The Gilded Cage - Accepting My Place

Moral Dilemmas

"She can sleep with me tonight...which is going to feel very weird...but she is so upset, she will keep the other girls awake," Annie sighed as she tucked her duvet around Camilla. I nodded and frowned, because Karen/Camilla was distraught, and completely inconsolable. Making her mother feed her, and then mess her, had been unnecessarily cruel, and Karen had resisted the torture, which had not impressed her aunt at all, of course. But it was what happened next that shocked me. Mrs Ellesmere had insisted that Madeleine Davenport should spank her errant daughter. Mama and I were not asked our opinions, not that I expected that I would be included in the discussion, and Madeleine had complied, like a robot, expressionless and still silenced by the bridle thing. I had watched it all like a nightmare, as had Helen, but I had behaved, of course. Because I was a maiden and under discipline myself, and because I knew why Mama was not saying anything to stop the madness. "Do you agree?"

"Yes, Nanny." And Madeleine had not held back. I had paddled enough girls in my time to know, and she had really hurt her daughter. I was still shocked by the memory, because it had been brutal to watch and so disturbing. And Camilla was still traumatised, clearly. "It is not up to me, obviously, but I think Camilla would prefer to be with you, Nanny?"

"You can wear that dress to dinner." Annie said, nodding her agreement. Camilla would be happier with her.

"Yes, Nanny." I replied, chewing my bottom lip, not sure what else to say.

"This is wrong Hermione...so very wrong?" Annie sighed, glaring at me, as if daring me to disagree with her. She was angry. I could see that, and understand it, but my instincts told me that it was not something I ought to discuss in my current position. Colin Montague was badly compromised, caught between his career, and his corporate future, and his conscience. I could see how hard it was for him, in that awkward position. As a family, we needed to be careful how we reacted to what Camilla had suffered, and what Mama and I had seen and heard.

"Yes, Nanny."

"Her mother paddled her?" Annie asked, seeking confirmation, as we had not told her what had happened in any detail. Mama had sent Camilla and me up to Nanny whilst she talked to Papa on the phone.

"Yes, Nanny."

"After feeding and messing her?"

"Yes, Nanny."

"What the actual fuck, Hermione?" Annie shook her head, and took my arm, pulling me out of her room and out onto the nursery landing where Karen would not be able to hear us. "Is this your perfect community? Is this something you really want to be a part of? And don't just say 'Yes Nanny' please, or I think I might scream!"

"It is not for me to question Mrs Ellesmere's decisions, Nanny." I said, awkwardly.

"Yeah...well, your mother has fed and messed you plenty of times, of course."

"Yes, Nanny." I replied, because that was true. But it was different, and we both knew it. I had chosen to take my vows. I was there because I wanted to be there. And any punishments I had endured since had been accepted, in the end, because I had deserved them, and I had never had a beating like the one Madeleine Ellesmere gave her daughter.

"Was her mother under discipline?" Annie demanded, still gripping my arm.

"Yes, Nanny...very much so." I replied, as bothered by that fact as Annie was. "She was wearing some sort of facemask...Mrs Ellesmere called it a modesty bridle? It looked much worse than a pacifier?"

"She must be in her late thirties, Hermione?"

"Yes, Nanny."

"I'd rather go to jail, if it was me." Annie sighed, letting me go, clearly exasperated by my responses as well as what had happened to poor Camilla. "You had better go downstairs for dinner...I'll see you tomorrow."