(A/N ignore if you want, just another stupid rant)
I feel so alone.
I'm dying, I so close to fainting and my body is going numb, I keep seizing and shaking, I'm too hot but I'm freezing cold. I have pins and needles everywhere I can feel my heart slowing down and I can't stand up. My head is spinning. Haven't slept in days, maybe weeks. Haven't showered, brushed my teeth. I don't even know what day/date it is. I'm fucking spiralling and for once it feels amazing. I swallowed three boxes of pills. Three boxes. Death is so close and I'm so fucking glad. I'm done.
I feel so lost. I don't know who I am anymore. My life is just going in circles and it's all the same. I want to be able to feel again, I want to know who I am again. My nan always asks me "where has my little girl gone? I want my little girl back." And it hurts because she's never cared about me. I started seeking validation from older men who are just fucked perverts, but the strangest thing is, they make me feel loved in the most fucked up way, because I'm a disgusting person. I stay with my boyfriend even though he's manipulative and abusive (haven't told anyone about him yet either) because he tells me he loves me and sometimes that's all I need to hear, it's all I want. For someone to love me. I'm fucking up my own life and I'm such an awful horrible person for all that I know it. Every night I spend crying because I feel guilty and selfish and I look at my blade and use it, because fuck it, if pain is the only thing I can feel, why am I even begining to give that up? I'm stuck in this loop and I don't think I'll ever get out. I feel like I'm going crazy, everything is too fast. I'm sorry I'm venting here instead of doing an update. I'm just losing all motivation.
