Self Inflicted

16

I think I ran for most of the night, praying they wouldn't find me. I've been walking aimlessly for awhile, not finding anything. The only thing I've seen is a road sign saying there is a college a mile or so ahead. That was about 15 minutes ago, which means I've got another 10 before I get to the college. Maybe I'll find something useful there, a car, some food, water. Anything would help.

The Georgia sun is beating down on my sweat-drenched body. I'm sulking, not walking. My feet scuff the road as I go and I feel like one of the dead. I haven't seen any dead for an hour or so, so all of the blood I have splattered down my abdomen is dry. My shirt is still ripped down the center and I could care less, it's too hot to care. I take the two sides and tie them together in the front, somewhat covering my front side.

Just past some trees I can see a few buildings and i veer off to my left to go inside. Instead of going in the front, I walk around the back and as I'm rounding the corner I hear voices and stop abruptly. My heart starts beating quickly and suddenly I feel like I could run a marathon. I slowly peer around the side of a brick building and listen to the voices, three men and a woman. The closer I listen, the more familiar the voices get.

"We have our route, let's get going," it's Michonne. I smile and tears well in my eyes, I don't think I've ever been more excited to see them. I shuffle out from behind my wall and walk a few feet toward the four of them standing around the car. When they hear me, they snap around with weapons raised. I lock eyes with Daryl and he blinks a few times and huffs, dropping his crossbow. Michonne puts her sword away and smiles sorely. I jog forward and run into Michonne's open arms. She holds me tightly and I can hear her quivering.

"What happened to you?" She breathlessly asks and pushes me away, holding me in her outstretched arms.

"It's not important," I nod with tears in my eyes. Something about the comfort of Michonne and my family, just made me start to break down.

"Let's get you home." I'm glad she didn't press anymore, I didn't want to talk about what happened. And if I tell her what happened, I have to tell her why it bothered me. I haven't told anyone about that in a long time. We climb into the dusty van and as we do I make eye contact with Daryl again. I can't tell what he's thinking. His eyes are running wild and he almost seems mad, mad at me maybe. I don't have the energy to deal with it right now.

-

On the way back to the prison, they fill me in on what's been going on at the prison. The virus that is spreading and killing people. They said I'm at risk now since I'm in the car with them, but I don't care right now. We pull through the prison gates and park the van outside the cell blocks. Tyreese, Michonne, and Bob rush to get meds into people but Daryl stays back. We climb out of the car and he doesn't look at me but he still stands there.

He faces the cell blocks and stares at the ground. I can feel the anger radiating off of his tough figure. "Spit it out," I snap in anticipation. His eyes finally meet mine and his jaw is clenched.

"The hell happened to you?" He growls and throws his arm in my direction, referring to my torn shirt.

"Ran into some unfriendly men," I choke out and his expression tightens.

"Did they...?"

"Rape me?" now he's avoiding my eyes again. "No, but he tried."

"Mm," he grunts in response. That's all he can muster I suppose.

"That's it? That's all I get?" I throw my hands up in frustration.

"What do you want from me, woman?" He shouts and stomps up to me, his face in mine.

"I want you to admit you give a shit!"

"I don't give a shit about anybody," he throws his hand out to the side in anger.

"No, you do! And the longer you ignore it the more it'll hurt!" I point my finger at his chest that is inches away from my face.

"If you weren't so stupid none of this would've happened!" he continues to growl in my face.

"Maybe this time, but not the first time," I whisper. His eyebrows furrow and he takes a step back. He doesn't even try to say anything, at least not when I have him the chance. I stormed off into the cell block in search of some food and then to go lay down.

I'm exhausted and arguing with Daryl makes everything worse, it always does. He exhausts me and I can't do it. But I keep doing it. I keep coming back. I care what he says and I care what he thinks, I hate it. I grab something quick to eat and change my shirt into another tank top, throwing the other one in the corner of my cell. Laying down, I face the wall and pull the blanket over my dirt-caked body. There's a small knock on my doorframe and I don't look to see who it is, I don't want to talk to anyone.

"Hey," Maggie calls quietly. She sits down beside me and brushes her dark brown hair behind her ear. "I heard what happened, are you okay?" I nod my head slowly but still don't turn around to face her. "If you want to talk about it, I'm here."

"Thanks Maggie, but I really don't want to talk," I reply dryly. She lays a hand on my shoulder and then gets up and leaves me to my thoughts.

I know I need to be strong, I have to be. I can't let things get to me or I'm one step closer to death. But what I experienced tonight wasn't even half of what I experienced before things went to hell. My fiancé at the time wasn't much different than Len, he just wasn't sure what no meant. I was trying to save myself and eventually that wasn't enough for him. I wasn't enough. So he took everything from me. He took every single last ounce of love for myself. All of those feelings and memories just came flooding back. So, for tonight, I'm taking the time to cry myself to sleep. I'm taking the time to mourn who I was. I'm not mourning the time before the world ended, I'm mourning myself before I met him. I have to take just tonight, because today could be our last day to feel safe. Today could be our last day on earth.