A Certain Romance || Ashton Irwin

Both Testicles

"I want one thousand words comparing a fictional character to someone you know in real life." Ms. Goodwin walked up and down each isle of desks, handing out the criteria to be followed for this assignment. My personal strategy; never follow the criteria. That worked out pretty well for me, resulting in many top of the class grades on papers. "Extra credit will be handed to those who write 400 more words contrasting that character to the person they know."

As other students began complaining about the assignment and shoving their criteria sheets in their backpacks to get lost and crumbled at the bottle, I started writing out possible fictional characters and possible real life people that I could compare, leaving the contrast to be focused on later. I got the feeling that this was one of those assignments that started out easy, but the further I would begin to envelope myself in it, it would become the most difficult thing I might do in my entire life.

Chuck Bass ------ Michael Clifford

Patrick Star ----- Luke Hemmings

Beavis and Butthead ----- Michael Clifford and Luke Hemmings

Johnny Bravo ----- Luke Hemmings

Squidward ----- Michael Clifford

Ron Swanson ----- Michael Clifford

With that quick brainstorming, I had no one to write about besides Luke and Michael because I really didn't talk to anyone else. I'd have to reevaluate my entire life to write this paper on individuals who were not as vain as my two best friends. They'd love nothing more than for me to write about them. They might even ask for a framed copy of the paper to show off to anyone who would entered their rooms.

"This assignment will be due the day before you guys leave for Thanksgiving break, so that gives you two weeks."

The bell rang. I loved to be one of the first people to power walk out of any classroom, but having one hand occupied by a mechanical baby meant that I now had to take my time packing up. So I waited for Luke to finish putting his stuff away, then handed him Lily. Elissa did not trust Luke to carefully watch their baby, so to make things easier and less stressful for herself she kept the baby when her and Luke couldn't be together. That meant Luke was jealous and sad and hadn't stopped trying to hog Lily to my advantage. Ashton had finally settled with the fact that he didn't want to have her during the first part of school days. He gave some excuse but I couldn't be bothered to listen to him talk after five minutes.

"Can I write about you, Sage?" Luke asked. Lily was in one hand and he held up his pocket mirror with the other, looking over his hair. Nodding to his reflection when he deemed his hair acceptable, he shut the mirror and stashed it away. I had always wondered what the deal with the pocket mirror was. What was the catch? Did a glance an hour give you a confidence boost? Did the feeling of cold metal get people off? There were some things only Luke could understand. "Comparing you to Tara Knowles?"

"I'm nothing like Tara." I took my pencil between my teeth as I filed my English papers in the correct folder, placing the folder in my backpack along with the pencil all while trying to walk to my next class.

"You kinda are when you actually think about it. You're helpless and weak and pretend to be strong by being faithful to those around you even though deep down, you're scared shitless of everyone." He handed me Lily.

No one ever wanted to be portrayed as "helpless and weak" not by anyone, especially not by one of their best friends. I didn't think I was "scared shitless of everyone" either. But the more I swam in the silence between Luke and I, I began to consider his words. I began to consider that he could be right; I was just another person in this world with a facade so manipulative my mother would be proud.

"Well, in that case, I'll write about you, comparing you to Half Sack. That's who you are, Luke. The one who's always being hazed and given the undesirable tasks that Michael and I don't want to do." I spoke harshly. "You're the prospective member in our friendship." As far as I was concerned it was a well-known fact that Luke was the prospective member in the Trifecta, he did the dirty work most of the time while getting teased for the most part, but we still appreciated him. If Michael and I wanted someone dead, we'd recruit Luke to fulfill the murder. If Michael was too lazy to clean his bedroom...Luke went over at whatever hour and cleaned the entire house. Luke just had a knack for cleaning honestly.

I pulled Lily to my chest and sped up turned the corner. It was another one of my day's where I just wanted the last word.

"Hey!" Luke shouted a few steps behind me. "I will have you know that I have both of my testicles!"

Everyone standing around in this specific wing of the school turned to Luke and began laughing. I didn't need to turn around to know that Luke was probably blushing, but that didn't keep me from stopping in place and cursing myself for taking part in causing Luke to embarrass himself yet another time.

I shot glares at everyone as I walked back to the blond boy, silencing each of them. "Sweetie, they're in a jar in your mom's bedroom." I grabbed his chin between my thumb and index finger, chuckling.

"Are they really?!" He exclaimed with a horrified look in his eyes.

"Metaphorically." I dropped my hold from his chin with sigh.

Liz was the only woman to take a huge part in Luke's life. Now that might've changed with Lily in the picture. She was not even real and he insisted on spoiling her.