The Gilded Cage - Accepting My Place

Trapped

"What is going on here, Mum? Why is the house for sale?" I demanded, as soon as we were inside the house, and mum risked removing the pacifier again, whilst dad was still fetching the suitcases inside. I was ignoring the full diaper between my legs, because the conversation I had overheard in the car and then the estate agent's board in the garden had stunned me. I did not want to think about how diaper dependent I already was. Not at that particular moment in time at any rate. Something much more important seemed to be going on. "Mum? I don't understand what is going on here?"

"Your father has a new job, dear." She said, whilst unbuttoning my coat, all smiles, as if it was not a problem at all. I was just standing there, not even trying to do it for myself, because I had been trained to expect being looked after, but I was also horrified by the for-sale board I had just spotted in the front garden, and I did not understand what they had been saying in the car, or why no one had told me anything. "It's such a brilliant opportunity for him...for us...so much more money, relocation expenses, and some help with a new mortgage for a much bigger house...and the best thing is that we will be much closer to you..."

"Elizabeth...don't spoil her," Dad growled, struggling in through the front door, giving me a stern look when he realised that I was unsilenced. "Remember what we said? Don't let her twist you around her little finger? We have to keep her under discipline, or we will undo all the good work done so far!"

"What new job?" I asked, looking from one of them to the other, not backing down, despite his tone. Dad had moved mum from Kent for a new job, the year I left school and went off to university, just eighteen short months before. That had been a real wrench for her, because all of her best friends were in Maidstone and the surrounding area, but he said that it was too good an opportunity to miss then, too. It was, I suppose, one of the reasons we had grown apart, a little bit, because their new house was not my home. I mean, we still talked a lot, on the phone or the computer, and I still loved them both, obviously, but I would have gone back to Kent a lot more than I had ever gone to the new place. But mum had done well, making new friends in Cambridge, and getting involved in the village they settled in, and it was cruel to make her move again, I thought. "And how much closer? What about all mum's friends...again? It's so unfair of you to keep moving her away from everywhere she knows?"

"We already have lots of new friends there...and we will be closer to you...Elizabeth is all for it, aren't you love?" Dad said, as he shut the front door, still not happy with me.

"Absolutely...Helen and Colin have been very kind...I can't wait to get down there..."

"Helen and Colin? What have they got to do with you moving?" I demanded, feeling the ground shifting between my feet again and not understanding why.

"We're moving to Meadvale, darling." Mum informed me, just like that, as dad moved closer and took a firm hold on my hand, as if he would never let it go. "Dad is going to be the Director of Finance at your school, amongst other responsibilities...and we will have a brand-new house on the edge of the grounds...it's all well and good talking about your new family, but we are still your parents, and we want to be part of your new life too...and this is the perfect way to do that...I want to be right there to help you make the best of yourself in Meadvale? We can't expert poor Helen to do it all on her own...you are still my baby girl?"

"But..."

"But nothing young lady...now, you finish messing that diaper and your mother can get you changed and ready for some tea. We've formally joined the church as well, obviously...we've taken our own vows...it's a job requirement for me now anyway, but we wanted to join after Christmas...and now we can really help you keep your vows and take advantage of your own opportunities." Dad said, as mum put the pacifier back again, straight into my open mouth, and took hold of my other still shaking hand, putting me firmly back under discipline. I had been intending to insist that they treated me normally at home, but they had shocked that particular wind right out of my sails. If they had joined the church, if they were really serious about it, I would be leaving them if I decided to break my promises. And selling the house seemed pretty serious to me, as did resigning from his current job as Financial Director of a big building firm in Cambridge. I spent the next two days in a complete daze, on automatic pilot, stunned into a stupor I just could not shake off. Mum treated me like a nursling the whole time, and I let her do it, because I did not know what else to do. I know it is a cliché. I know I have said it before as my story unfolds. But my life really was becoming a total nightmare and I seemed powerless to do anything about it. I could not resist them; I could not challenge the rules.