we could be | ronance

ONE

"looking right
looking like all the stars are fated"

-

NANCY WHEELER AND i dated a month ago. we had a sweet relationship. she would come visit me at work, and we would go into the back to sneakily exchange kisses.

steve was always supportive of us, which made me happy. even though it was his ex, he always seemed happy to listen to me talk about her. he always encouraged me to cancel my plans with him to hang out with her. he always was sure to check in on our relationship.

and i was happy. i enjoyed every call, every kiss, every minute we hung out. nancy was the first girl i really liked, tammy never even comparing to her. i always found myself thinking about nancy and smiling to myself. she was my best friend, my one true love.

but it ended after 6 months. half a year wasted. and, if i'm being honest, it was all my fault.

you see, nancy hadn't been the same a few days before our breakup. our calls became shorter and less meaningful. she would often never pick up her phone when i called- whether she was busy or ignoring them, i had no idea.

having no idea was the exact problem we had when we broke up. when i was at her house the day we broke up, we had been cuddling on her bed. she got a call and immediately jumped up.

-

"hello?" nancy had spoke to the person on the other side.

i had no clue who it was, not being able to make out the voice on the other side- or anything the person had been saying.

"yeah, no, i'm not busy" she had said.

i had taken some offense to that statement. she kind of was busy, she was with me! i watched her talking to the other person, smiling and laughing.

"no, robin's just over," she said after a little while of talking to the person. "no that doesn't mean you have to hang up. we're just hanging out"

she laughed at something the person said. "yeah, we've become friends"

friends was a term i was used to. obviously, it was someone that didn't know about us. not many people did, mainly only steve and dustin. steve tells dustin everything, and dustin had already figured it out on his own. being gay in the 80s isn't exactly tolerated.

nancy continued on the call for at least another 15 minutes, until she finally got off.

"who was that?" i asked her, cocking sn eyebrow as she walked back my way.

"jonathan," she said, as if it were no big deal.

"jonathan? why were you talking to him?"

she shrugged. "nothing. no reason"

"you were smiling on the phone the entire time"

"so?"

"so it just makes you look guilty"

"guilty?" she looked at me sideways, but i could see some kind of nervousness in her eyes. as if i was figuring out something she didn't want me to.

"yeah, like you're cheating on me with him"

she stayed silent, just looking at me. a million thoughts were racing through my head. was she cheating? was i overreacting? was she telling the truth? was she lying? did she actually love me?

"i'll take your silence as all i need to know," i said, getting up off the bed. i gathered my stuff, looking at her with a pained look on my face. i could tell both of us were trying not to cry.

"robin wait-"

robin. not babe. not any name she usually calls me. just robin. that's all i was to her.

"no, i'm leaving. continue your little thing with jonathan, we're done"

"please let me explain-"

her voice drowned out as i left her room, leaving her whole house entirely.

-

i never turned back. i remember biking home, tears rolling down my cheeks, clouding my vision of the road in front of me.

sometimes i regret it. actually, no. i've always regretted it. i regret walking out and not letting her talk. i regret ignoring her calls that came for days after that. i regret jumping to the conclusion in the first place.

steve was there for me after the breakup. he was there to work extra when i needed a few days off, not having any energy to get out of bed. i was heartbroken over nancy for as long as i can remember.

but i always thought, no matter how many times he would say it isn't my fault, steve blamed me for it. i mean, why wouldn't he? i broke up with her.

i tried invalidating my emotions. i tried getting up and telling myself i had no right to be sad over nancy when i was the one who broke it off with her in the first place. but that didn't help. nothing ever helped.

if i'm being honest, i don't think i've ever fully gotten over nancy. i always thought we were meant for each other. we were perfect. every 'i love you', every kiss....it just felt so right.

it felt like a piece of me that was missing was finally complete. but now....now it's missing again.

i don't spend my nights crying over her like i used to, but i definitely still think about her. it feels like she never truly leaves my mind, a piece of her still with me in every though, every decision.

i always end up thinking if something i do is something nancy would approve of. i wondered if would nancy be happy with me with every decision i made.

however, i always ended up with the answer yes  nancy would always support anything i did. she'd always tell me she was proud of me. any time i'd call her crying about my mom, she'd comfort me. she'd always make me feel better.

i felt safe with nancy wheeler.

but now that safe spot once filled by her was empty again, almost like a hole. i didn't have my normal person to call.

sometimes after we broke up i'd find myself picking up the phone to call her. when i'd reach for the keypad to type her number in, i'd remember. remember that she wouldn't care. remember that i was the one who hurt her.

if i'm being honest with myself, my mental health has made a steady decline since our relationship ended, and it never came back up again.

a nancy-shaped hole was left in my chest where my heart was supposed to be. and, worst part was, it was never going to be filled again.