Natasha Romanoff OneShots

spiralled - SJ

requested by @marvel__123

‼️TRIGGER WARNING!‼️
READ AT YOUR OWN RISK!

'I just want to make it clear that my dms are always open. As someone who has had their fair share of struggles with various eating disorders, I know how damaging and alone they can make you feel. But please know that you're not alone. I love you, and I'm always available to talk, if you need any advice, or if you just want someone to listen to you. Don't worry, I've got your back <3'

UK helpline: 0808 801 0677
US helpline: (800) 931-2237

you're not alone in this

warning: eating disorder, negative self image, mentions of counting calories, mentions of self harm, purging
word count: 3.4k (long one today)

Y/N POV:
The last few months had been tough. I'd felt so alone yet so overcrowded at the same time. Ever since Scarlett and I made our relationship public, my instagram had been flooded with messages. Some good, but mostly bad. At first I didn't see them, as my social media presence grew. But as the initial surge died down, those comments became more and more prominent.

"Wow, Scarjo really lowered her standards"

"Who would ever post a bikini photo with a body like that?"

"someone needs to go on a diet, @y/n y/l/n is making our Scar look bad"

"fatass"

"go starve yourself"

"you not good enough for Scarlett"

They were easy to ignore at first, but lately they're all I think about. Just being around Scarlett heightens anyone's insecurities, being the flawless human being that she is. But when that voice in your head is being supported by thousands of other people on the internet, it's not something you can simply ignore.

It started off simple: I ate a bit healthier and made sure to work out in the gym we had at home. The results came, but not as fast as I wanted them to. So, I stopped eating junk food and switched to 2 hours of exercise instead of 1. Sometimes Scar even trained with me, which helped. A bit.

But the more I worked out, the worse I felt. I was still giving in to cravings. Having a weak mind let the way to a weak body. I knew I could be doing more. The comments were still flooding in thick and fast, so I needed to change quicker. I'd seen that Scarlett had used an app on her phone to track her protein intake, so I tried to find one for calories. 'My Fitness Pal' was the first to come up, so I downloaded it and filled out my details.

I set my daily goal at 1000 calories, which I knew was low, but I needed it if I wanted to see results. No one got anywhere by sitting on their butt. As I ate less, I felt lighter, cleaner, buzzing with energy. There were moments when I actually felt good about myself and my body, until I read more comments and I came crashing down to reality.

As I progressed, I realised I had no idea what I looked like anymore. I couldn't picture myself in my head. With all the exercise and healthy eating, I could swear I was loosing some much needed weight, but every time I looked in the mirror...

Fat.

The girl staring back at me was no more than a distorted fairground image character. Her face was as round as the moon, her thighs as thick as tree trunks. Her stomach protruded far too much and her arms were double what they should be. That image ingrained itself in my mind and every time I closed my eyes she was there. She reinforced that voice inside my head. Telling me to put my fork down. To get back on that treadmill even when I felt like my lungs were going to give out. She pushed me through it, and I'm grateful to her.