Semper - Fred Weasley

Chapter XXVI

Warning - self harm

Penny

After asking Sirius to give me a moment alone, I now stood in front of the room Sirius and Remus shared. Doorknob in hand, I stared at the wooden door.

I turned the knob but nothing happened, I tried as hard as I could but it didn’t turn.

With all my strength I tried again and again and again, but there was that invisible force that was working against me until I finally gave up. I leaned my back against the door and slid down, pulling my knees close to my body and resting my head on them.

The door wasn’t locked, I knew that. It was me, I was too weak, I’m always weak. My mind was working against me.

„Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. “ I screamed, banging the back of my head against the door as hard as I could until the pain kicked in and the world started spinning around me.

I brought one hand up at the back of my head and then looked at it, I admired the red liquid clinging to my fingers. The lingering pain in the back of my head let me know I was still there, the blood on my hands, in a brighter shade of red, a proof that oxygen was still running through my veins, a witness to my existence.

But why didn’t it feel like that? Why did it feel like the part that used to be me died the night I saw Remus hanging lifeless from the chandelier?

I got up and went back to my room, I had to wash the blood from my hair before I went down to the others. I turned on the faucet and waited for the water to get warm, then put my head under it. It stung as the water hit the wound on my head, and while I could have easily used magic, I deserved it.

I deserved every pain that happened to me.

I used magic to heal the wound completely and a drying charm on my hair. I made my way downstairs and as I snuck past Walburga’s portrait, I heard the soft music coming from the living room.

I took the last few steps and went into the kitchen, had it been lively for the last few weeks, now there was only a single plate filled with food, a carafe of pumpkin juice and a pot of tea on the table. I frowned and followed the music into the living room.

Sirius sat in one of the wing chairs, his usual glass of firewhisky in hand but when he saw me he looked up.

„I heard you scream, what happened?“ he asked.

„Where are the others?“ I crossed my arms over my chest and looked at him.

„Is the door still intact?“

„Yes. Where are the others?“, I rolled my eyes at him.

„Back at the Burrow as planned, getting everything ready for the wedding,“ he said dryly, taking a sip of his drink.

„And Fred?“

„Him too.“, I nodded but didn’t let on that I was hurt that Fred left without telling me.

I stood there, still on the doorstep, watching Sirius intently while another song started playing.

Sometimes I get the feelin‘, I was back in the old days long ago.                                                     When we were kids when we were young.   Things seemed so perfect – you know

And before I could say something Sirius took his wand and with a flick of it the old gramophone exploded. I ducked and held my arms protectively over my head. I turned back to him, mouth open widely. It was their song and I knew it.

„Don’t say anything!“ Sirius pointed his wand at me but quickly noticed my anxious expression.

„I’m sorry.“, he lowered his wand and hung his head. I took long strides towards him, took the glass from his hand and wrapped my arms around his neck as I crawled onto his lap.

He hesitated for a moment before hugging me back and burying his face in my neck.

And so we sat there, in the living room of Grimmauld Place, holding each other tightly as the dam broke and our tears flowed.


Narrator

When the Weasley‘s and the other Order members arrived at Grimmauld Place to plan Harry’s arrival, none of them expected to see Sirius and Penny asleep on the armchair.