we could be | ronance

FIVE

"when you left, i bet you held her body closer"

-

I DIDN'T WANT to go to school that next day. i wanted to stay curled up in bed all day. i wanted to sob alone in my house while my mom was at work, wishing things were different.

but things weren't different. and i couldn't stay home. so, i dragged myself out of bed, getting ready for school. i hated it. i hated having to get up early on a friday and go endure seven hours of torture. and most of all, i hated having to see nancy in my second period, sitting close to me.

i'd especially hate it today- the day after she no-showed me.

-

nancy sat diagonal from me, but she was in front of me. i tried my best not to look at her the entire period, but after thirty minutes, i had already had enough of it. i raised my hand once again, asking to use the restroom.

as i walked down the hallway, it was silent. only the sound of my converse squeaking on the floor could be heard. i soaked in the silence as i walked in the bathroom, thankful that nobody else was in there. only me and my thoughts.

i was pissed at nancy. pissed she never showed up. pissed that she could lie to me like that; telling me that she'd be there and instead ghost me. i hated thinking of her, hated hating her. but she couldn't seem to leave my mind.

maybe i manifested something, because just as i was thinking of her, someone walked through the door. and that someone was nancy.

i knew instantly that she didn't come in here to use the bathroom. i knew she wanted to talk to me. why else would she come in here only five minutes after me?

"hey i-" she started, stepping further into the restroom and closing the door behind her.

i didn't want to talk to her, so instead i cut her off. "no thanks"

i got off the counter and began walking towards the door to leave. my fingertips brushed the handle before i felt something on my wrist. the contact made my spine shiver, bringing back memories from before. memories from when we were dating.

-

nancy and i walked through a field, giggling to each other. it was pitch dark out. we both snuck out to meet here. we had hopped a fence to get in here. it was the perfect spot where nobody could see us. where nobody could make any remarks or say any slurs. where nobody could find out.

where we could be us.

we ran through the field together, laughing at the lengths we'd go to for each other. when we reached a spot far back, close to the woods, we laid down, looking up at the stars.

"they're pretty, don't you think?" she said, voice as soft as a whisper.

"i think you're pretty," i told her, pulling my eyes away from the stars to turn and look at her face.

she looked over at me a second after i said that, smiling. "who knew robin buckley was such a flirt?"

i smiled at that comment, and she laughed.

we both looked back up at the sky, enjoying each other's company. that's one thing i loved about nancy- we didn't have to sit there talking or making out. we could sit there in silence and be perfectly content.

after a few minutes, she reached over and touched my wrist, trying to find my hand in the dark. it sent an electric spark through my body.

-

the feeling of the same electric spark in my memory snapped me out of my trance and back into reality. nancy's hand was still on my wrist, and she was looking me right in the eyes. her touch felt hot, almost as if she was burning a hole through my skin only with her touch.

she almost looked guilty, or upset. the longer i studied her eyes- not daring too break eye contact- i could tell she was. she was regretful, a look i had seen in her eyes the night we broke up.

"please let me talk. don't walk out like the night you..."

i knew what she was referencing, and i knew she was having trouble saying it.

the night we broke up.

"okay," i said softly, pulling my hand away from the door handle as she dropped my wrist back down at my side. a part of me craved for her to touch me again. she was addicting like a drug.

"i didn't mean to never show up. i was with barb and we were- um...yeah. and then we both fell asleep. i didn't mean to fall asleep..i really was going to go meet you. and then when i woke up it was after 2am. i promise you i didn't ghost you on promise"

i waited for nancy to be done, and it almost sounded like she had picked up on my rambling problems. she looked back up at me, meeting my eyes. her face was flushed pink, her eyes searching mine for a clear answer to if i believed her or not.

if i hadn't known nancy as well as i did, i would've called her out for telling me bullshit lies. but i knew nancy better than that. i knew her well enough to know that she wasn't lying. she was being genuine. she wouldn't do that to anyone. she'd either tell them no straight up about the offer, or say yes and show up.

"okay, i believe you," i told her. i watched her face light up, and by her reaction, i could tell she wasn't expecting me to believe her.

"can you meet tonight after work? same time?"

"sure," i agreed.

as much as seeing nancy pains me, i knew we needed to talk. yesterday when i had asked, i had regretted it the second i said it. but now, after thinking on it, i knew it had to be done. it had been avoided long enough.

"see you tonight then," i nodded, and she left the bathroom.

what the fuck have i gotten myself into?