he's not disgusting anymore."
"Uh-huh.... Soooo when you're done with that, would you possibly want to do something together?"
"I'd say yes, but I can't confidently say we'll be stopping after a week." Eris gropes Lauren's tit, and Leo takes that as his cue to fuck off until further notice.
"Okay... just get back to me if you're interested, I guess." He uncomfortably takes his plate and leaves as Eris glares at him.
"Hey sexy, when we're done eating, we can 'watch a movie' with Nico.... We haven't checked to see if sci-fi does it for him, if you know what I mean," Eris says with a wink.
"Am I hot enough for a threesome yet?"
"Duh."
They eat their food as fast as possible before dragging Nico away from his argument with Kamryn's boyfriend, Will, and take him to cabin #13 to watch Dune or something I don't know. I haven't seen it but I heard it's good and it's supposed to be sci-fi and Zendaya is in it but only for like three seconds I guess. The end ♡.

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