tongue tied - jake kiszka

21.

   Cigarette smoke seeped out the open window of my old Impala, mixing in with the warm spring air. I was starting to sweat a little, but I hadn't felt like turning my car on just to sit there.

   Classes were supposed to start in a couple days, a little too soon for my liking. It felt like I had just started my spring break. I hadn't seen Jake or anyone since our lake day, although Posy and I had started texting pretty regularly.

I wondered when I would end up seeing them again.

Dawn had gone out the next day with Jake- seems he'd held true to his word. She'd come back that night, knocking a couple times on my door before letting herself in.

   "He kissed me goodnight." She had told me and my stomach turned. "On the cheek. God Charlie, what am I doing wrong?"

   I had assured her it was nothing she did, that some guys were just like that. A small part of me felt relieved though and I hated myself for it.

   I'd never been that way. I never got butterflies around a guy or felt out of breath when one of them touched me. I liked the attention for only a moment and then I'd get bored.

   Jake made me feel funny. He made me question everything I knew about myself when it came to men and I wanted to hate him for it. He got under my skin most of the time, irritating me like no other. But sometimes, he made me smile.

His touch made me tense up.

But his fingers were always so soft.

He grinned when he knew he'd frustrated me.

But he grinned at me.

At the lake when he'd gotten upset with me, all I could think about was why he'd been upset. I interested him. He was interested in me.

But Dawn was interested in him. I couldn't do that to her. I wasn't even sure if I wanted to. I felt confused.

Fuck.

I inhaled from my cigarette again, tapping the ashes out the window as Posy's words the other day played over in my head. This wasn't me. I didn't do shit like this. I couldn't think of him that way, he was just nice to me a few times that was all.

I stared out into the parking lot, looking around at the lack of cars. Nearly everyone had gone home for spring break and I was here, sitting in my hot car because I didn't have anything else to do.

My phone buzzed and a part of me wished it was my mom. Wondering if I was okay. Asking how school was. Telling me something about my brother. Wishing I had come home for spring break. Anything.

I knew it wasn't her though.

I finally picked up my phone, peering closely at the message. It was from an unknown number.

?: This Charlie?

   I texted back quickly, asking who wanted to know.

?: It's Lee

   ?: I'm taking that as a yes lmfao

Me: Yes lol hi

Lee: Been wanting to text u, I didn't wanna bother u tho

Me: I've missed u long lost friend

I was giving him an in. I knew my thoughts about Jake were exactly that- just thoughts. I'd never act on them, I'd never speak a word of it to anyone. Especially not to him.

My funny feelings were just a lapse of judgement. I could blame it on the alcohol I'd drank or the weed I was smoking or even my hormones from my period. But I couldn't make an excuse for when I was sober- when the only thing we had in our systems had been a couple cigarettes and a need for conversation.

So I flirted with Lee. I could see him a couple times, let him take me out, let him take me home. Then it would be over. Men always said women over complicated things, but I knew it didn't have to be that difficult.

I never let a man close enough for that. Aside from my junior year boyfriend, I'd never gotten serious with anyone else and even that couldn't really be considered serious. I wasn't the best girlfriend. I wasn't sure I even knew how to be.

Lee: Are u busy tonight?

I looked down at the message. I was sitting in an almost empty parking lot in the middle of the day, breezing through the pack of cigarettes I'd just bought this morning. I was very much not busy.

Me: I'll have to see

Lee: Let me take u out? I'll be a gentleman

My fingers poised over the keyboard. This was my plan, right? This is what I wanted, what I needed to get my head back on straight. Jake was no more than just a pesky lingering thought. A thought I shouldn't even be allowed to hold captive in my mind.

I messed with a small bug bite on my knee with one hand, my phone still gripped in the other. His message was right there, waiting for a response. I was stalling.

Me: You can be whatever u want as long as u pay

Lee: Ur an easy woman to please

I really wasn't. But he was nice and funny and not too bad to look at. He was exactly what I needed right now.

  My phone buzzed again and I half expected it to be Lee again, but it was Posy.

   Posy: going out tonight on a double date with Jake and Dawn :/

   Posy: pls save me

   Me: I would if I could

   Posy: u can.  come with ?????

   That was the last thing I needed to do. Dawn and Jake needed their time to bond without me being there. It was a double date for a reason, not a double date plus the random roommate.

   No.

   That's all I needed to type. Come on.

   Posy: what if i told u i was crying right now

   I grinned down at my phone at her dramatic message. Lee's message was still sitting right under hers and my fingers hovered between the chats. Finally I responded to her.

   Me: Can the plus one bring a plus one?