Blank Canvas

vulnerability

TW: eating disorders, death of a loved one

Words. Where are the words? Words to a feeling that has haunted my existence since I learned what it meant. Words of vulnerability, sharing one's feelings they wish to hide to not feel shame.

But...if every person felt as though they were to be shamed for the things they've done, the people they've been with, or the things that they feel then what is the point? We would go insane if we didn't speak how we felt. 

If I put all of our emotions and fears into a mason jar, closed it up, and put a label on it saying "Do not touch", people would still touch, people would still poke. And eventually, all that physical strain on the emotion would say "I've had enough!" And the mason jar would break, and there would be nothing left to do but...feel. 

Why is it that when we feel something, we think that no one would care, everyone would laugh at the pain and the suffering we've felt? Because what, the pants we bought a year ago don't fit anymore? 

The food that we ate yesterday made our tummies so full we felt we couldn't eat for days, so we starved ourselves. That may be food is our comfort, and when things are bad it's the only thing that feels real, and safe, and wouldn't hurt us. Maybe it's the guilt of not eating, or eating too much. 

Maybe the pain we feel is isolating ourselves and feeling unworthy of finding friends because all they can seem to do is leave. Maybe a close loved one died and guilt washed over us because we couldn't do enough. 

There's pain. Brains wracked everything inside, trying to figure out all the possibilities on how we could make it better, but in reality, we can't. 

We can't fix broken things, we can't put a shattered mirror back together to make it whole, and that leaves us wrecked even more. We say "I can do it myself! I broke it, I can fix it!"

"My mind is tormenting me about it, so it's my problem, don't help me."

"I don't need help."

Such lies were told to yourself. Every word of "I don't need help." Is far from the truth. We need help, don't we? We need to feel secure in other people, we need to feel together in order to feel whole.

The numbness that won't go away, the stabbing pain from guilt, the knowing glares from others about our pants sizes. It's not worth bottling up. It's not worth beating ourselves up from, or thinking that we can do it ourselves. Because we can't. Only God can. 

God fixes broken things and makes them new. He takes the emotions bottled up and sets them free, so we can be free. 

The never-ending love of the Father is the only thing that can sew our ripped-to-pieces felt heart. He tells us that what we wear doesn't matter, He tells us that no matter how much food or how little food we eat, we are still worthy of love. No matter how alone we've felt, He was always beside us. 

I have never been more grateful than to remember those words in my vulnerable moments. The moments when I lost my mind and tried hiding from people around me because I thought that the things I did put me to shame. But they don't. Because people do care for me, and you. People do care if I'm hiding away, people do care if you're hiding away. 

We are loved. 

And in my weakest moments, I quickly humble myself. Take my pride in what I think my self-worth - whether it's tattered, shattered, broken, or even put back together, and give it to Him. Because I know - that no matter what - my shame will never push away the love of the Father in Heaven.