She would persevere

Chapter 39

World, I want to leave you better
I want my life to matter
I am afraid I have no purpose here
I watch the news on TV
Abandon myself daily
I am afraid to let you see the real me
You're not alone in all this
You're not alone, I promise
Standing together we can do anything
You're not alone in all this
You're not alone, I promise
Standing together we can do anything

Nurturing a cup of tea, I looked out of the window. It was raining softly. The sky watering the plants and trees around us before the sun would shine down upon them.
"How is art class going for you?" I asked her.
"It is going alright. I have a perfect canvas outside to paint, which takes my mind off things."
I nodded my head looking back at her.
"That's good to hear." I said while I placed my rook further down the board.
"Check."
"You have put me in a predicament." She contemplated before making another move.
"Thank you for visiting me. I never thought that you would."
"Neither did I." I looked at her.

"I will not apologise." She answered, looking me straight in the eye. I did not come here to be riled up, woman!
"Please listen. No apology I will ever give will be enough. You apologise when you've made a mistake, a small error. I have not done any of that. What I have done is too much to simply apologise for. You don't need my apology and I do not deserve forgiveness. I have to live with the consequences of my actions even when my actions have been caused by the source of my illness. Doctor Sam has been a very patient man and I have to thank you Adelaide, for subjecting me to this. I still have a long long road to go. But even with all the horrid things I had done to you, you have given me something no one ever has. A chance to get better. My mother never saw anything wrong with me. In fact, she fed the disease with her words, making it look like there was nothing wrong with me, that everything was right, that the way I lived was the right way. Instead of getting me the help I truly needed. In fact, you are the only one that had seen through it all and because I was found guilty, was able to get the help I needed. God knows I do not deserve it. Any of it. I deserve to be six feet under for what I have done. So no, I will not apologise, but hopefully show you that the efforts you have put in will not be in vain."

"You have come a long way, Candace."
"And a longer way still awaits. But enough about me. If my notation is correct, you are graduating tomorrow. Have you prepared your speech?"
I nodded. "Yes, but... It's kind of a standard congratulatory speech, for some reason I can't put myself in it. I also still have a long road ahead of me. I am still too broken."

"Sometimes you have to tear yourself down, to be built back up again."
I looked at her. "Really? Your advice is the lyrics of a song?"
Candace just shrugged her shoulders.

"You have come a long way, love. You have an army of support behind you that you can always fall back on and someone who loves you so much, they are willing to wait a lifetime just to hold you in their arms. Rebecca sent me this picture, when I had sent you the letter. It just shows how much you are loved and cared for. So who cares if you still feel broken? You can always reinvent yourself with them around."
The picture she gave was of me in the hospital, mere days after I had attempted to end my life. The first actual genuine smile that I knew I could survive. It made me smile. Wiping away a small tear, I gave the picture back to Candace.

"Drink up your tea, it is getting cold. With that said, checkmate." She said smugly.
"Well... I did not expect that."
"Thank you for coming, Adelaide. Of all the wrong things I have done in my life, I can at least be proud I did something good." She smiled at me.
"What is that?"
"I gave birth to a fighter. I gave birth to a survivor. Tell Rebecca I said thank you. Thank you for being the mother to an amazing person that I failed to see." We stood up and hugged.