girl singing in the wreckage ✰ dave grohl

eleven

cherry's funeral was small. april would have wanted something bigger, but knowing cherry, she would've approved. there were black chairs in a couple of rows for the friends and family invited, and in front of them, lay cherry's modest black coffin. april hadn't been asked to speak, and to be honest, she was grateful. she wouldn't have been able to come up with the words to encapsulate all she needed to say. cherry was the writer, after all. the tour had been postponed slightly for her funeral, and nirvana had to find a new opening act.

april hadn't spoken to dave since the night in the hotel room, and each time she made eye contact with him throughout the service, she quickly averted her eyes. she was sat next to max, and it was the one time she had ever talked about what went on in her mind, let alone her heart.

"god is pretty cruel isn't he?" max spoke sullenly as she stared at the plot where cherry had been buried.

"life is." april replied, staring at the engraving on the tombstone. max hummed in agreement.

cherry smith. daughter, musician, poet, artist.

exactly what cherry would have wanted inscribed.

"you want to know one of the cruelest parts of this all?" max began, and april averted her eyes from cherry's grave to max.

"what?"

"it's selfish, but... she died without knowing how i... felt about her." max spoke, staring off into the distance, as if trying to imagine that cherry would emerge.

"you..." april trailed off, but max finished the sentence for her.

"i loved her." she spoke, letting out a laugh as she pulled out a cigarette. april lit it for her and they passed it between each other as they stared at cherry's grave.

"she loved you too." april replied matter-of-factly. "i never knew someone she was so captivated by. you should have heard her on the phone the day you moved in with her-- wouldn't stop talking about you."

"you think so?" max replied, emotion flashing across her features.

"i do."

max had to leave soon after, and the guests soon followed. and that left april sitting alone at cherry's grave. she thought about all the duo had gone through together, and secrets that the other would now never know. cherry's death was nothing short of a tragedy, especially since she had only begun to receive recognition for what a fucking brilliant artist she was. april wondered how the world would be different if cherry had lived to see past her thirtieth birthday. how would her life have been different?

april loved cherry like a sister, and in some ways, cherry filled the hole her mother had left the day she packed her suitcase and left. as april felt the first tears begin to fall from her eyes, she attempted to stop them from flowing. she didn't want cherry to be looking down at her while she sobbed. but as she felt the warmth of a hand on her back, she completely broke down. there dave sat, behind her. he was always there, it seemed, to witness the moments in which she was a candle in the wind.

he pulled her into his chest as she cried, repeatedly apologizing through her tears, to which he said nothing. he simply shushed her as he ran his fingers through her hair and she grasped at his black suit.

"i'm sorry, i'm sorry dave. i-- i don't think i'm a good person." she choked, whispering the last last words painfully. she pulled away from his chest, looking up at him through teary eyes. he stood up and extended his arm to her. she took his hand and he pulled her up. they walked to the edge of the cemetery, stopping at the gates.

"goobye, dave." she began, looking at her shoes as she uttered the next words. "i love you."

---

before leaving in the taxi, april stopped at the post office with the single zine she had packaged in an envelope. it was addressed to max. she dropped off before finding a taxi and directing him on where to take her.

"the airport, please."

she had the same modest bag of belongings as when she left home, and when she was on tour. nirvana had resumed the tour two days prior, and while the band was preparing for the rest of their shows, and grappling with the loss of a dear friend, april was making a zine. she had gotten a package of developed film delivered a week into the tour, and it had just been collecting dust up until that point.

april had sorted through all of the photos, filtering through all of them and finding the ones which had cherry in them. a picture of when max moved into cherry's apartment, a picture of cherry with her electric guitar, a picture of cherry pretending to sock dave in the face, and a picture of cherry kissing max on the cheek. she took these photos, along with song lyrics and made a zine-- all about cherry. after mailing the zine to max, she felt a sense of closure. she had done what she could with what she did in the world, which was take photos. the letter she wrote along with the zine to max read as follows:

dear max,

i didn't know what i was going to do with myself after cherry passed. she was someone who filled up half of me. she was my sister. i settled upon what i know best, and that's the memories that i've documented. inside this envelope you'll find my final zine, which is all of my favorite memories with cherry i've captured on film, along with lyrics to songs we used to scream together at the top of our lungs. i hope life treats you well, and you find happiness in all the right places. i'm gonna be on my way. see you when i see you.

xox, aurora

life on the road had proven... challenging for her, and so, she was leaving. to where, she didn't know. but for now, she was headed to the airport, in search of new adventure. or maybe just somewhere she could get loaded for cheap. and she settled upon san francisco. she looked out of the airplane window as she sat in her seat on the plane, and as it began to rise into the sky, she blew a kiss.

it was like that zeppelin song dave loved so much.

going to california with an aching in my heart