kaatjè myra rose | kj
tuesday 4th august, 2009
"happy father's day dad, i made you a card at school," i said handing my grandfather the card.
"aww thank you kj," he smiled widely causing a smile to appear on my face.
"and look, i drew a picture of us here. that's the day you bought me ice cream after school remember?"
"yes i remember," he nodded, "thank you for the card kj, i really like it,"
"you're welcome," i smiled.
"happy father's day dad," angel said walking into the room. she had bought him a balloon and a card. angel was my aunt.
"thank you angel," he smiled.
"i made him a card at school, look," i said nodding towards it.
"why would you do that?" she asked mugging me.
"because it's father's day?" i frowned.
"but he's not your dad.. you don't even know who your dad is," she scoffed. my eyes started to well up with tears. this was the happiest i've been in months since i've been here but she always managed to ruin that for me.
i was only seven years old. my mom was in jail and she was right, i didn't know who my father was. but my grandfather played a good father role. being here at this house, i felt like he was the only one that loved me for real. the love was so genuine between us, that's why i felt comfortable calling him dad.
"that's enough angel," he said to her.
"why is she even here?" she continued, "she could've went anywhere else but her mom decided to drop her off here,"
"angel.."
"probably because no one else wants her. her dad doesn't want her, her own mother doesn't want her. even mom doesn't want her here," she laughed.
before my grandad could say anything i got up and went to the kitchen to grab a fork.
"what are you going to do? stab me?" she said.
i contemplated on it but i didn't. instead i walked towards her and popped the balloon she had gotten for her dad.
she grabbed me and tried to hit me but i dodged and punched her in the face. angel was only thirteen. she wasn't that bigger than me so i was able to hurt her.
"that's enough!" grandad said breaking us apart, "go upstairs kaatjè!" he yelled at me.
"but she started it!" i argued back.
"i said go upstairs!"
i stormed off and went into the room we both shared and slammed the door locking it behind me.
i always thought grandad would be on my side. but no one really was. she was right. nobody wanted me. i should just run away. leave and never come back. but where would i go? what if someone kidnaps me? or kills me? maybe i should call the police... no they'll put me in foster care. that's far much worse.
i miss my mom. i just wanted to speak to her. but why would she leave me here with a bunch of people that hated me? why would she want that for me? i hate her. i never want to see her ever again. maybe i should run away.
___
"i didn't kiss him he kissed me!" i cried.
"so why did your school call and say you did it?" my grandma asked, hand on her hip. "you wanna be fast like your mom huh? you wanna be sixteen and pregnant just like she was? you wanna be a hoe? then what are you going to do when you have your child? dump the baby on me just like your mom did right?"
"i swear to you grandma, he kissed my cheek and i told the teacher. i don't know why she made it seem like it was all me because it wasn't,"
"your mom need to come get you because i'm tired of you. i give up. you are mentally draining,"
"i didn't even do anything.." i mumbled to myself and looked down. she sucked her teeth and went into the kitchen. i saw her phone on the table and before anyone could see me, i quickly grabbed it and ran upstairs to the bathroom.
i locked the door then sat on the toilet. looking through her contact list i found my mom's number and dialled it.
"hello?" she answered. i hadn't heard her voice in over six months causing me to become extremely overwhelmed. i just sobbed on the phone instead of saying anything.
"kaatjè? kj is that you?" she asked.
"mom i don't want to be here," i cried, "they hate me. they all hate me. sometimes i wanna run away, sometimes i want kill myself.."
"oh God.." she said. her voice trembled a little bit, "they won't let me get kaatjè but i'll try okay? i'll try to get you back okay? i'm going to end the call now, make sure you delete my number from the call log okay?"
"okay.." i sniffed, "please hurry.."
___
"you're finally leaving today," my grandma said looking at me through the rear view mirror. "good. now you can go bother your mother because i'm tired of you,"
"hey miss grace can we say bye to kaatjè before she goes?" one of my friends said as they all ran up to the car.
"don't say bye to her. she doesn't deserve anyone saying goodbye to her," she snapped.
"oh," my friend said. she looked at me and gave me a small smile which i returned.
as my grandma drove away i gave them a small wave before sitting back in my seat.
she dropped me and my uncle off at the train station without saying anything. she just dropped my bag, got back in her car and left.
"i wish you didn't pay them no mind," he said picking up my stuff, "but you're young so i don't blame you,"
i didn't say anything. i just followed him down the steps to the train platform.
"it's fucked up what they do to you. how they talk to you. they're fucking up your innocence, you're still a child,"
"it's fine," i smiled, "i'll be fine now i'm going back to mom,"
"and i'm happy for you," he nodded. our train came and we got on it. he placed my bag between his legs as i sat next to him and rested my head on his shoulder. he sighed and put an ear phone in, giving me the other.
i loved my uncle as much as i loved my grandad. he was like my older brother. never failed to defend me. but he was never home from time to time because my grandma would always put him out. i was convinced that woman was a witch. she was so evil.
i was happy that i was leaving. i didn't have to go through that stuff anymore. i didn't have to hear or see my aunt or grandma again. i was relieved.
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