She would persevere

Chapter 38

But I'm only human
And I bleed when I fall down
I'm only human
And I crash and I break down
Your words in my head, knives in my heart
You build me up and then I fall apart
'Cause I'm only human

It has been four days. Four days of me in silent mode. Four days of me unmoving simply staring aimlessly through the window. I heard soft noise in the background, but it wasn't loud enough to talk over the voices. The demons in my mind, the ones that don't leave me alone. I feel hands on top of my head, down my arms towards my hands but I can't seem to move, as if I was frozen in time.
Paralysed. 
Why?
Just why?
Why did they not believe me? Why did they think I was lying? Why couldn't they just accept that they were wrong? That their precious little princess is nothing more than an ugly demonic bitch. Everything kept going on repeat in my head. The memories, the voices, the demons.
I was sinking. I was unable to breathe. I was locked up in a cage of fear and anxiety. How I longed to feel something again. I was cold. But I wasn't.
I was numb.

"I know you don't feel like eating, but please have some soup. I made your favourite, garbure, I'll heat some up for you, alright?" Mama said before she kissed my head and left the room.
Without turning and without letting my gaze leave the window. "I'm sorry." I croaked out.

"Don't. Please don't ever apologise to me, Dells. There is no reason for you to." He murmured softly, whilst caressing my hair.
"I almost killed myself. I don't know what happened. One minute I'm yelling at them and the next... the voices just became too much. I wanted it all to stop. I needed it to be quiet. It just all became too much."

Lemuel said nothing when I whispered it all out. The expressions on his face didn't change, he never stopped petting my head. He was just there, to listen, to talk if needed, to give warmth. He expected nothing from me in return. That did something to my heart.

"They chose her. They chose her over me. After everything that happened, I'm still not enough for them to love me. I will never be enough for them, but why can't I let go. Why can I not just leave them as they have me? I am so selfish. I have you and Kiel, but still I want more, why?"
Lemuel sighed out but kept a soft smile on his face.

"Sweetheart, it is only natural to want their care and love and attention. Especially Noah's. From the moment you were born he did everything for you. He fed you, changed your diapers, even went as far as to get out of bed in the middle of the night if you needed a cuddle. No-o was your first word, did you know that? Noah did everything for you, he had been your dad for all intents and purposes. That is why this lays so heavy on your heart. Noah turning his back on you feels like betrayal. And the fact that you still desire his attention even after all of that is because you still love him. Your love for him stems from the time you were happy. Your heart and mind link Noah to the happiest times in your memory, before Candace took it all away. Don't ever think that there is something wrong with you for not being able to want to let that go. You will be able to let it go once you have found something that makes you even happier. But your heart will never forget the way Noah made you feel."
My gaze slowly went from the window to Lemuel.

"I am broken. I am defeated and shattered and I don't know how to get back from that."
"One day at a time. And both me and Zeke will be there every step of the way. And it's okay to fall down as long as you are able to get back up, with or without help."
Compartmentalising Lee's words I came to one thought process that I hated myself for. "You guys can't stay with me." Lee looked at me confused.
"I would be breaking up the family. I can't have that. I don't want that. If you choose to help me, your relationship with dad and the rest will strain even more, I can't have that, I can't let you do that!"

"Us choosing to help you, is not breaking up the family. Dad, Ezra and Noah have always been a trio. James and Aquila are the same as Zeke and I, a duo. At the end of the day we are a family, but we have been separate from each other for years and that formation started before you were sent away.
Also, James and Aquila are going to college at the end of the summer and Nick asked me to move in with him, so I'm probably going to do that soon." He ended with a smile.
"And Silas... Well he and dad had a falling out years ago and he decided he no longer wanted to be around him anymore and moved to our other family members in Italy. Silas wanted to have minimal to no contact with any of us for some reason. That's the reason you only saw him once when you came to L.A. and haven't seen him since."
I simply nodded my head.