Chapitre Dix

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 All of a sudden, this boy stopped crying in my arms and sat up straight, staring at my face. Then he rushed at me, face to face, just in time to exchange a glance of foolishness for a moment before our eyes closed. But that glance soon almost disappeared because his actions surprised me enough to fully open my eyes. However, I closed my eyes again to feel what happened after that, something that I had always dreamt of but never expected to happen then. His lips were pressed firmly to mine! They were soft, warm lips, and a feeling of real happiness that formed a mass pressing mightily to my lips. I was feeling it! I was enjoying it! With my eyes half-closed, I could still feel every single tubercle of Mer at every second. Although it was just a gentle kiss, it made a strong impact on my mind. Time seemed to stand still at that moment. I didn't know whether God felt pity for my affection for Mer or my illusion made every tick of the wall clock slow down. They all seemed to help me feel that kiss, which was not so intense, in the maximum and madest way with as much immersion and enchantment as possible. His lips were so aromatic and attractive, totally different from anyone else's or what I had heard from my friends. It even captivated me for a moment, making my eyes close, and my soul completely was in harmony with Mer's action that I forgot everything, ignored all thoughts in my heart, and got rid of all the chaos in my mind. My dream had come true, but was this the truth I wanted? There was something reluctant: The subconscious that remained in my mind had successfully retained a bit of will and strength for this foolish-because-of-love body to strongly resist, rejecting what I most wished for. Although it was a bit regretful and hard for me, I still had to do it! The important thing was Mer, not me or that stupid feeling.


"No!" I said sharply.


 I bluntly pushed him away, but he hurriedly took my hand. He pleaded with me in a brittle voice, which was like cutting my heart - the heart that was already squeezed because of him: "I beg you! Kiss me! Just tell me I'm not a normal boy... I'm not..."

"Idiot! You know you're not gay!" I screamed like a madman, "Even if no one in the world accepts you, you cannot deny it!"


 My eyes turned red, and my facial muscles were wrinkled. Would I regret this action in the future? Anyway, if I chose to love Mer, I must love him in the right way, not the selfish one!


"But then what should I live for?" Mer said in a choked, sobbing voice, "Boys don't consider me to be a part of them, and girls don't accept me either. Moreover, I know that even a lot of gays don't like people who speak effeminately like me. Can you tell me how to live like that? Who will let me live like that?"


 Who would let you live like that? You had to give yourself that chance! I wanted to have you, but seeing you happy was still what I desired most. Please, I begged you. If you couldn't let me love you, please love yourself!


 I thought so, but I couldn't speak up. How to say that in this situation? I could only quietly let him do whatever he wanted to do. Then, a voice appeared in my head: "Fleuve, you are such a coward!"


"I am not a coward. I respect him."

"

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