Amentia

Chapter 3 - Not enough roots

Manila, Philippines.

Zoe was always the first of the family to wake up, always up at the crack of dawn before the dew even had time to dry. She liked the quiet that came with it, that brief period of time when life hadn't started yet and she could pretend she felt happier than she actually was. She opened the window to let the humidity in before it could turn into the usual heavy smoke as people began their movements of the day. Her plants really needed it, and she wished she could give them the proper amount instead of just the bare minimum, but her small bedroom wasn't exactly fit to be a greenhouse. Still, she did the best she could under the conditions in which she lived and the plants knew and appreciated that. She checked on each and every pot, rubbing leaves between her fingers, touching stems and seeds to see if they were in good conditions and growing properly, removing the earth to make sure it was wet and moist in the right amounts depending on the needs of each type of plant. Zoe had as many as fifteen pots scattered around shelves and corners of her room, though the variety was scarce because it was difficult to find plants that were comfortable living indoors; as much as she wanted more variety of shapes, sizes and colors, it would be cruel to force them to live in unpleasant and stressful conditions just so she could enjoy their company for a little while.

She watered the plants that needed it, talked to others in soothing tones, and asked them how they were feeling, if they needed more sunlight or more shade today and if they were comfortable in their current pots. She tended to the plants that were having a tough time, removing the dry leaves and caressing the stems to provide some affection. Zoe's touch was delicate and effective, and all the plants thanked her in their own way: some opened the blossoms a tiny bit more, others caressed Zoe's hand back with their flexible branches, or they simply grew brighter just for her delight.

By the time she finished the morning check-up of her babies, the sun was up in the sky and both the house and the city had begun making their usual noise. She closed the window before leaving the room. In the kitchen, her mom was almost done making breakfast while her baby sister ran around making a ruckus and her dad read the newspaper by the table. Zoe sat across from her father, who said good morning and returned his attention to the article he was reading. As she'd done every morning for the past week, she side-eyed the small piece of paper stuck to the refrigerator and sighed discretely. It wasn't long now until the arranged date... she just hoped this man would at least not be gross and touchy like the last one. But there was no way to get out of it, so she would again have to put on a brave face for her mom's sake. At least in two days it would be over and she could return to being the family disappointment in peace.

After she had a full stomach, Zoe said goodbye to her family and left the house. A block away, she got on a jeepney and slithered her way through the people to find a small spot near a window to at least get a bit of a breeze during the trip. The noise, the human heat, the heavy air... it was all so much, so unpleasant. With every breath she took she could feel the poisoned oxygen filling up her lungs and hurting her. Today she was feeling especially smothered, so she decided to get off the jeepney early and walk the rest of the way. Obviously outside of the vehicle was just as awful as inside, but at least she didn't have other people sweating over her now. So she made her painful way to work, dodging people and carts, feeling the hot cement under her shoes and wishing once again that her life was different and the ground wasn't so important to her.

Isn't it such a cliché to be in your twenties and dream the impossible dream of moving far away? Sadly, Zoe lived every day thinking about it. She had been for most of her life. Manila was a jungle, but not the kind of jungle Zoe wished it was. There were too many people, too many buildings, and very little green. It was like she had been born in her own version of hell, like God had had a personal dislike for her and had decided to put her there specifically to make her miserable. Like all big cities, Manila had its benefits, but mostly it just made Zoe feel like she lived in a constant state of asphyxia, and it wasn't only due to the air pollution. The suffocation came from a different place for Zoe; it was something inside her, something in the very core of her being. There was too much concrete and plastic and not enough earth; too many pipes and wires and not enough roots.

When she arrived at work, a tiny piece of her soul returned to her body, as it happened every day. Tending to the plants at Paco Park was the only thing keeping her alive and more or less sane. The world only made sense when she stood among the trees and grass; the rest of the time, it was all blurry and foreign. Most of the time, people seemed strange to her, far away. Over time, she had learned to socially engage with them, but it was a forced habit. Sometimes she looked at someone's face and couldn't even discern the emotions painted on them; people were complicated concepts that just seemed to escape her. But then she sat on the grass, put her hand on it, and immediately knew in what conditions it was and how to make it feel better. It wasn't a pleasant way to live, so every day she dreamed of a way out of it, though with very little hope of actually finding it.

That's why she thought she was hallucinating when she saw a bright white light shaped like a thin diamond while she was trimming some hedges. She suddenly had a flashback to one afternoon when she was five years old and had seen a similar light floating under the shade of a Katmon tree at the Manila Zoo when she was visiting with her mother. At the time, her mother had dismissed Zoe's exclaims as a child's fancy and pulled her away from the light by the hand. Zoe had watched the light waver and finally disappear once she was far enough away from it. She had spent weeks sad about the incident, but eventually forgot about it as she grew up, even came to think it actually had been her imagination like her mom had said because she'd never seen the light again.

She thought it wouldn't do any harm to check if this was a hallucination or not, just for her peace of mind. She walked over to the tree where the light was. It seemed to be placed inside the trunk, as if opening it in half, except you couldn't actually see anything through it. And it whispered, although it didn't seem to be actually saying anything. Zoe found herself breathing hard, sure that this was real, that it had been real that time as a child too. Except this time there was a stronger pull from it, like it could move on its own and swallow her even if she decided to walk away. There was a sense of urgency vibrating off of it. Zoe was glad to respond. And her mother wasn't there to interrupt and keep her from walking towards it this time. She was alone in that patch of garden, not even her coworkers were there, and the park wasn't yet open to the public. So she dropped the shears she'd been using and stretched her arm towards the light as she took a step forward.

The light took her in a warm embrace and she gladly disappeared from a world that had never suited her or treated her fairly.