A Certain Romance || Ashton Irwin

I Love You

Ashton 3:45 pm: Why did you leave?

Ashton 3:45 pm: What's wrong? You were acting funny last night. Did I do something wrong?

Ashton 3:47 pm: If you aren't okay with last night then you can murder me. I'm sorry.

Ashton 3:50 pm: You left and I had something really important to tell you so I guess I'll just tell you through text even though seeing your reaction in person was what I wanted.

Ashton 3:52 pm: I broke up with Veronica during the boat ride. I want to be with you and I'm willing to hurt whoever is in the way of being with you. I love you and I hope I hear back from you soon.

Sage 4:00 pm: Ok

January 2nd came and I still felt as shitty as I did the day before. I stuffed my face with cake frosting, powdered donuts, Hershey's kisses, and anything else that I could find in the house. Arrie also offered to go to the grocery store and buy me other sweets. I accepted and that was how I ended up Dutch Chocolate ice cream, a variety of skittles, and sodas that I knew I didn't need to drink.

I was starting to pin point the exact reason of this shitty feeling. There was guilt, there was regret, there was a release in my stomach that said finally, Ashton and I could be together, but I technically cheated on Sammy. Not technically. I did cheat on her. Many, many times in such a short span of time. My regrets came when I realized that nothing was different after hooking up with Ashton. For a second, I might have thought that we were going to jump right into a relationship with each other the second something more intimate happened between us, but that was the soft and lonely teenager speaking inside of me. She was wrong.

Later in the evening, as I reread the texts he sent me, I felt an instant growth of happiness, but I only shot myself down when I told myself he was likely only telling me what I wanted to hear. It had been so hard for him to break up with Veronica, so what made yesterday give him so much confidence? Nothing was making sense.

"You love him, don't you?" Arrie stood in my doorway, leaning against the frame as he watched me stuff my face. It seemed he had been waiting for awhile for me to notice his presence, but I was too stuck in a trance as I ate the junk food before me and listened to the random mixtape Ashton had made me a little after we had met.

"I don't know what you're talking about." I barely croaked as my throat was coated with layers of frosting. I stared at my window, the blinds and curtains closed because I couldn't be bothered with seeing into his room or getting proof that he was lying about leaving Veronica. I didn't think it was that simple, to just break up with Veronica on a boat in front of multiple people. She would go down with a fight. The last person that tried to break up with her, Markos Makos, was brought to tears himself because she decided that as soon as they graduated from high school they were going to get married. We were in the tenth grade at that time. He had to force his parents to send him away to military school for a year and half, so Veronica would forget about him and move on. It worked.

Arrie rolled his eyes. "Ashton." He sat down next to me, snatching the frosting from me and taking a scoop for himself. I was too upset to stop him. "What happened the other night when you disappeared?"

"Something stupid." Was all I said.

He knew what I was saying. "I've been there before. I think we all have once we've hit a specific age. I was at a really rocky point with my girlfriend back in Miami, holding onto the last bits of what we had, I was still a virgin at twenty, and I thought if I had sex with her she would see that I loved her and everything would fall back into place, everything feel normal and whatever was sitting on my chest would get up and let me breathe. I was wrong. So wrong. I gave such an important moment to someone that just wanted to take advantage of it and leave me. I look back now and I know that we didn't love each other, we were infatuated, obsessed with each other.

"I don't know too much about you and Ashton's situation because I'm sure it's a lot different on the inside than looks on the outside, so I won't judge. You might truly love him and he might truly love you back, but just be careful, please. I've seen you have way too many bad days over this guy and not as many good days. It's up to you to decide if it's really worth it."

I let Arrie's words sink in, repeating them over and over to myself until my brain felt as if they were permanently stuck. I couldn't remember an exact time where I was apprehensive towards having Arrie in my day to day life because he felt like such a unique and helpful piece in my life. Maybe there had always been a part of my being that knew I needed Arrie. He was a guardian angel of sorts, the person I could look up to when Sam wasn't around. I was thankful for him. People didn't land in your life on purpose, the came in accidentally to teach you lessons and allow you to grow and become smart. Perhaps, Arrie was in my life on purpose, but I believed he was with me to help me learn.

Arrie and I sat quietly, listening to the next songs that played on my iTunes playlist after Ashton's mixtape had ended. Neither of us said a word, we just sifted through all the goodies I had scattered on my bed and shared them. I had moments where I'd get sad again because I noticed how this could be Sam with me instead of Arrie, but I reminded myself to be happy that my brother was still alive even if he couldn't be with me right now.

Another storm began rolling through the city. The wind caused the tree by my window to tap its branches against the glass almost making me believe that Ashton was throwing rocks at my window to get my attention like he used to. The storm so bad, it began causing the lights in the house to flicker each time thunder and lightning roared through. The second floor of the house always vibrated with the thunder sounded and for the first time I found comfort in that. Arrie hummed to each song that played in between bites of junk food and I felt myself relaxing deeper and deeper, releasing the load of stress I had been holding.

Until.

"Sage? What are you doing?" Sienna marched into the room. I guess I was too caught in a daze to hear the front door open and close or hear her foot steps climb up the stairs with anger and negativity. "A boy in your bed, Sage? What makes you think this is okay?!"

I sighed, still looking forward.

Arrie stole a few snacks from the pile before seeing himself out of my room so Sienna wouldn't be so angry anymore. It was a shame she was back again. I thought her second time leaving would be the last time and I'd never have to see her again, I just kept being wrong about everything these days.

"And this food! I can't even call it that!" She picked up a box of cookies. "This junk is not good for your skin!"

"I'll tell you this once, Sienna." My gaze still focused ahead of me. "I'll say it as nicely as I possibly can. Go fuck yourself. I know about Motley Crue, I know about Smokey, Harper, Harley, the drugs, the arranged marriage. Now, please leave me alone."

I knew she opened her mouth to say something to me, but I was already turning my lamp off and turning on my side underneath my sheets to call it a night. She slowly left the room and I could see the hallway light disappear as she shut the door behind her. I was a few steps closer to getting my closure. Before I fell asleep, I grabbed my phone, sending off the most important text I knew I could send in my lifetime.

Sage 9:59 pm: I love you Ashton.

we are so shook