When I'm shaken awake I already know what's happened. I heard Al wake up in the middle of the night and stumble out of the dorm, crying softly. I'd been half asleep for a while when Christina ran into the dorm and called out for me.
"Rita, Tris, It's Al! Come on," She drags Tris out of her bed and I follow suit. It was too cold to sleep and now that I know I could have prevented his suicide... I'm wide awake.
Christina's cheeks are stained with tears and mascara, I'm almost confused about why she's sad but remember she wasn't there on the bridge over the chasm. She has no idea what really happened.
We're running to the pit and shove past the group of people, I gasp. Tris hasn't figured out what the thing they're hauling up is because I notice when she does. Her eyes freeze over and she becomes so still I think she's not even breathing for a moment. Christina clings to Tris as she sobs.
I can't bring myself to cry. I don't feel anything but guilt but then... I remember what he did and the conflicting emotions are so overwhelming.
The sound of his body flopping onto the ground makes me jump back, his eyes are staring right in mine. I see flashes of my mother's glassy eyes before she's covered in blood. My mind is reeling as I can't stop staring at his body.
He's dead. This is a dead body. I've seen plenty of dead people before. But I never knew them. I remember the way Al smelled, now all I smell is death. It's cold and musty. It makes my stomach twist and turn.
I barely register Tris collapsing onto the floor. What I said was so horrible. I have to get out of here. My eyes are covered with a sheen of tears as I stumble through the people and let my feet lead me somewhere–anywhere.
The stone floor is so cold I swear my toes might freeze off if I keep walking. The only things I am aware of are my panicked breath and the cold air I'm blowing on myself as I wave my hands in front of myself. Self-soothing. Though this time, I know it won't work.
I must be very far from anyone living because I hear complete silence beside my shallow breaths.
My chest is moving too quickly for my liking but everything I do to try and calm it is futile.
"Breathe," I gasp out, "Please, breathe." All I can see is Al's dead, dark eyes staring at me. "Please," I whine, the tears burning my dry skin as they race down my cheeks.
Footfalls alert me to someone's presence and I wipe at the tears to try and cover them. "Rita?" Four's voice calms me slightly, "Rita?" I can tell when he sees me because he's right beside me in less than a few seconds. "Woah," He's touching my face and I don't care because I need anything to happen besides me being alone with this guilt.
"He's dead," I say and I break again. The sound I make is inhuman as I drop my head against Four's chest. Any concerns for ethics and formalities are out of my brain. "Dead." I can't think of anything else. "Help me." My fists ball in his shirt as he pulls me into him.
"It's okay, breathe. Please." His voice mirrors mine and it makes me cry harder. Why's he always helping me in private and then making me feel like shit around everyone else?
His shirt becomes damp with my tears and the texture makes me want to die some more. I pull away and notice how my hijab has slid down to my neck and panic. I reach up to lift my scarf but he stops me.
"Hey, I got it." Four pulled my shaking hands down and lifted the fabric gently and tucked it back around my face as I had it. "There you go," He set a hand on my cheek with a pained expression. "Can you breathe now?" His tone is so much softer than his eyes.
I shake my head, inhaling through my nose to prove it. "I'm sorry." I can feel the exhaustion from sobbing so hard beginning to weigh down on me. "I am so so tired," The whininess in my tone makes me angry at myself for even saying anything. "I wanna go home so bad."
That's the first time I've admitted it out loud since I got here. I miss my mom, I miss Tammi, my cousin, my aunts, my sister, Baba. I miss everything about my home. Even the food. It might have been subpar compared to what I'm eating now but I love my mother's cooking.
"I wanna go home so badly, Four. I hate myself for it." My wild eyes meet his calm ones.
Four nods at me, "I know, Rita, I know." He strokes my cheek softly and it makes me even sadder.
"Do you ever wanna go back home, Four?"
"Never." He says quickly, "I wasn't so lucky in the parent department–not like you were."
This makes my face crumple, "I can't imagine. I was so lucky. Wasn't I?" The tilt of his head forward is so slight but I catch it. Something inside me makes me lean my forehead against his. We're so close it's intense.
My cheeks burn and my lips feel swollen, but he's still, letting me calm down. One of his hands holds the back of my head carefully, the other is holding me half on his lap and half in the air. My hand snakes around his neck and onto the edge of his hair. It has gotten longer since initiation began.
It's becoming soft–or at least, I'm guessing it wasn't before. He hums and the sound fills me with warmth. I'm not sure what kind of warmth it is... but it covers me from head to toe.
There's this tingling feeling that follows it as I shiver. My nose is still so stuffy and my throat hurts so badly. "...Thank you," I say after a while. "I should probably go back."
"Stay at mine, I can sleep on the couch." He whispers and his breath fans my face, I nod. Breathing in through my mouth and blowing the air out to the side. Four laughs silently, "You didn't have to do that."
"I don't like breathing on people, feels rude."
"Can you stand?" I shrug as he lowers me back onto the floor, I sit upright, letting my body rest for a moment. Four offers me his hand and I take it with ease. He helps me stand and I lean against him unintentionally.
My legs feel numb and the pain of them 'waking up' is setting in. "Shit, my legs fell asleep." I shake my hands out and lift a leg to ease the pain. I fall backward and Four catches me–it surprises me how fast he's able to react to things. "Thanks." I leaned against his chest and shook each leg one at a time.
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