Cherry on Top 🍒... NOT. (WangXian FF)

3

"A what now?" 

Wei Wuxian thought that he heard wrong, but from Xie Lian's expression, he was sure that he didn't hear wrong.

"A sex blog." Xie Lian typed into his computer and then turned the monitor around to show Wei Wuxian the content of the blog.

Wei Wuxian–who suddenly became full of energy–moved closer to the desk and read the blog Xie Lian showed him. And blushed.

It was an entry that described a very graphic solution to a certain problem in the… bodily fluids exchange areas. But Wei Wuxian couldn't help but kept reading, since the writer was so good at weaving her words.

I don't know how to tell my husband that he couldn't satisfy me in bed. What should I do? How should I tell him?

-Frustrated in bed-

Dear frustrated in bed,

If you want to get divorced, then go ahead, tell the man–who all happened to have a fragile ego (they're the same everywhere)–that their dick could not even perform the only thing that they were specifically made for–putting their dicks into a specific hole and to procreate.

Yeah that's right, they are that insecure.

But, if you want a longer lasting relationship–and sex–then heed my words.

Thou shall never ever tell thy husband, that he sucked in bed.

Instead, buy the necessary stuff to prolong the foreplay. I suggest rope since you could tie him up until you're satisfied. The next one should be the numbing cream, to numb his dick, and if necessary use double condoms too. 

After all those preps, you should be able to play him like a fiddle. Tease him until he's about to come, and halt. Do it for a couple more times until you're satisfied. 

Never let him go if he cums prematurely, as a punishment. You could even play a little light BDSM by spanking him when he cums without your permission. A naughty student and the hot teacher role-play should do the trick for beginners. You could check this website here to find out more about BDSM and role-playing.

If all of those options still fail to make you cum, maybe you should think of getting your husband the blue pill.

With love,

AJ

Your friendly neighbourhood sex-tips dealer.

Wei Wuxian almost choked on his spit. The writer was so sassy, it took him a few seconds to stop his wheezing and Xie Lian chuckled.

"She's good isn't she? I told her to keep doing this at home but she insisted to take a break from other people's sexual problem. She has a lot of fans too, not to pressure you or anything." Xie Lian turned the monitor back to face him. "You can think about it first, but the sooner the better. By the way Qingqiu asked us to meet for lunch. He tried to call you but your phone's off."

"He probably wants to do some menu tasting. He created a specialized seasonal menu, and I thought it's a great idea. Exclusivity and all." Wei Wuxian leaned back on his chair and looked at his watch. "Should we go now?"

They arrived at Purgatory right at lunch time, but Shen Qingqiu already cordoned off their usual corner table. They sat there and without ordering, the new menus were starting to come out for them to try.

"Sometimes I wonder why I quit to become a chef." Wei Wuxian tasted the new menu–a various flambe meat sticks with vegetables with cognac; a flambe spring chicken with thick and sticky umami sauce completed with potato croquettes and vegetables; and last but not least, a piping hot stone bowl filled with spicy kimchi jjigae soup, Wei Wuxian's favourite.

"This soup should be the restaurant signature dish." Wei Wuxian moaned when he took a big spoonful of the tofu and kimchi soup and downed it in one big bite.

"Yeah, and then no one will order that since you apparently have to burn your tongue alongside your intestinal tract and your ass, to be able to enjoy that food." Shen Qingqiu appeared, bringing a big pitcher of cold beer and dessert for Xie Lian, the sweet tooth. "So, how's your novel going? Is he gonna be the next George R. R. Martin or what?"

Wei Wuxian choked on the hot soup while Xie Lian giggled. Shen Qingqiu always had a very sharp tongue that was ready to chew anyone who came close to him. Only Wei Wuxian and Xie Lian could tolerate his sadistic remarks and not take them to heart since they knew he always told the truth and he was actually very nice after you peeled the outer layers. And cried like a banshee before finding the golden core inside.

"Uum, about that…" Wei Wuxian groaned and looked at Xie Lian for help.

"He… needs training first." Xie Lian tried to be neutral, but then Shen Qingqiu cackled.

"You mean, he needs to fuck someone first? Since I've read his first draft and boy, even a five years old kid would know that you're a virgin bro." He slapped Wei Wuxian's back and laughed again heartily.

"Fuck you both! As if you are experienced in having sex! I know for sure you both don't have girlfriends!" Wei Wuxian blushed as Shen Qingqiu's mark hit straight to the point.

"Hey, I'm not the one who wants to write an adult romance book featuring s-e-x, which, we all have no time for." Shen Qingqiu leaned back and sighed. "For the first time, I want to have a partner. To share my thoughts, to laugh together, to be able to feed them my food without complaining of getting fat, and of course, drop dead gorgeous. Isn't that too much to ask?"

"Now that you said it, I vaguely remember that you have an admirer, the one who sent you chocolate, flowers, and asked you on a date repeatedly although you rejected him and threw him out from here?" Wei Wuxian suddenly remembered the man who seemed like he was crazy about his best friend. The man was tall, built, with longish dark hair and tan skin. He spoke in a strange accent–like he was not from around here–and declared his undying love to Shen Qingqiu many times, making his friend frustrated.

"Oh, yeah, his name is Luo Binghe and he's my boss' cousin. He's a very well known mixed martial art guru and sometimes actor." Xie Lian was also there when Luo Binghe declared his love to Shen Qingqiu and he was swooned by the romantic gesture. "Why don't you try the relationship with him?"

"Do I look like I'm gay?" Shen Qingqiu shivered like it was the last thing in his mind. "I still like women's tits, pardon my French, and he looked like someone who would top anyone who's gonna be his partner, and I don't think my ass is ready for that… that bulk of a man. Ever." 

"Well, I for one, don't mind if his other cousin–the one with the long hair–fuck me til Sunday, or until I can't walk… whichever comes first." Xie Lian giggled and then blushed. "Oh god, forget I said about it, so embarrassing."

Wei Wuxian thought about it and suddenly he had an idea.

"So, why don't you guys spend the weekend in my new place? We're going to talk until morning, then we're gonna go swimming in the ocean. Oh by the way, have I told you guys that I have three very hot neighbors?" Wei Wuxian did not specify the gender of his neighbors, because he wanted them to come and enjoy the view before judging him of ogling men in broad daylight. He never would have thought about this but actually, he didn't mind if his hot neighbor was going to ask him out, if he had to tell the truth.

"Well, I think it's a great idea." Xie Lian interrupted. "I want to see your house ever since forever now."

"Trust me, you guys are gonna like it." Wei Wuxian smirked. "So, it's a date?"

"I could shift some of my important stuff, but it's a date." Shen Qingqiu answered after he gave it some thought. "And a weekend together only the three of us. Just like back in school."

"The three virgins are back together again." Xie Lian took his glass and saluted the other two.

"Hopefully not for long."