we could be | ronance

SEVEN

"you're all i think about and everywhere i look
i know it's bad but we could be so good"

-

I HATED HOW much of a grip nancy had on me. i hated how i still had feelings for her. i hated how i could never pull my mind off her. she always popped into my head during classes, making my random doodles end up being her.

and most of all, i hated how whatever i felt for her wasn't reciprocated. i hated how she loved barb. how barb replaced my spot in her bed. how barb consumed all of her thoughts instead of me. how barb kissed her lips- the same ones i had kissed for six months.

it had been a month. i knew i should've already gotten over it.

but, god, i was in love with her. and i still am.

i can't sit in my room anymore without thinking of our endless makeout sessions in my bed that sometimes turned into more. i couldn't be in my car without thinking about the times we had secretly hooked up in the back seat. i couldn't be at work without think of the times she'd come in to visit.

i hated how all i could think about was nancy wheeler. her name was like a broken record, repeating over and over and over again. it was driving me crazy.

i remember when nancy was always in my head. it was a positive time, filled with happy thoughts of us kissing or going on dates.

but now, every thought of nancy felt like a black hole, sucking any bit of happiness out in an instant.

she was anything and everything i could think about. if i made any decision or said anything, i wondered how she'd feel about it. if i brushed my hand on a customer's hand accidentally when handing them their ice cream, it made me think of her. of all the times we brushed hands, feeling that electric spark.

i hadn't felt that same electric spark since. not with anyone.

i had tried flirting with vicky, a girl in band i had liked before, but it didn't work out. i didn't want to be attracted to her- i just wanted a rebound. someone to take my mind off nancy.

but no matter how much or how long i tried, i could never find anyone to replace her.

-

"you alright?" steve asked, nudging me in the arm in a playful way.

he had picked me up from my house an hour ago. we were sitting on his bed, apparently having a conversation that i had zoned out of long ago.

"hm?" i hummed, trying to act like i was listening. "yeah, i think you should tell her"

"tell what to who?" he asked, a puzzled look appearing on his face.

shit. i had been so busy caught up in my own thoughts that i tried to cover for myself and ended making it up even worse.

"i don't know," i finally sighed, deciding there were no excuses i could make up to cover up what had just happened. "i'm sorry. i zoned out"

"you haven't been anything like youself today," he commented, only making me sigh again. "what's going on?"

i stayed silent for a few moments, debating on whether i should tell him. "y'know the other night when nancy and i had agreed to meet up?"

"yeah....?" he asked, clearly confused once again.

"she never showed up and-"

"oh my god robin i'm so sorry," he said, his voice softening as he reached out to touch my arm supportively. i smacked his hand away, rolling my eyes.

"let me finish, dingus," i told him. he nodded. "the next day at school, yesterday, she found me in the bathroom and told me how she never meant to no-show me. she had been with barb and then fell asleep. so we agreed to meet last night"

"how'd that go?" he interrupted once again.

"i'm going to stop telling you if you keep interrupting me," i threatened, casuing him to throw his hands up in surrender.

"got it," he nodded, slowly dropping his hands back into his lap. 

"it went fine. we talked for a while, and we're friends again"

"you don't sound too happy," steve commented, noticing my dull tone.

"it's nothing, really. nancy and i are friends again, it's a good thing"

"but you'd like to be more than friends again," he commented, making my head snap up. my cheeks flushed a shade of pink, and i could feel my palms getting sweaty.

"w...what-? no," i laughed, but i knew it was obviously a lie. "no, no, no. w-why would you think that?"

fuck having back social abilities.

"robin," he said, saying my name the same way i said his when i came out to him. "i know you better than anyone"

"so-? that doesn't mean i have a crush on nancy," i defended, steve once again seeing right through me.

"rob, it's fine if you do. you don't have to lie to me, though"

i sighed, looking at him. i didn't want to admit it out loud, necessarily. i prefered burying it deep, deep down and never thinking about it.

"fine. yeah, i'm still in love with nancy," i admitted, saying it out loud for the first time in over a month. "but it means nothing. she loves barb now, remember? i'm gonna die as a single, hopeless romantic gay that's still in love with her ex from high school"

steve laughed, but i didn't find it funny. "you won't die single"

"yeah i will!" i exclaimed, wanting to pull my hair out.

"wanna know what i think?"

"not really," i challenged, a playful grin on my face.

"i think nancy is your soulmate. and i think you two will get back together eventually. but she's with barb. want my advice?"

"if it's as shitty as what you just told me, then no"

"when barb and nancy break up, you gotta swoop in. don't try to work the romance right away, but be a friend. talk with her, be there for her- be her shoulder to cry on"

"y'know, that's not too bad, harrington"

be her shoulder to cry on. now that....that i could do. maybe.