𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐒𝐄𝐂𝐑𝐄𝐓 𝐃𝐈𝐀𝐑𝐘 𝐎𝐅 𝐃𝐑𝐀𝐂𝐎 𝐌𝐀𝐋𝐅𝐎𝐘

Chapter 1

Title: The Secret Diary of Draco Malfoy: Aristocrat, Ne'er do Well, Rampant Homosexual.

Author: Alysian_fields 

Genre: Humour.

Rating: R

Pairing: H/D

Warnings: Rated for adult language and sexual references.

Summary: Draco is the bitchy gay wizard equivalent to Bridget Jones. And he has a massive crush on a certain Boy Wonder...

The Secret Diary of Draco Malfoy: Aristocrat, Ne'er-do-Well, Rampant Homosexual.

Chapter One: 1st September – 6th September.

Sunday 1st September.

Dear Diary,

Urgh. Why is it that every year when I come back to this wretched school, my diet is ruined? I've spent all summer sticking religiously to my no-wheat, no-dairy regime; I have pretended to my mother that yes, I really would prefer to eat steamed vegetables and tuna fillet instead of lemon meringue pie. I went out running for an hour every morning before I even looked at my thoroughly unappetising fruit salad, and I've been looking really good! Really! I'm all svelte and I've developed abs. I've been so proud of my self-discipline and I've been looking forward to coming back to Hogwarts and showing off my hot new body... maybe even find an opportunity to oh-so-casually remove my shirt to reveal my rock hard torso in front of a certain someone...

But that was until I got here. Every bloody year! I always promise myself that I will not gorge myself at the start of term feast; that I will, at the very most, allow myself a couple of roast potatoes... but somehow something happens to make all my good intentions disappear. There's that general atmosphere of nostalgia and camaraderie, and there's Goyle over the other side of the table and he's all "oh go on, Draco, it's our last year, you have to make the most of it, blah blah blah..." And the next thing I know, all my hard work has gone out of the window and I feel bloated and nauseous and I look like I'm pregnant! Pregnant with roast beef, apple crumble and ice cream. Urgh. Peer pressure is a terrible thing.

And to make matters that much worse, when we got back to the dorms and I was moaning and clutching my stomach in agony, Vincent thinks it's a good idea to say "don't worry about it, Draco! It's good to have a bit of flesh on your bones – something to grab onto!" He then lifted up his shirt to grab two healthy handfuls of his own considerable paunch. Lovely. I now have that hideous image burnt into my retinas for all eternity. Fabulous.

He and Greg are being very lovey-dovey tonight, mostly because Vince has only just got back from two weeks in Austria and they haven't seen each other for a while. It's all quite sweet in an unspeakably gross way. I mean, they've been together for ages and they kind of give me hope that I'll find someone I really want to be with one day. On the other hand... they both sort of look like trolls. And that's me being kind because they're my friends.

As long as I don't actually think about them being together in the physical sense, it's not too bad. If I can pretend to myself that all they have ever done or will ever do is hold hands, I can cope. I still haven't forgiven them for last year when they forgot to put a Silencing Charm on their bed. The rest of us were lying there in the darkness, frozen in terror, the sheets clutched up to our chins, until Theo finally screamed "Use the charm! Oh, for the love of all that's merciful, USE THE SODDING SILENCING CHARM!!!" Urgh. The memory still makes me shudder.