Proposal ; beomgyu (completed)

xvi.

2023.
22 years.

Beomgyu giggled while having his mouth covered by Junoh's palms. She furrowed her eyebrows and bit her lip, still making sure no more words would escape his pretty lips.

"Yah, you can't do that!", with one of her hands –still keeping the other on his lips– she wiped a few tears that had fallen from her eyes.

He licked her palm, having it retrieved from his lips with a disgusted sound coming from Junoh's. He smiled and looked at her as if she was the whole wide world.

Maybe she was the whole wide world.

"You know, I promised to marry you", he commented casually.

"I'm surprised you remember", she smiled and laid back on the blanket, looking up at the stars. "So, did you eat butterflies before coming here?"

Beomgyu giggled. It made things to Junoh's heart; being the cause of his laugh filled her with the purest joy.

"I think I have always eaten butterflies before seeing you", he confessed. "Actually, I think I have loved you ever since I first met you".

"Stop it", Junoh sat up and looked at him straight in the eye. "If this is a prank, I will die".

"Why would you die?", he sat up too, now looking each other in the eye.

Junoh's were filled with tears and her lip wobbled as she tried finding the words. She had never confessed her feelings before; not to him, at least. And she didn't think Beomgyu was for real this time. It made no sense, because he had never been the one to act on his feelings.

"Don't you have a girlfriend?", she asked.

His smiling face faded as fast as Junoh blinked and he scratched his neck and then sighed. Junoh could hear her heart about to explode and she didn't know if it was anticipation of a heartbreak or happiness of being loved back.

"It's not like that. It's complicated...", his voice faded.

"Ah, complicated".

They were now avoiding each other's eyes, Junoh understanding it was the heartbreak coming. She knew she didn't have to get her hopes up, but then again he literally had asked her to marry him.

"I would've said yes", she mumbled and started getting ready to leave. Picking up the stuff and sighing, she smiled weakly towards Beomgyu. "If it wasn't complicated, I would've said yes", she smiled again. "You know I don't do complicated".

"Junoh", he took her hand but she swiftly let go of his hold. "Wait, Junoh", she had started walking back towards the car.

Her eyes were filled with tears and she had to fight so hard to not let them fall. She didn't want to cry in front of him. Beomgyu had always been the one she had turned to when she felt sad, but now that he was the reason she was sad, she didn't want him to be the one comforting her.

"Junoh", he locked the car before she could get in, knowing that the moment she sat in there, she would put her earphones on and would avoid him forever.

But her purse had been left inside, so she had no way out of this conversation. And that scared her, because she really wanted to believe he loved her. But if loving her is complicated –because why else would he say that word, if it didn't mean he was in sort of a relationship with that other girl?–, then she didn't know if she wanted it.

All of her life she had been second. Second choice, second kid, second best student. She had never been priority, and she had grown tired of it.

Junoh didn't want complicated. She wanted full, easy, complete love. Not something halfway through. No. She wanted to be loved the way she thought she deserved to.

And even if her heart ached to jump into Beomgyu's arms and shout out that she loved him too –that she always had–, if he couldn't offer her what she wanted, then she didn't want it.

Junoh had learnt her worth, and she was worth first place. Adoration, respect and happiness. And complicated was not happiness. It would never be.

"What?", she looked up to his eyes and he could feel his heart clenching because of the sadness on those beautiful eyes.

"I do love you", he placed a hand on her cheek and her eyes closed, letting a few stray tears fall. "I love you with all my heart it actually hurts me to know this love will never be enough".

"I don't want complicated", she mumbled, her eyes still closed and leaning into his touch.

"I know", he sucked a big gulp of air. "I... I know", his hand fell from her cheek and she nodded.

This was it. He couldn't offer her what she needed, what she wanted.

"So this is it", the bitterness of her soul could be heard through her barely audible voice. "This getaway was nice, but I think I need to go home, now".

The road back was torturously painful for both of them. A couple of times Junoh had sobbed a little loud, and Beomgyu had just held onto the steering wheel a bit tighter.

So when he parked outside Yeonjun's house, she brushed the tears off her face and smiled towards him. The reality of their status as friends –and even as something more– hitting her hard. There was no they because there was obstacles. And Junoh was tired of racing against obstacles; she had been doing that for too long now.

"Thank you for the ride", she brushed her lips against each other and opened the door. "Also, I love you too. But I need to love me more".