Left With Liam

Chapter 28

Mel

I didn't even bother grabbing my jacket. As soon as I changed into my shoes, I ran. I flagged down the first cab I could find and raced back to the apartment.

My heart was still beating erratically, and my breathing hadn't slowed. I knew I was about to have a panic attack, so I bolted.

Everything was going so well. Liam was incredible. It was clear he spent a great deal of time planning out what to do for our first official date. He wanted everything to be perfect.

And it was. Until it wasn't.

The moment I opened my mouth about us making out on the team bench, the floodgates opened. My anxiety shot through the roof at the next thought that planted itself in my mind.

I thought about how I'd look at that bench in the future and remember how Liam had me on my back over it. I'd see the team sitting on it every game and know what we did on it. The bench where Liam, Chase, and T.J. would sit. The bench where he sat.

Suddenly, it felt wrong. Being there on that bench with Liam in the position we were. It was like we were desecrating Justin's memory. I started to panic, and my thoughts turned dark. The nasty little voice in my head was back, and she was screaming at me that Liam and I may as well have been making out on Justin's grave.

One second, we were locked in a passionate embrace; the next, I was running scared. The voice in my head, coupled with the dream I had earlier, made me feel like an absolute piece of shit.

I felt dirty. I felt ashamed. Most of all, I felt scared- scared of how I could go from being so happy one second and freaked out the next. I was afraid that I'd never be able to move on from Justin.

I wanted to so badly. I wanted to with Liam, but how could I when little things were still getting to me?

It wasn't fair to him. I wasn't being fair to him. And when he reached out to check on me, I couldn't face him; I couldn't speak to him- not after what I'd done.

When I burst into the apartment, Tay immediately knew something was wrong. She and T.J. shared a concerned look before I shut myself away in my bedroom. Tay came to check on me right away, asking what happened.

I didn't have the heart to tell her, and I didn't trust myself not to fall apart again trying to explain it. I asked her to tell Liam that I had made it home. Then, I buried myself under my covers and cried.

I heard the moment Liam returned. He wasn't far behind me. I could hear hushed voices in the living room. I knew he wanted to check on me, but Tay stopped him. I'm grateful for that. If he'd tried to talk to me at that time, I don't think I could have stopped the waterworks.

There was a horrible feeling in my gut. I knew I owed him an explanation, especially after everything he did to make our date special. Everything was going perfectly until I ruined it.

He didn't deserve that.

I needed to explain things to him. And I would when I was able.

~

Several days passed, and I still hadn't found the courage to talk to him. We saw one another in passing at the apartment, but neither of us said much. I knew he was being kind, trying to give me space to work out whatever I was working through, but I could tell it was hurting him immensely to do so.

I saw every look, every sad smile, every bit of heartbreak written on his face. It killed me not to explain things to him, but I wasn't sure I was ready. I still hadn't told Tay, and she's the one person I knew would understand.

I just couldn't talk about it. Not yet.

One night, when I was hiding in my room, I heard Liam talking to someone.

The pain in his voice was evident as he told them, "I don't know what I did. She'll hardly even look at me. If I knew what I did, I could fix it. I just- I have no clue what to do."

Then, I heard Taylor's voice. "Give her time. Whatever it is, she'll come to you when she's ready. She probably needs time to figure it out herself before she can talk about it."

She tried to comfort him, but I knew it wouldn't work. No matter how hard she tried, the only person who could fix this situation was me. And I wasn't able to.

Liam was hurting because of me. That killed me. I hated seeing him so down. He wasn't his happy-go-lucky self, and it was all my fault. He was the last person I wanted to hurt, and I did it anyway.

~

Two weeks passed, and I still hadn't talked to Liam about everything. He and T.J. were back at the complex since the season was about to start, making it easier for me to avoid him.

I felt horrible about it, but I still had no idea how to approach him, nor did I know what to say when I did.

I was flipping through an old photo album when I heard a soft knock on my door. When I answered, I found Tay leaning against the wall outside.

She told me the boys were gone and asked if I wanted some company. I let her in and sat back down on my bed, where my album was sitting open.

She leaned over, looking at one of the pictures. A smile spread across her face as she pointed to one on the top of the page. "I remember that night."

I looked down at the photo. It was from a New Year's Eve party several years ago. Justin, Liam, Chase, Tay, and I were celebrating with some of the other guys on the team. The photo captured the moment Chase popped a bottle of champagne and sprayed everyone with it right at midnight.

I thought back to that night fondly. "That was a good night. I remember after that was taken. I was soaked, and my white top was giving everyone a peek at my bra."

I laughed as memories came flooding back. "Justin ripped off his shirt and pulled it over my head, saying something about keeping his lady's honor."

Tay chuckled as she remembered too. "He wanted to make sure no one got a free show. He always thought himself prince charming."

Looking down at the picture of all of us, my smile softened. "He was. He really was."

I could feel the mood shift as Tay studied me quietly. Then she asked, "What happened, Mel?"

I didn't have to ask. I knew what she was referring to. I still hadn't talked about it with anyone, not even her. So, with a deep inhale, I finally decided to talk about it. I told her everything, sparing no detail.

When I finished, we sat there silently. Neither of us spoke for the longest time.

Tay was the one who broke the silence. "I think I know what you need to do."

I looked up at her curiously.

She looked me straight in the eyes as she said, "You need to see him. It's time, Mel."

Tears welled in my eyes. I knew the him she was referring to wasn't Liam. She was talking about Justin.

And she was right.