On Your Knees

my mental health is getting worse (not a chapter)

(you can skip this chapter if you want to. I am also talking about sensitive things concerning mental health like suicide so please leave if that makes you uncomfortable in any way shape or form!)

So I haven't written a lot, which is a bummer.
My mental health is getting even worse than it was last year.
I was recently commited to a psychiatric hospital for a suicide attempt that landed me in the hospital for about 4 days.
Two days in the ordinary and another two days in the psychiatric one.
I had taken a lot of pills in hopes of poisoning myself, so they had to water out my blood and empty my stomach.
I barfed the whole afternoon while almost passing out. I slept while doctors were busy running around me and sticking me with needles.

After that I was removed from the ordinary to the psychiatric hospital. And i didn't like it, I was forcefully commited of course.

Now it's probably not a suprise that a person who writes fiction like this isn't completely right in the head.

However I'm writing this for the people who are struggling like me. If someone, at least one person sees it and is contemplating killing themselves.
Think about how awful it would be to fail and then get put in a psych hospital. (Luckily I wasn't there for long) And after that also think about how awful it would be to actually die, you never know whether you'll be burned in hell for the rest of eternity or not.

The doctor thinks I'm struggling with depression, which is simply not the case. He thinks I'm sad for the whole time. But I'm not sad all the time.

He's rude tbh, he kept guilt tripping me and asking me if I was a bad person because I wanted to hurt my mom by killing myself.
But he doesn't seem to get that it's hard dealing with my mood. I go from being the best most euphoric person in the world to hitting myself and wanting to die. And this happens in so short notice that I don't even get the time to use my logic.
I was simply tired, tired of thinking I was cured and amazing just to hit rock bottom even harder than I did before. It is constantly a cycle that reminds me how I'm never going to get better.
And then I was told that I should be punished for my suicide attempt.
Haha, a nice punishment would perhaps be the death penalty or something😂. (Bad joke)

But I'll write something next week after I go back to the psychiatric hospital for an evaluation. I might also use this title again so if you see this title again it'll actually be a real chapter and not an author's note.

But my point was that, although you sometimes allow the mental illness to choose and think. And perhaps you don't even have the time to think clearly when you're very down.

Just please do not kill yourself, expecially not on a whim. Killing yourself can make you physically disabled or chronically ill for the rest of your life. You can also suffer chronic pain and loose your memory if the damages were big.

I know I shouldn't be talking much 🤣 but I mean it.
It seems great at the moment, but it'll also hurt a lot.

But last but not least, I do not blame you for wanting to kill yourself. Fighting mental illness can be so very hard. So despite what someone tells you, you're not evil, you're not mean, you shouldn't be punished for it.

I am just very sorry that you were experiencing so much pain that death sounded like a better option.

This is a link for a website where every suicide hotline is written.

https://www.opencounseling.com/suicide-hotlines

I know maybe people don't care, so I I'm sorry I took your time, I'll start writing for real. And more consistent.

But for the people who read it and actually cared, thank you very much ❤️❤️♥️♥️