She would persevere

Chapter 18

There's a big black hole where my heart used to be
And I've tried my best to fill it up with things I don't need
It don't work like that, no, it's not easy
To fill this gap that you left in me

Have you ever had those moments where you continuously contemplate your life and the decisions you've made?
I was currently in Kiel's bed without him.
He was away for his work. A doctor never sleeps I guess.
But that didn't stop the nightmares. That didn't stop the horrid memories I had that played on a loop in my mind.
Continuous loop. Over and over.
The slashings. The beatings. Hanging limp from the wall.
It kept me up. Kept me awake.

Did I deserve it? Did I deserve any of it?

Was I really that horrible of a person? Of a human being that I had to be subjected to all that hate and pain? All that rage and suffering?

Why me?
What had I ever done for them to turn their back on me?
What had I ever done that was so wrong?
Why did they never believe me?
Why did they always believe her?
Why was I not good enough?
Why would I never be good enough?

Tears were running down my face as I silently sobbed in Kiel's bed. His scent does nothing to calm me down. I needed a life line. I needed someone to hold on to me. To order me to not let go. Cause if I let go... I would no longer be actually living. I needed someone to tell me I was worth enough. To tell me that there was a reason for me being in this world. To not give up.

But with the plagues of my memories, it was just hard sometimes. Especially when the people in your corner aren't there. And the people present don't officially give two shits about you.

I needed help. Dr. Cavalli.
I had his number in my phone. Even his emergency number.
Call him. Should I?
Was he someone in my corner? Maman paid him to be, right?

Noah. Down the hall. Go to him
But would he let me?
Before my mind spiralled completely, the door opened.
In walked the person who I had to be strong for. Teddy.
I wasn't the only one with a bad night. Teddy didn't say anything.
He simply climbed onto bed, under the covers and held onto me as if I was his lifeline.
I wrapped my arms around him, the way I needed it around me.
I may not have a lifeline right now, but he does. I may not be able to sleep with the shadows haunting and taunting my mind with demons but he does.
And so I stayed awake.

The rest of the night. Protecting Teddy from the dark as it started to consume me. As it started to taint my mind like it had done years ago.
I just hope that someone will hear me scream this time around. Before it would truly be too late.

The week was even more painful for me. My mind kept slipping back to the memories. I didn't have these moments often back home. And if I did, Riri was there for me. Riri always knew the signs that my body would give before my episodes started and was always able to stop me beforehand. I couldn't make it stop.

It wouldn't stop. The world around me disappears.  I'm back there. Back in hell.
'You are a disappointment.'
No one noticed my mind flipping out. No one could hear me screaming. No one but me. I felt a hand on my arm and everything started to become clear to me.

"Are you listening, Adelaide?" Kath asked me. She unknowingly saved me. Brought me back.
"Sorry, I was somewhere else for a moment. What did you say?" I smiled at her, hoping she wouldn't see through the facade I had on currently.

"The party next week at Taylor's. Are you going as well?" A party. A way for me to block my mind for a night. That could work. Loud music always centred me. Made my mind unable to focus on bad memories.
"Totally! Can't miss out on loud music and cheap alcohol, right?" I laughed.
"Yes! Everyone is going! I can't wait, I'm so excited! I'm happy it's happening next week though and not this weekend." Kath's eyes lit up. She was thrilled.
"Why not this weekend?" I was confused. Was there something else this weekend?