we could be | ronance

THREE

"another lifetime's flashing by"

-

EVEN IF I had any feelings left for nancy, it would never happen. not because it couldn't, but because she's already moved on.

since we broke up a month ago, it's perfectly fine to move on. normally, anyways.

i hate that she moved on. i hate that she found someone new to love. i hate that she's happy without me, as petty and selfish as it may sound.

because i loved her. and while the breakup might've been my fault, i never wanted her to move on. i wanted her to love me forever, as toxic as it may sound.

because i always loved her. and i always will.

even though our breakup was a month ago, i'm still not over it. she was my first love. my first kiss. my first time. my first breakup. my first everything.

and it hurt like hell to see her happy with someone else. it hurt that she had moved on so quick.

it hurt that she got to be happy and i didn't.

i couldn't help the jealousy, though i wish i could. i wish i could just be happy for nancy. i am- it's just deep, deep down, and covered with pain and jealousy.

i remember the day we broke up like it had just happened yesterday. it haunted me- visiting me in my nightmares and invading my mind.

i remember the look on nancy's face. i remember her looking so torn up after my accusation. i remember her holding back tears as she tried to explain. i remember hearing her calling after me, her tone filled with begging and sadness. i remember hearing her let out a sob after she realized i wasn't coming back.

i remember how i felt, too. i remember my blood boiling with anger and betrayal. i remember feeling my heart shatter into a million pieces inside my chest. i remember fighting the urge to stay and feel my heart shatter more. i remember telling myself i had to go- telling myself she didn't love me. and i remember the sobs i let out after i realized i couldn't go back.

i couldn't run back into her arms. i couldn't kiss her soft lips again, feeling her hands go into my hair. i couldn't wrap my arms around her anymore. i couldn't hug her and tell her that everything was okay when she got upset.

i didn't have to wipe her lipstick off my lips to go back out in public again. i didn't have to fix my hair before walking out in front of the group. i didn't have to pull away from her quickly after there was a knock on her door.

and i hated it. i hated every second of it. it was like a knife, stabbing me in the back over and over. a knife with the words 'nancy doesn't love you anymore' engraved on the blade.

i wonder if she ever thinks of me. i wonder if she ever misses me. i wonder if whenever she holds barb's hand, she thinks of how my hand fits perfectly in hers. i wonder if whenever they kiss, she thinks of her lips on mine.

"robin" the teacher called, reminding me of how i was in school. sitting right across the room from nancy. "do you know the answer?"

"no, i really don't," i admitted.

"too busy daydreaming in my class to pay attention?"

"no, sir. i'm just a bit lost," i lied.

"excuse me, sir?" nancy spoke, her hand raised. "can i use the restroom?"

i barely heard her. i was too busy looking at her, replaying all of our memories together in my head. too busy to see her walk out of the classroom.

maybe this was my chance. i could talk to her. i could apologize. i'm sure that she didn't care. she didn't want to hear it. but i was getting tired of keeping it in.

after a few minutes, i decided to ask the restroom as well. i walked down the hall slowly, rehearsing what i wanted to say. 'hey nancy. can i say something?' no. that didn't sound right. 'hey, can we talk?'. that sounded better.

i walked into the restroom and looked up to see nancy. i looked over to her left and saw barb. they pulled away quickly, looking me in the face. i quickly went into the first stall i saw, and the two of them rushed out quickly.

when i was sure they were both gone, i let out the sob i had been holding in. i buried my face in my hands, regretting coming into this bathroom.

i was silly to think nancy actually cared about me still.

-

steve could tell i wasn't myself that day at work. i had worked on being more cheerful at work, but that unraveled like a ball of yawn when i saw them kissing. my aura was definitely gloomy. no matter how many jokes steve could make, i couldn't seem to crack a smile at any of them.

"okay, what's up with you today? you're quiet, and you aren't even laughing at my jokes!" he said, looking over at me concerned.

i ignored him, continuing to put movies on the shelves.

"robin?" he spoke again, trying to catch my attention.

"what?" i finally replied, spinning around to look him in the eyes. his face turned soft the second he could see i was holding back tears.

"did something happen with nancy again?" he asked, and even the mention of her name made me flinch. he noticed this and walked over to me, giving me a hug. i cried on his shoulder, not saying anything.

after a few minutes, i was able to pull myself together for the most part. "i walked in on her and barb kissing and it just-"

"hey, hey. i know it's hard, okay? but if nancy really was cheating, then she doesn't deserve your tears. give yourself time, robin. you don't have to be completely healed already. the first breakup is always hard"

"it's already been a month, steve"

"that doesn't matter"

"she's already over it," i sighed, wiping the few remaning tears from my eyes and cheeks.

"yeah well people take different amounts of time to heal. you'll get there eventually, don't push yourself. and eventually, you'll find the right person for you"

i nodded, turning my attention back to the movies. but i still couldn't help but think that nancy was the right person for me.