Black Blood

Chapter 62

'Can I ask you something?' I look up from my nails and lift my head. Novak's blue eyes look at me from above me.

'Yes,' I reply softly. I listen to Novak's steady heartbeat as my head rests on his bare chest. He pulls the blanket further over us and puts his arm over my side.

The rest of our day consisted of searching and collecting the products on the list. We hardly had any dinner, although Alex insisted on it. We were both so tired that, after a sandwich from the baker, we went to bed.

We are now several hours later, I have no idea of the exact time. Judging by the amount of light along the curtain, it is towards or into the night.

Although I am still not completely used to Novak's touch, I am starting to feel more and more comfortable with it. Since we have shared the tent I have been sleeping against him regularly, lying in his arms. I feel safe with him and sometimes, just for a moment, I forget Christiaan. Those moments are few, but they are new. There wasn't a moment when I didn't feel dirty, didn't feel Christiaan's hands on my body or didn't see his eyes in front of mine.

'What is your worst memory?' Novak asks as his fingers glide very gently over my sides. I sigh deeply and close my eyes.

'Why do you want to know?' I ask back.

'Someone's low points shape them more than their high points. It says something about someone's formation and the way they deal with similar situations.' He has a point. I marvel at his wisdom from time to time.

I think back to the bad moments that I have experienced. I have many but there are two that immediately come to mind.

The first is logical and easy to pronounce, the other less so. Just thinking about those events makes me instantly nauseous and makes my heart rate rise. I know Novak can hear my heartbeat, but still he says nothing.

'The day my mother died,' is my first response. I hate that day. The look in my father's eyes, Elien's reaction, my mother's lifeless body on the bed. I felt so powerless.

It was also the beginning of the great amount of misery in my life. From that moment on, everything changed. My father became the man he is, I was married off and the wars began. I still miss my mother sometimes. Not as much as I used to, but it remains.

Novak wants to say something to my answer but I am ahead of him. I have to say this out loud now, otherwise I will never do it. Novak has a right to hear this answer after all my strange behaviour around this subject. Besides, I have never spoken it, never shared it with anyone. I don't intend to lay the whole story on the table now but to acknowledge it at all as a bad memory is already quite a step.

'And...my...wedding night,' I say in an almost whispered tone. I don't have to explain why that is my bad memory. I regularly relive it in my dreams.

I try to control my breathing and keep my eyes tightly shut. Novak's heartbeat remains steady while his fingers continue to glide over my side.

'Do you want to talk about one, or both?' he asks softly. I immediately shake my head. Both memories are wounds that are still wide open and need a lot of time to heal.

'Okay. If you ever do want to, you can always say so.' It is silent for a while. Both of us seem lost in thought. The silence is pleasant. I want to ask Novak what his worst memory is, but somehow I don't dare. I don't want to judge him, and I'm afraid I will.

'My worst memory is the day I had to drink blood for the first time from a human being.' I lift my head and look at him in surprise. I don't know what I expected, but this answer certainly doesn't. It explains why he doesn't show his vampire side much and doesn't talk about it.